Lust envelops me
As you gently kiss my neck
A sensual touch
My body aches
Lust takes over me
As you caress my skin
Holding me against you
I can’t stand to wait
Passion takes over
As your hands reach their destination
Unbottled, unbridled, no fixed sight to point my gaze,
I cry out in desperation
At the end of the night
I leave your strong embrace
To return to reality
| This had quite a bit of potential..I see that this is just a draft. So here's a few things for editing.|
I'm not a fan of starting the second strophe with the same word as you did the first. The poem is too short and blatant for it. The "against you" is a bit redundant since it's understood because of the preceding imagery. Use those syllables for more description.
The ending also is a bit harsh..like throwing ice on your reader. It left me thinking "that's it?"
I really htink you'll shape this into something really exciting to read, because it's good now...it pulls the reader.
|| Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ] || I like this a lot. There is room for the reader's imagination, I like that. You don't spell everything out word for word, you leave some mystery. You show how your experience with this person is so wonderful and special and then you show how reality slaps you in the face after such a great embrace. But it's really good. <3||| Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ] || wow. this exudes a firey passion in every word. it really envelopes the idea and brings the reader in. i loved this write! the only line that throws the flow off a bit was "Unbottled, unbridled, no fixed sight to point my gaze..."|
but at the same time, i appreciated it. i almost feel like it made it more exciting to break up the rhyme scheme like that. good job. <3
|| Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by cre_dia | [ Reply to This ] |