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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ruminationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: milo stills
    Elite Ratio:    3.37 - 345/476/138
    Words: 396
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1223
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2286



    Description:
       a lot better i thnk then teh last draft.. but still room to improve.. any help would be great

    lay in to me if you like... i just wasnt this to be as good as possible


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots Ruminationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Rumination (or introduce your self right on)
    By Derrick Salas

    Itís hard for me to talk about myself
    To think about anything between lines
    I hide in the silence of the out spoken
    Paste periods over my clothes
    Commas in place of expression
    Everything is blank here
    Nothing like a canvas
    More like my bathroom floor

    I can pick the stains out with my bare feet
    There is an impression of a generation here
    A crest or slope in the floor
    I am here now
    Hallow from what I hear
    Naked pressed against the window
    Trying to appreciate an echo, evolving

    I can understand the movement of water through pipes
    Or toothpaste and toilet paper
    I am lost in the will to be clean
    Lost in the words of others
    And the grammar of life

    I spend my time soaking in the tub
    Or staring into a blank page
    Watching my words
    Drift across windows and mirrors
    Sweating out anything thatís left
    Itís just more water
    And I can understand that

    I see myself in other people
    In graffiti on bathroom walls
    In the sex starved and lonely
    I canít seem to get away from my self

    There are people like me everywhere
    Waiting
    Hiding in the seams of skirts
    Or the reflection of a record
    Another window

    I can remember women that where different from me

    Women with tails tacked on to pinstripes
    And animal ears underneath pastel hair
    It is not easy for them
    It is no simple task to wait

    They are more like me then I can say
    Even here, I hide behind punctuation
    And leave room for more

    This is why you donít want to know
    This is why your not here
    And Iím alone in the bathroom
    Watching this mirror
    I can feel myself melting
    Water mixing with salt
    I swirl the soup that rises around me
    Bits of my self float to the top
    A memory of childhood
    Mixed in with all the sweat and dirt

    It helps that I can remember




    Submitted on 2006-02-08 15:01:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "I see myself in other people
    In graffiti on bathroom walls
    In the sex starved and lonely
    I canít seem to get away from my self"

    you can elaborate pages of this. And that's why i think this edit was worth it. But your right, it can further improve.

    I guess this is about self. as your previous commentors have noted. I personally think it's easy for you. To write this. At least i hope. You make all of us here feel a little better.
    youre everything you are. your thoughts, your women, your uncertainty. maybe you feel guilty. I hope anlyasing makes you feel better. i prefer not thinking. not f.ucking my head up. I'm glad it's the new year. I liked this.
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by denial | [ Reply to This ]
      Gosh, I absolutely got caught up in this and all the many facets of "self" that were brought out here in such an obscure way.
    I'm not sure I understood the write in full, but the parts I did get, shook me.

    The title fits it wonderfully. And, except for the lack of any punctuation (which I'm not that great at anyway - and I did catch that part in this write) .. and the misspelling of "were" in line 37.. I can't really see any improvement needed.

    Now, I shall go read it again to see what more I can get from it.
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very Sapphic, in the sense of talking about yourself so blatantly. Cool.

    I really liked this image:

    "Women with tails tacked on to pinstripes
    And animal ears underneath pastel hair
    It is not easy for them
    It is no simple task to wait "

    Very visual and striking,

    Thanks for sharing!

    Todd
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      yes, Derrick this is definitely more. you have revealed your real talent here. this is excellent. and I love the title too. this one could be published. I'm making it a favorite too. this is poetry! nice job.
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]


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