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a wanted torture

Author: morte
ASL Info:    17/female/earth
Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 430 /348 /55
Words: 93
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1215
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 607


any comments are appreciated...i haven't written in a long while and i'm trying to get back in the swing of things

a wanted torture

Enfolded in your gossamer soul
The color of moonshine and cobwebs
This has become my sanctuary
Where I happily drink your venom
This poison, this normality,
This beloved cliché burns my veins
Please don’t let there be an antidote

Throwing myself off the edge, falling
Lost in the labyrinth of your eyes
Dancing with childhood fantasies
Somehow resurrected by you
Illusions merge with reality
Under a sky painted by Van Gogh
I never want to find my way out

Ah, so this is love?

Submitted on 2006-02-09 17:02:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  this is anexcellent piece, filled with so much imagery and intersting plays on words, i liked in particular "the colour of moonshine and cobwebs" and "gossamer soul" the only thing i would change is the last line, i'd get rid of it altogether as i feel it trivialises what i was taking very seriously until that point. however, that's just my opinion and if you feel the line has particular meaning then you were right to include it, you seem to have written from the heart and it definitely shows, it is very imaginitive and i really, really loved it, please keep submitting things like this!
| Posted on 2006-03-26 00:00:00 | by freeangel | [ Reply to This ]
I thought this was a very twisted but enjoyable piece. I'm fully cognizant of the fact that this was probably not meant to be funny but it made me laugh somehow not I wanna be rude or something... Hope you don't get mad at me.

I happened to think that the strength of the poem lies on diction due to this was piercingly effective.

Nicely done,

Wishing you well,

| Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
  Most of my suggestions are purely grammatical. There is no need to capitalize each line, though you can, since it is more of a preference thing than anything else. Punctuation would be nice...There's no punctuation at the end of any lines.

Other than that, beautiful poem and truly a good job. I particularly liked three parts:

"This beloved cliché burns my veins
Please don’t let there be an antidote"

"Under a sky painted by Van Gogh
I never want to find my way out"

and, my personal favorite,

"Ah, so this is love?"

The simple, kind of dry question at the end isn't out of place as many questions in poems often are. It sums up what you are talking about in a way that relates the reader. You can almost imagine someone saying the last line rather sarcastically, as if they feel both cursed and blessed.

Onto my favorites, my friend.

Vintage Emotion :heart:
| Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by Vintage Emotion | [ Reply to This ]

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