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Two Parts of a Whole

Author: iHaveNoName323
ASL Info:    23/M/NC
Elite Ratio:    5.6 - 37 /37 /26
Words: 122
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 915
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 792


sorry for taking so long to come back...but heres the latest poem and it could use the criticism because i dont think it as good as some of my others

Two Parts of a Whole

what does it matter,
to say the least,
i am broken on the inside,
everything is passing by,
and all i know is that,
my life is falling short,
my vision is blurred,
and i can no longer carry on,
this burden is too much,
i stumble and fall,
right into this,
open grave,
a sign that i,
must give my life,
to make everything all right,
im losing myself,
within the convictions of this broken heart,
and im failing to see,
that nothing matters to you,
your just stuck in a cycle,
of an endless doom,
and as you fall into the grave,
i wrap my arms around you...
and end your suffering,
in Hell we shall be made,
whole again

Submitted on 2006-02-06 11:43:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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I like your title, don't know why but it invokes so many images for me. However, when reading your poem, it didn't really match up. Firstly, I think you have too many commas, so that the poem becomes a bit of a labour for the eye and mouth. I love punctuation as much as the next person, maybe even more...But I think you could let up a bit, let some of your lines run into together, to add more flow to your poem. At the moment, it seems too static to me and I think the tone that you're trying to convey is more of a lyrical form.
For example:

what does it matter,
to say the least [that]
i am broken on the inside
[and] everything is passing by[.]
all i know is that
my life is falling short,
my vision is blurred[.]

Hope this helps. Thanks.

| Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]

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