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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Qahwadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1381
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 727



    Description:
       This is my attempt at a Valentine's poem... so if it sounds overly personal it's not just you :P. Otherwise... I'm just laying it out on the site so that I can get any feedback on how to fine-tune the whole thing, and hopefully spread some of the old feel-good factor.

    Something I'm trying to avoid is being too corny or lovey-dovey, so I'd appreciate any trace of that being reported to me so it can be ironed out.

    A few quick notes:
    1. Qahwa is the Arabic word for coffee, and I use it because from what I gather that was the first (still-spoken) language in which the drink was named.
    2. The recipient-to-be of this has the habit of drinking the froth from my cappucino, which should explain any ambiguity in the final stanza.

    Try reading the poem aloud, it was written to have a kind of lyrical quality to it. Enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsQahwadots
    -------------------------------------------


    There’s a kind of agreeably
    abrasive taste to fresh-brewed coffee.
    Just imagine what running your
    palm over gnarled bark should taste like,
    and you’re almost there.

    If ‘it’ were ‘she’, her eyes would be
    twin pools of fortified brown verve,
    forever brewed and served amid
    a croissant-countenance. She’d speak,
    and her zesty taste for living
    would hit you like a triple
    espresso, served alfresco.

    Given that, I often wonder
    why it’s only recently my
    days are so- a simmering sea
    of large cappuccinos to go.
    I look past my cup at your hand
    retreating with frothy spoon in tow;
    and I know.




    Submitted on 2006-02-07 10:44:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like that you keep this love poem something which could only truly be shared with your partner- you could never sell it to Hallmark because it's personal and particular to your relationship. Whenever I try to write a poem for my husband I always come up with something that could be about anyone, you know? Or just a list of memories, it ends up being boring. I hope she/he liked it...

    I always drink too much coffee (I'm being literal here) so my mouth always tastes of it. In an oblique way this made me feel better about that- sometimes I worry that my husband, not a coffee drinker at all, hates kissing me. Random reference, yes, but something I thought about straight away.

    It's not corny or cliché or 'roses are red lalalala', and it isn't overly soppy sappy 'I would like to die in your arms and I would already be in heaven' (I hate sap, it makes me squirm and feel rather queasy).

    Argh, ok, I'm babbling now. I mean to say that yes, I hate sap and this is not sap, it's good, I would be pleased to get it from a partner, or even a close close friend. So I guess you avoided the corn-trap well.

    (sorry for rambling, I do)

    Take care

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-11-08 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      What a sweet poem. I'm sure she will be delighted to be the recipient of such a observant, thoughtful poem. It definitely avoids being sicky sweet and put-on. It shows that you notice even the small things that does and that's always flattering.

    The rythm of the poem is great. The language (in my opinion) is flawless. The title is obscure, but being a title, that's perfectly acceptable. Overall this is a well-put-together poem that's even more fun to read aloud than in your head.
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by Onichan | [ Reply to This ]
      Original springs to mind, certainly nothing corny
    .
    I wrote the mrs a valentine this year and if I were to give her this or something like this, she wouldn't get it because she doesn't read poetry. Ofcourse if it's a standing private joke between the two of you then you'll have nothing to fear. For me valentine is more simplicity than obscure. not that I'm saying you need to bang out a 'roses are red...' sort of thing. In my case though a little bit of cheese will go a long way.

    After saying that and I wasn't slating it. It is quite clever and you managed to compare a woman with a caffine beverage with a certain flair. I enjoyed reading it and the final lines with the rhyme placed in them wrap the whole thing up quite nicely. Cheers.

    TTFN
    V
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      man, that yin yang animation is hypnotic, been staring at it for five minutes now. anyway.

    this one is a cleverly written piece, excellent use of imagery and alluding to "her" as coffee, and bark (im guessing most barks have the same color as coffee beans), almost could call this a nature piece. i dont think this is overly-saccharinic, in fact, the only thing it could have used more was digression into the coffee's biological effects (actual or imagined), but i digress on the digression, its just the right *blend*

    "espresso, served al fresco"-very clever.

    maktub and peace.

    -pietro
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]


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