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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Passion Unbridled - reviseddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: babytinkerbelle
    ASL Info:    26/f/aus
    Elite Ratio:    5.25 - 310/209/42
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 939
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 883



    Description:
       ok so this is a second attempt at capturing the raw feelings and passionthat I experienced with this guy,

    Please understand that when I say that my skin was bruised and bleeding I do not mean that he hurt me, but our relationship was one that was based on sex and we are both wild lovers. If that makes any sense.

    Again comments are greatly welcomed


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPassion Unbridled - reviseddots
    -------------------------------------------


    When you gently kiss my neck
    My senses awaken
    I no longer feel
    Shy or intimidated
    I feel Beautiful and wanted

    when you caress my skin
    it burns a path
    Desire building inside me
    I canít stand to wait

    Passion takes over
    As your hands reach their destination
    Unbottled, unbridled, no fixed sight to point my gaze,
    I cry out in desperation

    You hold my arms tightly
    And push me against the table
    Large hand prints on my arms
    But I hardly care

    Your lips crash against mine
    In a painful but hot kiss
    My hands fumble for your jeans
    I begin to feel shy again

    At the end of the night
    My skin bruised and bleeding
    I lie in your strong embrace
    Your hot lips brushing against mine




    Submitted on 2006-02-08 23:46:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is much better. Your a lot more descriptive and it has a definite ending..the reader is not left hanging. i sometimes think that describing a relationship is one of the hardest things to do. The difference between the two is night and day...great revision.
    jan
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Tink

    WOW

    this is one write that I cant believe came from you
    This is deep and emotional and I do not think this is too strongly put
    You captured that feeling of ecstacy one achieves when they are in the throws of pasiion
    I liked tghis one
    A definate change of pace for you
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This describes the complete abandon of passion very well, especially "no fixed sight to point my gaze". Everything sort of dissolves. You have written waves here, building and falling away ("I begin to feel shy again"). In fact, this is written exactly as I can imagine it feels. Well done.
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Fantastic Freya | [ Reply to This ]


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