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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Passion Unbridleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: babytinkerbelle
    ASL Info:    26/f/aus
    Elite Ratio:    5.25 - 310/209/42
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1004
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 500



    Description:
       Ok so this si just the shell of a poem that i will eventually get around to finishing,

    basically its about this guy that I was having a thing with befor eI met my current boyfriend and well a part of me wants to go back to him but a larger part of me loves my boyfriend more than i have ever loved any man.

    Anyway tell me what you think and suggestions onhow to improve would be welcomed


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPassion Unbridleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lust envelops me
    As you gently kiss my neck
    A sensual touch
    My body aches

    Lust takes over me
    As you caress my skin
    Holding me against you
    I canít stand to wait

    Passion takes over
    As your hands reach their destination
    Unbottled, unbridled, no fixed sight to point my gaze,
    I cry out in desperation

    At the end of the night
    I leave your strong embrace
    To return to reality




    Submitted on 2006-02-08 19:15:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This had quite a bit of potential..I see that this is just a draft. So here's a few things for editing.
    I'm not a fan of starting the second strophe with the same word as you did the first. The poem is too short and blatant for it. The "against you" is a bit redundant since it's understood because of the preceding imagery. Use those syllables for more description.

    The ending also is a bit harsh..like throwing ice on your reader. It left me thinking "that's it?"
    I really htink you'll shape this into something really exciting to read, because it's good now...it pulls the reader.
    jan
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot. There is room for the reader's imagination, I like that. You don't spell everything out word for word, you leave some mystery. You show how your experience with this person is so wonderful and special and then you show how reality slaps you in the face after such a great embrace. But it's really good. <3
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. this exudes a firey passion in every word. it really envelopes the idea and brings the reader in. i loved this write! the only line that throws the flow off a bit was "Unbottled, unbridled, no fixed sight to point my gaze..."

    but at the same time, i appreciated it. i almost feel like it made it more exciting to break up the rhyme scheme like that. good job. <3
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by cre_dia | [ Reply to This ]


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