I wish i could have memorized all of your expressions
How you made words with your motions.
Upon your face
For every feeling lies a definition,
For every situation a gesture,
For every explanation a rhythm.
I love to watch the sound of your glee echo
A ripple effect to touch your lips
And cause your eyes to dance in tune
As if a pebble has been thrown into the pool of your face.
I love to see the strike of concern stain your face
A tide to stretch forth, narrow your brow, glaze your eyes,
And hold your mouth silent
As if a wave has washed over the sands of your soul.
If only i could glimpse the magic moments of your motions,
They are too many to recount
To recollect and to remember
The so much of you- that means so much to me...
I wish i could have memorized them all
I would replay them one by one.
i don't know..to me there is a wonderful simplicity to this...this is one of those poems where straightforward kind of works...the three lines with the definition, gesture, rhythm...really work for me...
sometimes simpler words can be used but create something different...to me it is how you used the words in here...not so much which ones you used..
and there is a striking picture for me...a real longing i feel reading this..
whereas window dressing may just impede that feeling...
This has a lot of potential and at present it gets you a certain distance toward your goal but I do believe that it could be improved so much that you see this version as a sketch.
Firstly the thing that strikes me most is that there's little made of the missing guy. There's no real point in the poem where the realization that he's gone strikes me with full force. I think it's kind of cool that all these tiny observations build and speak to how much he was adored and missed but all I'm saying is that I'm not sure the poem reaches its full potential in this manner. I don't think this is aided by the use of generic, and so weak, phrases like "I wish" at the beginning and end of the poem.
A big stumbling point for me was the conflict that exists around the tense. Tense is a common trouble area in poetry and when there are inconsistencies or errors in the use of this it halts the progress of the poem because the reader is then working out for themselves how it should be and is taken out of the moment, out of the poem.
The other thing is that some of your phrasing, particularly about the facial expressions, gets you from A to B but has a tendency to be plain or laboured. Don't get me wrong: their are some beautiful ideas and images here it's just that I think you could refine how those are conveyed.
wow...i kept choosing a favorite line or stanza, but then i would read more and find that i was amazed by them all. this is gorgeous. here are some suggestions if you would like them:
[[Upon your face for every feeling lies a definition For every situation a gesture, For every explanation a rhythm.]] --there were a lot of words to concentrate on in the first line. maybe the stanza would be more parallel if you seperated it and made it read: ((Upon your face For every feeling lies a definition For every... For every...)).
[[I love to watch the sound of your glee echo]] --awesome line.
[[As if a pebble has been thrown into the pool of your face.]] --beautiful imagery.
[[If only i could just glimpse the magic moments of your motions,]] --i would maybe delete a word or two...maybe to say ((If i could just glimpse)) or ((If only i could glimpse))
anyway, just some thoughts :] sophie
(p.s. You ended it very well, I was moved by the last lines--they rang true)
Heh, I hate to sound like an ass, but I must agree with Sheakhan on this one. While punctuation isn't a must, if you are going to use it in a piece, then use it correctly and consistently.
Other than that though, I loved it. It's definitely an interesting piece about something we all know and see every day, human emotion expressed in body language.
The metaphors you used in this piece were well done, and though some of the ideas seemed a bit cliché, like the pebble thrown into the pool of water, the way you used them in this piece was very original. It was almost a reinvention of classic poetic visuals.
Anyway, very well done overall. Please keep the poetry flowing.
this is a perfect example of brilliant metaphoring. its definitely a nature piece as well. there's a brilliant catch at the end where you state that you wish you could memorize every nuance on the subject. a fine touch. the images were wonderful. a treat to read.
it seems to me that whoever you wrote this for was a very expressive and unique individual. it comes out that way and is obvious from the write. i dare not touch this with any suggestions on the form (lol), however you write the lines here, you cant go wrong. this is a very beautiful write.
Hey I feel so nostalgia already...for someone who is infatuated with the sea...This is an ideal piece to reminisce about the profound memories I shared at the beach..I'd do anything to live around the coast..Still I loved the dual nature of this piece...Its incredible how you likened this significant other to all the elements that are connected with the captivating "ocean"...I loved it ..I could smell and breathe the write..ITS JUST SO VIVID...Very sagaciously crafted piece..Be happppy Nobantu
this is good and i can see what ur talking bout the flow is good and i think u should keep writing ya ive felt like this this poem gives me a picture and when writing a poem i think that thats a good thing to be able to do