Description: this little poem was an experiment with form. the idea is that the whole thing can be read as a poem, and that the words on both sides can be read separately as slightly different poems, offering different impressions...hopefully
let me know what you think, if you think it works etc.
many thanks
ellisa
Pire -------------------------------------------
our beams spread,
reaching out;
for bones. lighting
our pathways,
Giant's Causeway
footprint severed
flooded by dragging nets
path ended at crossroads past
catching the toes of the devil
at the first circles of hell, some folks
hitch a ride worth taking.
*blinks* Elisa . . . My word. Every time I go away for a bit, I come back and you do something amazing. This is SO innovative and clever, and it works so wonderfully it's almost creepy. Left me with a very strange feeling at the pit of my stomach. I'm so, so impressed.
Hey! First of all, I would like to take the opportunity to thank you for that comment that you gave me regarding my piece entitled Understand the Dream is Over. I greatly appreciate it.
As for this particular piece of yours... To be honest, at first... in reading your description of the piece, I thought that it wasn't going to turn out well. I thought that it was turn out choppy and would have difficulty conveying as sort of message.
Well... Apparently my first impression was quite wrong... I found this piece of yours (or pieces) to be rather good. I will have to agree with the other two people who have commented, Janelle and Frank, too. The far left piece works very well on its own. However, I will have to say... I also like the right side... on its own, as well.
I think the combined poem is superior to the two embedded within it - especially the endings. Of teh two mini-poems, I got the most out of the leftmost one.
Here's a possible way to present it: Combine the two parts of line 1 and of the last line to be shared by the two mini-poems. In that way, it would consist of the two having identical starts and ends (and, of course, the two could still be combined as one).
I love the idea - I can see how it could be quite a challenge. Especially if one tried to take rhyme &/or rhythm into account too.
Submission Name: Pire
