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Pire


Author: ellisa
Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400 /415 /125
Words: 105
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1312
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 788



Description:


this little poem was an experiment with form. the idea is that the whole thing can be read as a poem, and that the words on both sides can be read separately as slightly different poems, offering different impressions...hopefully

let me know what you think, if you think it works etc.

many thanks
ellisa


Pire




    our       beams spread,
  reaching      out;
  for bones.     lighting
      our       pathways,
    Giant's       Causeway
    footprint       severed
    flooded       by dragging nets
  path ended       at crossroads past
    catching       the toes of the devil
  at the first       circles of hell, some folks
      hitch       a ride worth taking.














Submitted on 2006-02-07 16:42:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  *blinks* Elisa . . . My word. Every time I go away for a bit, I come back and you do something amazing. This is SO innovative and clever, and it works so wonderfully it's almost creepy. Left me with a very strange feeling at the pit of my stomach. I'm so, so impressed.
| Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey!
First of all, I would like to take the opportunity to thank you for that comment that you gave me regarding my piece entitled Understand the Dream is Over. I greatly appreciate it.

As for this particular piece of yours...
To be honest, at first... in reading your description of the piece, I thought that it wasn't going to turn out well. I thought that it was turn out choppy and would have difficulty conveying as sort of message.

Well...
Apparently my first impression was quite wrong...
I found this piece of yours (or pieces) to be rather good. I will have to agree with the other two people who have commented, Janelle and Frank, too. The far left piece works very well on its own.
However, I will have to say...
I also like the right side... on its own, as well.

This work is good, in my opinion.
*smiles*

Take care.

Crystal
| Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by purely_complex | [ Reply to This ]
  I think the combined poem is superior to the two embedded within it - especially the endings. Of teh two mini-poems, I got the most out of the leftmost one.

Here's a possible way to present it:
Combine the two parts of line 1 and of the last line to be shared by the two mini-poems. In that way, it would consist of the two having identical starts and ends (and, of course, the two could still be combined as one).

I love the idea - I can see how it could be quite a challenge. Especially if one tried to take rhyme &/or rhythm into account too.

-Frank
| Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
  First of all, this is great idea to have the two sides, blended and seperate.

Now, as a whole, "reaching out; for bones." doesn't fit as well as the rest of the poem. It's still interesting so it's okay how it is.

The left half is very good, by itself.

The right half is pretty good. The last two lines don't seem to go as well but if you imagine a "-" after folks, it goes.

Good job.
| Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by Janelle | [ Reply to This ]


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