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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Personal Columbinedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 359
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Dark
    Total Views: 1142
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2632



    Description:
        Ponder over my sanity, worry about whatever I'm going to do, the Hell with it. i'm not quite sure about this one myself. It's either an expression of how I really feel, or it's based on the actual Columbine High School Massaccre. I don't know. Enjoy....

    Oh, and tell me if these would make good lyrics...help me make it better but not take away from it while doing so. This is personal to me....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Personal Columbinedots
    -------------------------------------------


    No time to discriminate...
    When you're...
    Completely filled with hate
    No time to discriminate...
    When you've...
    Come for me too late...

    Wandering Hell like a recluse
    Withstanding this God damn abuse
    Tried but it's no use
    There's no point to this anymore
    I'm nothing but a Nobody
    Wanna be somebody
    Tried to make you see
    I should've quit while ahead...

    But it's too late now cuz I'm DEAD!

    Went on my own killing rampage
    Hatred and pain once a cage
    Now everyone shall understand my rage
    And when it's all over with
    When it's all over with...
    They'll know just who we are

    This my last tribute to all who never gave a damn
    To those who insulted the way I am
    Tried to make it all bliss and glam...
    (you're decadence held me back)
    Venom and dispise bubbling inside
    Feasting on our blood which they dine
    Fighting the war of my mental Columbine
    I should've quit while ahead...

    It's too late for that cuz I'm DEAD!!!

    Went on my own killing rampage
    Hatred and pain once a cage
    Now everyone shall understand my rage
    And when it's all over with
    When it's all over with...
    They'll know just who we are

    <bridge>
    These children died the other day
    Martyr's suffering their own faith
    Morbid lies from what they say
    And they'll say it was a waste

    These children died the other day
    Martyr's suffering their own faith
    Morbid lies from what they say
    And they say it was just a waste

    The hour of silence that followed
    Darkness in which we were swallowed
    Souls in which we're shallowed
    (I guess it wasn't a great idea)
    Wanting them to say, "I remember her"
    Beginning my own massacre
    My life ending in a sickening blur
    I didn't stop while a head


    No time to discriminate...
    When you're...
    Completely filled with hate
    No time to discriminate...
    When you've...
    Come for me too late...
    No time to discriminate...
    When you're...
    Completely filled with hate
    No time to discriminate...
    When you've...
    Come for me too late...









    Submitted on 2006-02-08 16:49:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      HA! i loved it. it does speak of quite a struggle... the funniest part of it is... i have been to columbine highschool... i remember the day it happened... they locked down all the schools that were close to it... my school is not too far from it... but i would have done things quite differently... lol but enough about that... i loved your lyrics... it was great... lol there is really nothing for me to say about that... it was wonderful.. enjoy
    | Posted on 2006-05-31 00:00:00 | by Esophagus1 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is frickin' awesome! i'm sorry it took me so long to get here and comment but i'm very glad now that i did!

    there was a nice beat to these as they're read out loud except for the
    "It's too late for that cuz I'm DEAD!"
    maybe it's just because i can't hear the music to go along with these lyrics but that sentence really didn't seem to fit in to me.
    and don't worry, i won't question your sanity, having these same thoughts myself from time to time ... but seriously, awesome write and i'm going to add it to my favorites. keep them coming and if there's anything else you'd like me to comment on, you know where i am.

    -jess
    | Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
      wow those would make really good lyrics. It's really morbid but that's what u were shooting for (no pun intended). I've seen the movie Elephant it's about the shootings and this poem really captured the hate of what th twoboys were going through. I feel alot of this hit home for you and I knwo how you feel but just shake it off and keep going u know who u really are they dont' keep it up and I'll keep coming bck

    =Logan=
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by in_my_suffering | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there,

    Well, I must say that I was really into this due to this - the Columbine Massacre - has always been an interesting subject for me. I remember that by the time it occurred I read a lot on the matter. But let’s get down to business, shall we?

    This was quite deep a write …. It‘s certainly moving at times.

    The whole poem gives the impression that your character were having a rough time at school

    “Withstanding this God damn abuse”

    and at the same time harbour some venomous feeling which may remotely involve imitating Eric and Dylan’s example, so to speak. Likewise, I felt as if this character were very keen on being seen, to be paid attention to or to be popular, I got that one from:

    “to all who never gave a damn”

    Before I forget, and I was very excited when I saw this, I had the impression that there were some seemingly vague religious undertones as for “When you've...
    Come for me too late...” I’m fully cognizant of the fact that I’m probably rambling.


    Additionally, there some faint implications that may purportedly reveal how this person wants to commit suicide.

    For me the core of this or what I got after going through it a couple of times, which might not be too hard to find, is a person that feels ostracized and ignored by their peers and who craves for being acknowledged – somehow - or perhaps to be in the limelight. I can certainly relate to the feeling for throughout my life I’ve felt as if I’d been taken for granted and disregarded in many ways thus it’s not unfamiliar a sensation for me. However, I believe that currently I’m not really concerned about those issues I’m passed that now. And I’m not saying that coz I have a rock where a heart should be - is just that every so often one has to stop worrying about what people think or say about you …to strive to be liked by everybody ... is just nonsensical

    Something that struck me was that at times I felt as if you had wanted to convey that this person was somehow involved or took place in the incident … This may be just too much …. But did you ????

    As for Critiques, the rhyme scheme seems to work though there were times at which I felt as though you had strove too hard so as to make some lines rhyme. These ones for instance,

    ”Went on my own killing rampage
    Hatred and pain once a cage”

    Be careful on that account.

    Then on the same stanza/verse I think you should get rid of “Now” in this line:
    “Now everyone shall understand my rage”

    And wave aside “just” regarding this line:

    “They'll know just who we are”. Both deletions would partially help the lines flow better and besides they’re just blah words as far as I’m concerned. The same thing could be applied to the whole piece. However, I happen to believe that this is not a serious problem of this piece. (meaning the length of each line)

    With regards to stanza 4 I reckon you ought to cut the first line into two … and I feel there’s a missing come right after the word “This”. It seems as if there’s a pause there that requires to be visually stressed. Moreover, the following lines also need some tweaking, for example,

    “You’re decadence held me back”
    I believe you should have something like
    “Your decadence held me back” which makes more sense. Likewise, I caught a typo in the following ….

    “Venom and despise bubbling inside”

    Since “despise” is not a noun you will have to find a more suitable word.

    A further thing would be to consider erasing some “All’s” especially as to stanza 3 and 4, they are a bit annoying and do not seems to be pivotal to the idea you’re trying to get across. I apologize if up to this point my observations seem to be irksome … be aware that are merely suggestions that you can be neglected easily.

    I did like the repetition of

    “It's too late for that cuz I'm DEAD!”

    It was very powerful and effective. It worked very well.

    Before I finish this off, I’d like to point that the line

    “The hour of silence that followed” may have more impact, in my view, if you made “hour” a plural form.

    Now, if you thought I’ve been bold so far … I guess this tops it off.

    Well …. The ending ….. I must admit it doesn’t appeal to me… it’s not bad, though I realized that it would’ve been more telling had you finished the piece by saying :

    “It's too late for that cuz I'm DEAD!”

    immediately after

    “I didn't stop while a head”

    needless to say, this would mean leaving aside the last part of this write, that’s your call though.

    Finally, I wonder if you have ever played this song …. I ended daydreaming about listening it alive …. I must be crazy, don’t’ you think?. It’d make a truly beautiful song kinda like “Radiohead” style ….



    Well, I hope you don’t get mad at me If I said something too daring or if I sounded rude or arrogant … that’ was not my intention.

    Kind regards,

    Good luck,

    Ethan.

    Ps: Try add some punctuation so your readers know where the emphasis was placed.

    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      this is beautiful and I think it should be a song but what music is dark enough for it coz if the music was not right it would kill it completely I think that this relates to the columbine massacre but i think that it is also a massacre of you mind from deep inside your subconcious
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Animus Custodis | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I do agree that it much to long for a song but, Depending on the beat and type of music you could probably make it work. You might want to cut some double stanzas out. You seem to have two corus lines in this one and one should work. In most songs the lyrics has to be to the point and this one would take the listener away from the topic of the song. Its not boring but it would not keep the listenerss ear for long. Like I said before, it depends on what music you put to it and how to make it flow.
    As a poem it has a nice flow and it gives a detailed look into the writers head.
    The write is really dark but I have seen darker.
    This would be more fitting for a younger crowd because most adults my age would not have seen this in our youth. I am sure it was around but it wasn't out in the open then.
    Now as far as the topic and what it duggest about the youth today and the feeling of being lost and misunderstood. Most of this can be caused by pressure from kids at school but that is because they were taught form a young age to think and act that way. Diversity in school does not exist, Hell it doesn't exist in the adult world either.
    I am not oneto comment on lyrics but this one does have a nice bt dark ring to it.
    I suggest that you use an upbeat tempo to make the words flow as to not hear the hard breaks in the song. Most of the youth that listen to this will be looking for an upbeat.

    I like it but it is an eye opener and most people close their eyes to reality of this. Just make sure that you are sure of the message you want to convey.

    Nicely done

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      I assume by your request asking me to come and comment on this writing, you're implying payment to me by reading my work!
    In the corporate world, paybacks will work for a while, but eventually even they will cease if the product is not sales worthy.
    In writing, the author must attract readers with style, intrigue or facts of interest. A personal connection must be made to draw ones attention in his/her way.
    I may be an unknown to you, BUT I have opened your work before. It has been a long time since I first read you, but not that long since checking a page!
    Before reading the above writing, I first went back over several others to look for a message, a glimpse or a snapshot lets say of you. By looking over those I sense a young girl with many issues in life. Copntempt for society, disreguard of the family, and an overall disbelief in God were just a few view points I read in your work.
    NOW; Writing, lets compare it to Automobiles!
    A fast car attacts youth, and those wishing for thrills.
    A bright shiny little sports car from Italy attracts the very rich.
    A minivan will attract the family, and the most
    average in society.
    SO; Your work will attract only a small percentage of the world. I base that on the fact your views are not well accepted by everyone.
    This ALSO applies to ME, my work will attract only those of like mindedness.
    You may not know this, BUT I am musically inclined. I once was in a small band. I still mess with my guitar frequently. YES even I have written a few songs!
    Here are a collection of words, a message, a cry to the world.
    Will anyone stop to listen, probably!
    But the message will speak louder with music, the tempo and the tune must catch ones heart, then it's a song. Until then these are mere words.
    But allow me to caution you. My advice is do not try to attract an audience with promises to pay them with comments. That will not work here, comments are recieved through hard work and reading others. And after reading them, a vibrant and wholesome thought needs laid before the writer. A following will seek you out after you have sought them!
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't picture this as a song...it's too involved. Most songs have to have some catch-phrase that is highlighted and repeated several times so that it stands out and makes an impression on the listener's mind, and I'm not feeling that with this.

    But as a poem, it is good. There are a few lines that feel forced or awkward, particularly the "Venom and dispise" (despise) and especially the "Feasting on our blood" line (suddenly this turns from anger and revenge to some gothic cult ritual?)

    The subject, as a whole, saddens me though. My personal reaction to the whole thing is that it is a sad, sad world when violence of any kind becomes the answer to resolving problems in anyone's mind.
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      This had a killer flow but dude, I loved this...we are so much alike and I can easily relate to this...and yes rage and anger ruled this one...I think they'd make awesome lyrics as long as it was to the right music...I'd actually pay to hear it
    good write.
    -silent
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Anger. That's what stands out the most. Feeling of being lost, not heard, overlooked. It sounds like you are about to go postal on someone(s). It was a poem that kept me fixed to the screen till it's end. I felt chills up and down my spine. This gad a rock feel to it, like Evenesscance or something. It was good enought to be a song, just to long. I would not change a thing about it. I am sorry you are going through all this, and can relate to you. You did the best thing by writing it out, instead of letting it fester and spew over into actions. Very well written.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      this is very chilling.. it is quite a rant and very
    disturbing and tragic in its presentation. i do think
    it is quite long for a song.. the darkness and
    hatred is powerful here, and i can only hope that
    this is more fiction than fact.. there is so much
    violence and hatred already in this world, and it
    saddens me when young people are victimized by
    it and feel that living is hopeless and lose all
    respect for life.

    i wish you peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      You seem to have written a lyric rant to chastise those who don't respect personal differences and prefernces (I'll assume among the youthful pecking order in schools that cements itself to our value system as we age). For a song, this is very lengthy; as a poem, it more than makes its point with whirlpools of blistering rage. Hope the comments helped a littel. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I got a real caring attitude from you whilst reading this. Being as young as you are, I found this really refreshing. that you would choose to write about such a thing in the way that you did. It was very compelling. well done for tackling this in the way that you did.

    This was very insightful and very good.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with storm it is too long all songs have to fit into no more then like three minutes an some sec but not over the three,but other then that I thought it its not bad for heavy metal stuff if thats what you care to call it,I don't know much about the heavy metal stuff its not my thing in music,but is my step-sons anyway keep up the write
    adnil
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      this was way cool. really representative of the internal conflict kids go through in high school. you seem to be the type to write epic poems.
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by Johnny 5 | [ Reply to This ]
      thanx for the comment on love i am glad you liked
    your post went deep into a touchy subject i think we all have that trigger that goes off when we are pushed by abuse or of being left out

    i know i have mine i've carried it for 40 years i only started writing a couple years back and my dark thoughts and places seem to shine when i write

    your post was great and thanx for suggesting
    take care and all the best

    thanx sandman
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      ...WOW... this is great, one of a kind. and honestly one of the best pieces i've ever seen from you. i used to be the lead singer in a band called ZED up here and i was actually singing this after i read through t trying to give it a beat to fit into it. then i smacked in the head b/c i'm in the library. lmao anyway i found areas that, if i was singing it, i could stress the words and hold them out, also i found at the bridge that it could slow down into almost a whisper to ease and then biuld tension to be releases at the ending. idk i just do this to help get a better feeling of songs. but this def. could be a great song. well c-ya

    brandon
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
      [censored] aye! I got one thing to say: Rage by Stephen King. if you ahvemn't read it...do so. I used to think about pulling a columbine, and I don't even go to public school. Anywas, onto the song. THis is really really good, the only problem I see is that it is a bit lengthy, cuz you get the vibe of a villent pounk song, and it's too long for that. Still, excellent.

    Storm
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow this was really amazing. I'm ubsessed with Columbine since I saw this movie so this cault my eye. This is amazing, I love the whole flow and the story behind it. You did a great job the only thing that I would have changed would be "Darkness in which we were swallowed
    Souls in which we're shallowed" I wouldn't say swallowed at the end onf both lines though at the moment I don't have any sugestions of what you could put. Sorry. Anyway, Awsome I personaly loved it! Great write.

    Sarah

    P.S. I really hope you're not planing to "reenact" Columbine If your thinking about it DON'T!
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by S.A.M. | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the ryrhming its cool...it flows.. the ryhmings good!

    ~audrey
    i dont like that the "web master " counts how many letters we put up here its not faiirrr!
    adios
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by nightxassassin | [ Reply to This ]
      after reading this i think my poem on The Columbine Shooting was very unreal!lol! i absolutly loved this song and it really brings out emotion.

    fore<3r Love,
    xxamber
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Suicidalchild51 | [ Reply to This ]
      " But it's too late now cuz I'm DEAD! "

    way to go sis make ithem all feel like it's all there fault
    | Posted on 2006-06-13 00:00:00 | by supergirl_in_oh | [ Reply to This ]


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