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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Live Moredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zu
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 446/379/76
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 947
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 720



    Description:
       haven't written poetry in a long time. jus checked my earlier poems among the countless songs, and i liked them. i'm just trying to write like that gain....

    btw this was inspired by a friend.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLive Moredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Living becomes pain
    When you lose all the fun
    Sad droplets of rain
    Are all that’s left…

    God told me that
    The streets would be paved
    With gold and my heart
    Would be loved…

    Now I get the familiar feeling all the time
    Of disappointment
    The only thing
    I’ve so far felt…

    I live for him, and for her
    There’s just no point
    In my going on
    I just simply can’t…

    People say there’s
    More to die for than live
    But you made me see
    Something different…

    Do you know
    That’s why I love you?
    Because you make me
    Want to live more…




    Submitted on 2006-02-06 23:12:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hmmmm. much milder...much subtle...something which tells me the storm is over...all you have now is a new world to make..no choice maybe..but the poetic aspect...it is as simple as ever...thats good...though you would never agree with me but...dont always follow a votta soce..try a bit of exaggeration..salt and pepper ..you see..that helps to soothe or arouse feelings.cheers!
    noopur
    | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by anna kareinina | [ Reply to This ]
      That was really good, but at the beginning it seemed as if you had trouble starting off. But after you started, you seemed to keep going, and that really made the poem a lot better. I would try to get the beginning into, emotion, really, that's what i think is missing.
    I wouldn't say this is one of your best, but it was really good. I think you could do a lot better than this.

    Ok, now i'm done being so critical, and that was so sweet. Not something i usually read from you, but was very good. Well, think i'm done here. oh, yeah, could you look at a song me and my best friend wrote called Queen of the Dead. We were saying we were going to start a band since 6th grade, and are just now starting to do something. OK,thanks, bye.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure why going back to poetry is so hard after crancking out songs and lyrics, but I'm trying to find the peots pen again too.
    The only place I thought could improve was the third stanza. It seemed so out of control in comparison to the rest of the poem.

    Constantly, I get the familiar feeling
    Of disappointment
    The only thing
    I’ve felt so far…

    This still leaves the first line a bit wordy compared tot he reest but does cut it back a bit.
    jan
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      hey zu...touching piece of poetry...i am not going to look at the poetic aspect...but i'd like to comment on the meaning of the poem...

    i think that it ends with a really optimistic note...one that i havent seen in your poems in a long long time...i like the last line...want to live more...u know its like...the case with a lot of teens...depression...and then u feel like ending ur life...but then u dont realise what that means...or this person holds u back...its a very complex thing...i dont think i can talk about it now...but anyway...keep writing...and come bak u !
    Mihir
    | Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by mihir | [ Reply to This ]
      hey, zu long time. This is i think one of your more gentle poems.Less anger, less hate or sadness. It was truly enjoyable reading it. The start was kinda *just some something wrong* but thats probably coz you havent written in a long time, but as it progressed the poem became lyrical beauty. I think all of us need someone like that, someone who makes life better for us and makes us want to live more even during times that seem to take the very life out of you and i think everyone alive has somebody like that because otherwise we'd probably be dead by now *shrugs*. but anyway it was a very beautiful write, truly enjoyable
    | Posted on 2006-02-22 00:00:00 | by Gautam | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful last couple of lines. This started out a bit shakey, the flow was off, but it progressed very nicely. And the meaning behind it all is very hopeful, very sweet. I bet your friend is lucky to have you. great write
    -steph
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this, it was a nice write... it sort of depicts the way I currently feel and it also reminded me of some stuff I hadn't thought about in while. My only suggestion would be to be more careful with line break matters due to I felt some lines had pauses that were a bit annoying for instance these ones:

    "People say there’s
    More to die for than live"

    And some others.

    Good luck,

    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      The beginning was a bit iffy because of the last line in the first stanza. It threw the pattern of your piece off a bit but as it got to the middle I enjoyed most of it. I don't have a huge interest on 'love' poems you can say but yours was very pleasent and pure. ( I didn't want to use sweet.) I just have a question. In your second stanza, I'm not sure if your format was correct or not...

    God told me that
    The streets would be paved
    With gold and my heart
    Would be loved…

    I was a bit confused with the second line. Is with gold part of the second line and shouldn't it be written as a part? Or maybe there's a specific stlye I just don't know of. Other then that, it was a nice read. Take care.

    -Lado
    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very sweet poem. You have expressed your feelings well with this poem. It is wonderful when you can find a person who makes you feel this way. I think we all have times in our lives when we feel as though we cant go on, life is too hard, and it simply aint worth it. But then we meet someone who brightens our days and makes things seem so much different even when they really arent that different. When one person can make such a difference in your life, you know you have found someone special. You have conveyed that very well with your words here. Nicely written and expressed. A good write. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


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