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The perfect tan

Author: babytinkerbelle
ASL Info:    26/f/aus
Elite Ratio:    5.25 - 310 /209 /42
Words: 65
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 927
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 362


Ok so this was something i have been thinking about for awhile. It's just a rough draft at the moment but feedback would be great

The perfect tan

It’s been so long
Since I had a man
With a masculine chest
And the perfect Tan

I do not know
How long it’s been
To look at a man
And be turned on by what I have seen

I know who it is
That I want it to be
Have him hold me close
And feel him deep inside of me

Submitted on 2006-02-09 23:36:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  After a few writes, I've decided that you get down and idea in your rough draft and then run with it in the editing stage. Again I think this lacks the feelings that You can show when you put your mind to're telling us not painint the emotions with your words.
And if you don't remember how's definitely been too
| Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with Emerging soul on this one. I think that you did a fine job of expressing your longing for sexual contact. I think that this was just the right lenght for this poem. Since you were being blunt, there was no need to elaborate you were horny. lol. Very well written and nicely done.

| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  The middle verse seems a bit uneven...awkward because of the last line...perhaps something more like,

"I do not know
How long it's been
Since I've looked at a man
And liked what I've seen"


Otherwise, nice, sweet, short, simple...

| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
  You are really geting wild with these erotic poems
I have a funny feeling you have your eyes on someone and are just figuring out a way to let him know
Be positive and show him your Heart
That my Friend will capture him quite easily
God Bless
Your Friend
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  go deep! lmao...

okay I liked what i read but now i'm sitting here * scratching head* wondering where in carmen san diego is the rest????

| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
  Hubba, hubba, hubba!
These erotic, longing type writes can be pretty boring sometimes and get off into the "TOO dreamy" tangent, ya know? But this one was short, tight and powerful. You didnt drag it out and make it seem like a desperate pathetic housewife thing. Very well written!
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  i really didn't like this write for personal reasons. to me most of your rhyming words are typical, but i like the expression of longing, and the need for a man. it almost reminded me of a fun, funny kind of poem with the way you wrote it, though. it also could just be that i have a much more serious and deep approach to writing. that's just me. so keep writing, and i'm deffinantly going to come back to see some other stuff you've written. <3
| Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by cre_dia | [ Reply to This ]

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