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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: These are the Tearsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: KimmyBoo
    ASL Info:    1990/F/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.79 - 14/10/9
    Words: 349
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 728
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2088



    Description:
       ****Im re-writing this..or working on it..lol..****

    I wrote this about a guy who had said once that he would come to a church play i was in..and well he didnt show..but i wrote this 12-9-05 so yeah its kinda old...but the hurt feelings are still here so yeah..i cant edited very well, cuz my mind isnt clear. so yeah help me out and uhh..tell me what needs to go and stay and all that pretty lil stuff that will make it better than b4

    --------- 5/28/09
    i wrote this about a canadian I think..its the only guy that fits w the time frame. but i barrely remember this. so I guess it is good that I wake up four years later and try to edit it. lol


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThese are the Tearsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    These are the tears that I cry,
    They fall like the rain
    That never ends,
    To the clouds, my cheeks are like deserts,
    But they have been washed away,
    But the cloud that looks upon my cheek,
    Can not see that it is washing me away.

    Every nite,
    These tears flow like rading rivers,
    I cant stop them, thru I try,
    There is no dam that could ever hold them back,
    For they flow like the blood within my veins.

    There is no way to stop them,
    I can not just not talk,
    I can not ignore,
    I see you, and I know you see me,
    When ever I look into your eyes
    All I can see is pain.

    And I wonder..
    Is it because of me?
    Can you see the pain, that I feel, in my eyes,
    For you dropped me
    As if I am nothing,
    I understand half,
    But never all.

    I am forced to smile,
    Be nice, and not cry,
    But I cry when the feeling is too great to bare,
    Everything is falling apart,

    I craw into my hole, in which I dug many years ago,
    And I thought I filled it back up,
    I thought grass grew over it,
    And yet I find it..still there
    And the things I left behind,
    I actually have been carrying,
    Its this I wonder how...

    But what I wanted to bary deep in the earth,
    cannot go away,
    And now this..will not leave me,
    Its like a horror movie, in which I hate the most,
    It haunts me when I am wake,
    It haunts me in my dreams
    Even a dream catcher could not stop this thing.

    Why must I hold on to this?
    Why can I not just break this barrier?
    I'm tired of this,
    I wanna talk, I wanna smile something true,
    I wanna be with you...

    But I must’nt..I must’nt hope to high...
    For as I know..at 730 tonite...
    I'll look for your face..
    And your seat will be empty,
    And then I'll go home..and cry...




    Submitted on 2006-02-10 09:57:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I understand the pain that you speak of in this piece.
    The begining was well written. I enjoyed it, but as I kept reading my attention was slipping.
    It was too long for the subject, you were using the same thing just different metaphors.
    I understand that it was rant, it can be hard to stop, but there are stanza that can be removed without loosing the emotion.

    You also have some spelling errors, easy to do, but they take away from the beauty of the piece.

    'I can not just not talk,'

    places like this, that have too many words & that are not structured clutter the piece.
    Instead of having a nice flow it stops & you have to re-read it to understand the way that it is written.
    I would suggest that you go back & read it outloud, word for word. Usually it helps a lot because you can see when you loose the flow.

    One last suggestion would be something to tie the begining to the end a little more.
    I love the last part, the last few lines. They fit well but the whole thing is about tears & for several stanzas you seem to go off track totally.

    'But what I wanted to bary deep in the earth,
    cannot go away,
    And now this..will not leave me,
    Its like a horror movie, in which I hate the most,
    It haunts me when I am wake,
    It haunts me in my dreams
    Even a dream catcher could not stop this thing.'

    This is nice, but it doesnt go with the feeling of the poem.

    'These are the tears that I cry,
    They fall like the rain
    That never ends,
    To the clouds, my cheeks are like deserts,
    But they have been washed away,
    But the cloud that looks upon my cheek,
    Can not see that it is washing me away.'

    This is a softer theme, the former is just seems different in the voice of it.
    Sometimes you can get away with that by using softer tones in the begining, building up in the middle & then using soft tones again at the end.

    So I would just look at the poem again, it is good, but I feel like it could be much better.
    It is your poem & these are just suggestions, take them only as you feel needed.
    take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Theconcept was good, but a lot of the metaphors in this piece were cliché and unoriginal. I uderstand that you're relating it back to a personal experience and that can make for a more direct and less technically perfect piece, but it seems that even when you attempted depth it came up short. I would suggest you revise and work on making it sound unique, but it is your piece, so do as you will...

    -Meckes
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Meckes | [ Reply to This ]


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