Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Passion Unbridled - revised

Author: babytinkerbelle
ASL Info:    26/f/aus
Elite Ratio:    5.25 - 310 /209 /42
Words: 136
Class/Type: Poetry /Passion
Total Views: 981
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 885


ok so this is a second attempt at capturing the raw feelings and passionthat I experienced with this guy,

Please understand that when I say that my skin was bruised and bleeding I do not mean that he hurt me, but our relationship was one that was based on sex and we are both wild lovers. If that makes any sense.

Again comments are greatly welcomed

Passion Unbridled - revised

When you gently kiss my neck
My senses awaken
I no longer feel
Shy or intimidated
I feel Beautiful and wanted

when you caress my skin
it burns a path
Desire building inside me
I can’t stand to wait

Passion takes over
As your hands reach their destination
Unbottled, unbridled, no fixed sight to point my gaze,
I cry out in desperation

You hold my arms tightly
And push me against the table
Large hand prints on my arms
But I hardly care

Your lips crash against mine
In a painful but hot kiss
My hands fumble for your jeans
I begin to feel shy again

At the end of the night
My skin bruised and bleeding
I lie in your strong embrace
Your hot lips brushing against mine

Submitted on 2006-02-08 23:46:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  This is much better. Your a lot more descriptive and it has a definite ending..the reader is not left hanging. i sometimes think that describing a relationship is one of the hardest things to do. The difference between the two is night and day...great revision.
| Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


this is one write that I cant believe came from you
This is deep and emotional and I do not think this is too strongly put
You captured that feeling of ecstacy one achieves when they are in the throws of pasiion
I liked tghis one
A definate change of pace for you
God Bless
Your Friend
| Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  This describes the complete abandon of passion very well, especially "no fixed sight to point my gaze". Everything sort of dissolves. You have written waves here, building and falling away ("I begin to feel shy again"). In fact, this is written exactly as I can imagine it feels. Well done.
| Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Fantastic Freya | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?