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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Within These Four Wallsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: KimmyBoo
    ASL Info:    1990/F/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.79 - 14/10/9
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 704
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1225



    Description:
       I just wrote this..uh..give me feed back...your thoughts and Ideas about it..the best and worst parts...please be honest...i you dont like it..say so..give me truth...

    I edited it 2-10-06..so maybe its a lil better..you tell me?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWithin These Four Wallsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Within these four walls,
    Thoughts of him bounce around her,
    Times they've share,
    And times he didn't care.

    Within these four walls,
    She criticizes herself,
    Tearing herself down,
    Making more damage and rubbish
    that can't be cleared.

    Within these four walls,
    She breaks down and cries,
    She just wants to die,
    She just wants to live.

    Within these four walls,
    She can't help but think of him,
    Everyday, he's there,
    But only in here mind,
    And it makes her cry.

    Now within these four walls,
    She is confined,
    Never to be let out,
    But yet she is trying,
    To break this barricade of her mind.

    And within these four walls,
    No one knows what's going on,
    And what she plans,
    What she wishes she for.

    Within these four walls,
    She wishes for him,
    To come back from the cold,
    And bring the daylight home.

    But these four walls,
    Are going down,
    Someday, somehow,
    She's going to break these four walls down.




    Submitted on 2006-02-08 23:27:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is amazing.
    my favorite write so far.
    I love the paragraph "
    Within these four walls,
    She criticizes herself,
    Tearing herself down,
    Making more damage and rubbish
    that can't be cleared."
    I can relate to that a lot.
    amazing talent.
    -Brianna_rose
    | Posted on 2008-04-23 00:00:00 | by Brianna_rose | [ Reply to This ]
      some minor errors but none that can't be overlooked. anyway i like the overall thought and meaning of the poem. about a girl strugling to find herself outside of an unfimailar place. but the 2nd to last stanza the last line...
    "What she wishes she for."

    i don't get it and i don't see how it fits.
    thats the only part of this piece i realy have a problem with but it's still a great write.

    brandon
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
      I'll start with things concerning form. I'm relatively sure (so about 95%) that 'with in' should be 'within.' And the 4th line of the second stanza has a '-' at the end, and it just feels awkward to me. And then in the 5th line of the 2nd stanza you have 'cant' and I personally think it should be 'cannot.' 2nd line of the 3rd stanza you have 'cry's' and it should probably be 'cries' (she's actually crying, isn't she???). 4th stanza again you have 'cant' and it should be changed to 'can't' or 'cannot.' And your very last line you wrote 'gonna' and I feel like it should be 'going to.' You don't want to wreck the end by using slang when the rest of it has no slang at all.

    Okay, I hope that was as painless as possible. I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm sort of an english major and it really grinds me seeing people not paying that much attention to their grammer. Anyways, I love the meaning behind what you wrote. I've been in a situation like this way too many times, and I could just really relate. The grammer suggestions that I gave you above didn't really take away from what you were saying, but they kind of affected the flow, and I think that your story would be stronger overall if you addressed some of those concerns of mine. This is definately worthy of a favs add. Thanks for writing this...it's totally awesome.

    Jess
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]


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