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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Wound Still Bleedsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: prettybaby
    Elite Ratio:    6.59 - 191/194/59
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/The pain inside
    Total Views: 851
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1033



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Wound Still Bleedsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    No feeling lies beneath my skin
    it was a burden in the past
    Numbness soothes the throbbing
    that I thought would always last

    You remain only a memory
    haunting corners of my mind
    Love fell silent in my heart
    I left your lies behind

    Deep inside the darkness
    I know the pain still sleeps
    Tucked beneath my tongue
    is one secret I can't keep

    Late at night you break the lock
    on all my unquenched fears
    I wake to find I'm still alone
    and breathing through my tears

    Too long have I suffered
    the time is wearing thin
    My strength threatens to shatter
    if I ever feel again

    I thought I'd overcome this
    but I cannot secrete
    the truth you buried in me
    though I won't admit defeat

    Hidden somewhere indistinct
    in a place no eye can see
    is a poorly bandaged orifice
    where my wound still bleeds




    Submitted on 2006-02-07 21:35:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Another beautiful piece, which I can only give you props for. I love the way Bill had put it, because he was completely right in his entire post, 'The ghost of someone long gone and ever present'. I could completely relate to your poem, and I had connected from the very beginning. However, going on, I agreed with Bill a second time about the fifth stanza. The third line with:

    My strength threatens to shatter

    It seems that the two words 'threatens' and 'shatter' being forced together like that add a little bit too much. If it were my own piece I would change it to something that could be read with a steadier rhythm:

    Too long have I suffered
    the time is wearing thin.
    <Strength(s) will only shatter>
    if I ever feel again.

    However, that does simplify it a little more - and I know that's not always agood quality for a poem. So... Hmm, now I'm not even sure myself...Anyway I'll leave it up here just for you to take a look at - it is the only two cents of mine I can offer.

    Other than that though, it was another amazing piece. I have read alot of your other works, and I love your style - there is never anything I don't like. You're incredibly talented and I hope to see much more of you :).
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      A sad heart haunted by the ghost of someone long gone and ever present (leaving a trail of lyrical beauty in his wake, something so common to the gut wrenching end of a relationship). Your rhythm was thrown off a bit by the awkward lineation of the fifth stanza; other than that, you've more than made your point concerning heels that wound. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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