Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Act Onedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dandan
    ASL Info:    19/F/Florida
    Elite Ratio:    4.93 - 604/323/49
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 274
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 674



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAct Onedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I walked up to you
    You put an arm around my shoulders
    And we pretended everything was okay
    Between the two of us, the world and us.

    We played out the melodrama of two years
    Many tears and forgotten fights,
    But still we strove on
    And we pretended everything was okay
    Between the two of us, the world and us.

    Then, one day, the curtains closed,
    Scene interrupted, new character to the scene.
    Now something’s changed, but who was to know
    That you pulled the string?
    And now I can’t pretend all alone;
    I’ve just got this empty act to call my own.





    Submitted on 2006-02-08 20:45:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The idea of your piece was quite interesting. It was creative to use "One Act" plays as a way to describe your situation in your piece. But maybe if you elborated more on that part, this would give us more to think about meaning improving your words.

    In the first two stanza's, you have the same phrase repeated at the end. It sounds a bit awkward to me. It doesn't feel completed because it's like dangling in the air waiting for a ending. Maybe to others this would be fine but the wording is weird to me. Also,

    Scene interrupted, new character to the scene.

    This also seemed awkward. it messed up the pattern you had throughout the beginning of your piece. I don't think it's a good idea to repeat "scene" in this particular phrase. I would give sugestions but it takes me awhile to think which sucks. Overall, the basic idea was brillant but detail and revisions could help this piece a lot more. Take care.

    -Lado
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.