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My Wound Still Bleeds

Author: prettybaby
Elite Ratio:    6.59 - 191 /194 /59
Words: 154
Class/Type: Poetry /The pain inside
Total Views: 971
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 1033


My Wound Still Bleeds

No feeling lies beneath my skin
it was a burden in the past
Numbness soothes the throbbing
that I thought would always last

You remain only a memory
haunting corners of my mind
Love fell silent in my heart
I left your lies behind

Deep inside the darkness
I know the pain still sleeps
Tucked beneath my tongue
is one secret I can't keep

Late at night you break the lock
on all my unquenched fears
I wake to find I'm still alone
and breathing through my tears

Too long have I suffered
the time is wearing thin
My strength threatens to shatter
if I ever feel again

I thought I'd overcome this
but I cannot secrete
the truth you buried in me
though I won't admit defeat

Hidden somewhere indistinct
in a place no eye can see
is a poorly bandaged orifice
where my wound still bleeds

Submitted on 2006-02-07 21:35:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Another beautiful piece, which I can only give you props for. I love the way Bill had put it, because he was completely right in his entire post, 'The ghost of someone long gone and ever present'. I could completely relate to your poem, and I had connected from the very beginning. However, going on, I agreed with Bill a second time about the fifth stanza. The third line with:

My strength threatens to shatter

It seems that the two words 'threatens' and 'shatter' being forced together like that add a little bit too much. If it were my own piece I would change it to something that could be read with a steadier rhythm:

Too long have I suffered
the time is wearing thin.
<Strength(s) will only shatter>
if I ever feel again.

However, that does simplify it a little more - and I know that's not always agood quality for a poem. So... Hmm, now I'm not even sure myself...Anyway I'll leave it up here just for you to take a look at - it is the only two cents of mine I can offer.

Other than that though, it was another amazing piece. I have read alot of your other works, and I love your style - there is never anything I don't like. You're incredibly talented and I hope to see much more of you :).
| Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
  A sad heart haunted by the ghost of someone long gone and ever present (leaving a trail of lyrical beauty in his wake, something so common to the gut wrenching end of a relationship). Your rhythm was thrown off a bit by the awkward lineation of the fifth stanza; other than that, you've more than made your point concerning heels that wound. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

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