mOvE oN by screams

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Submission Name: mOvE oN dots

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Author:	screams
Elite Ratio:	5.96 - 433/386/92
Words:	209

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	328
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1308

Description:

mOvE oN

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Ghost

breathes behind my neck
memories don’t fade , they get brighter with time
I can feel the press of your flesh in my back, your outline
cradled in my curves, deep in my dreams
you irritate my rest

whether you are flesh
or the midst of memory

it took along time for platforms to rise from our calloused heals so we women could walk alone.

our knuckles bleed because those brick walls cannot be defeated and in the meantime we left you hangin there, half finished, only partly erected...

this is the world of only half dreams

the other half are submerged in tubs, all the world's half-finished poems
all the world’s forgotten babies

we women trudged on... we had to abandon the ones that were too weak to scream.. usually it was just some whispered longings... quiet, frivolous, and pointless in the face of the will to survive. we burned fairy tales along with our pigtales. We ate our father’s lies. whether you are flesh or some midst of memory....

You irritate my rest

and I must move on.

Submitted on 2006-02-08 19:03:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Irritation is a cattle prod, an itch in the throat which needs to be "screamed" out. Ello! It's nice to be reading you again, I thoroughly enjoyed every last ounce of this poem without a single suggestion, except....I was lost with "tubs"? Submerged like a photo being developed, like a drowning dolphin or a pink water slit wrist suicide? Why a tub? The cadence of the first stanza stabbed me straight through, and I died with enjoyment throughout the rest. Now on to see what else has been going on in your mind. -mr.
| Posted on 2006-10-31 00:00:00 | by mr. | [ Reply to This ]
  What I like about this piece is how easily you connect the extremes... the elephant and rat issues regarding your gender. It was very... um... Neil Gaiman-ish (Sorry... can't think of anything accurate.)

I also like the total abandonment and the fact that it still flows easily throughout most of the piece.

The words written in italics also give a princess-gone-bad feel. Like you're walking across the desert on an evening gown. It also gives a perfect contrast to the nearly subdued tone of those in regular font.

Ultimately, what is attractive about this piece is that despite the fact that you appear to be speaking from the heart... there is still a great sense of control.

Kudos.

Sorry if I seem to be in a hurry. Things are a bit hectic around here but I need to say something about this.

| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  our knuckles bleed because those brick walls cannot be defeated and in the meantime we left you hangin there, half finished, only partly erected..

For some reason this piece really resonated with me and I was feeling "wow, this is really good" as I was reading and feeling that half-formed idea that something momentous was in the works. As with many poems I am not sure exactly what I came away with from it, but I feel touched and moved and maybe it's the imagery of the part I quoted up top, which seemed the best part (the metaphor of partly erected structures appealed to me quite a bit, why I dunno, but it did).

Maybe we're all trapped in our roles as men and women. Again, it seems something has spiralled out of control, yet its influence can be felt as we go about our daily day-to-days.

You're helping to identify these seen and unseen forces in our lives, and for that I salute you.
| Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  This has the trademark intensity that your writes often have, but it's less of a rant, scholarly in fact as though there was only one part of you listening to one voice as it was being told.

It speaks straight, and that is significant. You might ask why, and I've said it one voice that is you in your style simply stating the facts as you see them.

The lover coming back to haunt, all the reasons to leave seem stereotypical, and yet that rings true for me also. I am not normal and am quite proud of it, as you should be.

I have to fave this one, I love it all yum!! Stellar work, Krista, eggscellent!!

Nan
| Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  again (when will my amazement cease?), this is another wonderful assertion piece of female empowerment (embitterment maybe?). just how do you do it? it cant be all piss and vinegar. im sure (or at least, hope) its not. if it was all that, then it would lose its potency, and your posts are far from impotent (oh i marvel at my wit! lol)! when i read your stuff it comes off as someone letting off a lot of steam and pent up whatevers. but it sounds well thought out. coming out with a guns-a-blazing with sharp shooter accuracy.

"ghost" somewhat a vague target, but reading your themes past, it might come off pretty obvious. nearing the end, its almost like the last post; it gains a lot of momentum, and then... pfft... its cool though, every post of yours is. its almost like "yeah whatever, you guys arent worth all this here $hit."

much power to you.

-pietro
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
  well i think that it is a shame that you only have one comment here, your piece certainly warrants more attention than that.

in my opinion, which incidentally means very little, this is a work in progress. it is very much there; linear and motivational. it is like the first words of one woman to start an army of women [fu>ck that thought scares the sh>it out of me, ha].
like a matrix that grows exponentially downwards.
like ants over a carcass.

the momentum is superb here, a little rough and ragged but i would say that this may be more suited to a style you may adopt as opposed to a polished hand.

do be well with that soft complexion of yours belying your age and wear ;-)

take care
on1eday
| Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  Screamtious,

I dunno about this one, me lady. Something about it kind of irks me... but i can't put my finger on it (dan da nunt).

Firstly, i'm a little rattled by the bulk of the poem (which is actually the better part for me) which is about an old lover and the uncomfortable presence that they bring with them into your bed. Especially when they're not there.

I read this really powerful description by an aussie writer once (he's actually a comedic writer) where he's lying in bed with his girlfriend but it's that point in their relationship when it's just not there anymore. He wants to cuddle her but it's like an array of daggers pirecing him whenever he tries to get close to her.

That's kind of different though i know, that's more pre, where as this is definately post.

The rest of the poem though deals with other issues, much more the strive for independence and inner strength which are under developed. You don't really seem to nail anything here. Which is a shame because what you're trying to say is worth saying, and i also think it transcends gender, even though it is written from a specifically and necessarily female perspective.

Unusually for you there are a lack of punches! Where as i've come to expect the combination of a much fiercer boxer when reading you words.

I think the secret here is that this is probably a sketching of a larger work. Probably half as long again if you're to do it justice.

The killer section though is:

it took along time for platforms to rise from our calloused heals so we women could walk alone.

our knuckles bleed because those brick walls cannot be defeated and in the meantime we left you hangin there, half finished, only partly erected...

really noice.

But i'd ditch most of this:

whether you are flesh
or the midst of memory

the other half are submerged in tubs, all the world's half-finished poems
all the world’s forgotten babies

or atleast significantly re-work it

Well me lady, i must be off. Feeling a darn sight better today though, i must say.

Much love to y'all.

Abzy
| Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by Abzy | [ Reply to This ]

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