[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: My Wound Still Bleedsdots

    Author: prettybaby
    Elite Ratio:    6.59 - 191/194/59
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/The pain inside
    Total Views: 851
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1033


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Wound Still Bleedsdots

    No feeling lies beneath my skin
    it was a burden in the past
    Numbness soothes the throbbing
    that I thought would always last

    You remain only a memory
    haunting corners of my mind
    Love fell silent in my heart
    I left your lies behind

    Deep inside the darkness
    I know the pain still sleeps
    Tucked beneath my tongue
    is one secret I can't keep

    Late at night you break the lock
    on all my unquenched fears
    I wake to find I'm still alone
    and breathing through my tears

    Too long have I suffered
    the time is wearing thin
    My strength threatens to shatter
    if I ever feel again

    I thought I'd overcome this
    but I cannot secrete
    the truth you buried in me
    though I won't admit defeat

    Hidden somewhere indistinct
    in a place no eye can see
    is a poorly bandaged orifice
    where my wound still bleeds

    Submitted on 2006-02-07 21:35:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Another beautiful piece, which I can only give you props for. I love the way Bill had put it, because he was completely right in his entire post, 'The ghost of someone long gone and ever present'. I could completely relate to your poem, and I had connected from the very beginning. However, going on, I agreed with Bill a second time about the fifth stanza. The third line with:

    My strength threatens to shatter

    It seems that the two words 'threatens' and 'shatter' being forced together like that add a little bit too much. If it were my own piece I would change it to something that could be read with a steadier rhythm:

    Too long have I suffered
    the time is wearing thin.
    <Strength(s) will only shatter>
    if I ever feel again.

    However, that does simplify it a little more - and I know that's not always agood quality for a poem. So... Hmm, now I'm not even sure myself...Anyway I'll leave it up here just for you to take a look at - it is the only two cents of mine I can offer.

    Other than that though, it was another amazing piece. I have read alot of your other works, and I love your style - there is never anything I don't like. You're incredibly talented and I hope to see much more of you :).
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      A sad heart haunted by the ghost of someone long gone and ever present (leaving a trail of lyrical beauty in his wake, something so common to the gut wrenching end of a relationship). Your rhythm was thrown off a bit by the awkward lineation of the fifth stanza; other than that, you've more than made your point concerning heels that wound. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]