Deaf Ears by Cat

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Deaf Ears dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Cat
ASL Info:	17/F/Aus
Elite Ratio:	4.31 - 104/87/27
Words:	67

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	189
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	415

Description:
I'm not proud of this piece but can't figure out how to fix it. Some advice please?

Deaf Ears dots

-------------------------------------------

Words fall on deaf ears
as all meaning is stolen from them,
and what could have been so profound,
is lost by those who claim to know.
I long to know their answers,
but daren't risk their rage
and so I continue in silence
because they can't know me,
only what I choose to share.
What I choose to share,
and that is dwindling day by day.

Submitted on 2006-02-10 04:51:38 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Your words fall on deaf ears because you are not expressing yourself as you think you are. You want advise on how to fix this...well, I would of expounded on why the words are deaf, and the listeners themselves and less on you. Maybe bring out at the very end how you only share very little to others and let the reader decide if it's you are your listners who have the communication problem. Scratch the word daren't and keep your flow and imagery. Plus the lenght, perfect lenght for this kind of deep poem. I hope this helped some. Nice job.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  Don't worry peole will hear you, don't be so safe guarded, you should give what ya got and shout it out loud. The world needs a some voices with a bit precaution to them, the world needs a bit of wisdom it far to bold. People will listen...eventually. - Ash.
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]
  I feel that this is good, and agree with Cuddle that you should exchange "dare not" for "daren't". The last two lines are a bit akward, as well...perhaps,

"And what I choose is dwindling
Day by day"

???

Take care,

~B~
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this, but I found your use of "daren't" a bit jarring; perhaps "dare not" would be better, but it's your call. Blah, length has nothing to do with quality. I find that it's harder to write an effective short piece than a long one. Nice piece, Amy
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  My Friend if you look carefully at your write
You see that others are listening to You
They realize that your words are so true and they dont want to let you know they are because they are afraid there words will tarnish your Loving Heart
I for one learned much from your words here and I am not afraid to tell you that
God Bless
Your Friend
Ron

Please if yopu get a chance please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  This was good as it was, but soem additions to the piece would be nice. It seems a bit short and to the point (the way I like things) but a bit longer wouldn't hurt at all. I'd try incorporating something like
looking into their eyes, deep into their soul, and try to figure out what their answer would be in their mute silence.
Only some ideas. Good luck!
~*AnGeL*~
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by missing_angel | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.