My Wound Still Bleeds
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Description:
My Wound Still Bleeds
No feeling lies beneath my skin it was a burden in the past Numbness soothes the throbbing that I thought would always last You remain only a memory haunting corners of my mind Love fell silent in my heart I left your lies behind Deep inside the darkness I know the pain still sleeps Tucked beneath my tongue is one secret I can't keep Late at night you break the lock on all my unquenched fears I wake to find I'm still alone and breathing through my tears Too long have I suffered the time is wearing thin My strength threatens to shatter if I ever feel again I thought I'd overcome this but I cannot secrete the truth you buried in me though I won't admit defeat Hidden somewhere indistinct in a place no eye can see is a poorly bandaged orifice where my wound still bleeds |
Submitted on 2006-02-07 21:35:36 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| Another beautiful piece, which I can only give you props for. I love the way Bill had put it, because he was completely right in his entire post, 'The ghost of someone long gone and ever present'. I could completely relate to your poem, and I had connected from the very beginning. However, going on, I agreed with Bill a second time about the fifth stanza. The third line with: My strength threatens to shatter It seems that the two words 'threatens' and 'shatter' being forced together like that add a little bit too much. If it were my own piece I would change it to something that could be read with a steadier rhythm: Too long have I suffered the time is wearing thin. <Strength(s) will only shatter> if I ever feel again. However, that does simplify it a little more - and I know that's not always agood quality for a poem. So... Hmm, now I'm not even sure myself...Anyway I'll leave it up here just for you to take a look at - it is the only two cents of mine I can offer. Other than that though, it was another amazing piece. I have read alot of your other works, and I love your style - there is never anything I don't like. You're incredibly talented and I hope to see much more of you :). | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ] | A sad heart haunted by the ghost of someone long gone and ever present (leaving a trail of lyrical beauty in his wake, something so common to the gut wrenching end of a relationship). Your rhythm was thrown off a bit by the awkward lineation of the fifth stanza; other than that, you've more than made your point concerning heels that wound. Nicely done. Take care. Bill. | | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ] | |
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