With Him by Meckes

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Submission Name: With Him dots

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Author:	Meckes
ASL Info:	18/M/NJ
Elite Ratio:	5.66 - 137/120/37
Words:	91

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	192
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	591

Description:
Short piece... My sister just got out of an abusive relationship a few months back and I was sitting in bed one night thinking about it... And I wondered what I would ever do if I met a girl in that situation... This is what came out

With Him dots

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She said love with him
is a bloodied lip
and a bruised thigh
and that the sun rises every day
to show purpled flesh
and teach her life

And she said forever
is her sentence
for a crime of faith
Another man, another hand
knew her every part
and she earned his hate

God was absent in her
and the idols were false

And I watched her tears
And I kissed them away

Forever ended that night

But began again the next day,
back with him

Submitted on 2006-02-10 13:01:56 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Sad piece of writing, but you captured the voice of a victim well.

I'm not sure if belongs more as poetry or prose. The syntax, sparse punctuation, and lack of rhyme or rhythm leans more towards prose, but it's all symantic, isn't it?

The only thing I tripped up on was the 'And' starting the second stanza. You're repetition in the rest of the piece gives a circular, stressed feeling to the piece that grabs the reader and keeps them enthralled. It was just that one that stopped the flow for me. Maybe that was your goal?

Either way, a heart touching write. I'm so glad I have my wonderful sweetheart that treats me so well.

Take CAre!

Chell
| Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  Well let me say this comment I learned from my mom "Love is Blind" and some peole its hard to leave any kind of relationship like that cause I have to say i've been in a good amount of relationships like that and it was no picknic but I didn't want to leave cause I was lead to think there was no one else out there for me, but enough about me let me evaluate your poem, well if you haven't noticed by now this poem touch me on a certain level which is a plus and you picked a topic that i'm pretty sure some people can relate to which is also a plus and last of all it had a good level of emotion which is also a plus.So all in all my final word(s) is keep at it you have true talent just keep working at it and you'll go far and I truley mean that k and I'll be on the lookout for some more of your rights I promise you that. 1 love(oh yeah I hope your sister gets through this and tell her she'll be in C.Flava's pryers)
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by C. Flava | [ Reply to This ]
  It sounds as if you've described a typically helpless person in need of help (and swimming away from the life preserver as if safety were a hand grenade). Perhaps the abused have become comfortable with pain because they've learned not to trust anyone (and they feel they don't deserve love/happiness/respect/etc.). Of course, there are some who play the rescuer and abuser against one another like a hand of poker (winner take nothing). I certainly pray your sister finds someone more caring and understanding in the future. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  I can relate to this. It's simple yet it coveys emotion. The word pain jumps into my head as I read this. I liked it, and though I see some roo for improvement, it is good as it is.
-Rob-
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ]
  wow. i tell you Meckes... i like this. i say, keep it up. you seem to have a lot of potential for someone your age.

personally, this piece invoked alot of emotions from me. i was able to see your tenderness, your warmth and compassion, yet i was frustrated to see her choice to remain in the destructive cycle.

i was a bit confused by the second paragraph. i think "another man..." threw me off. were you refering to the abusive one or someone else?

other than that. i am proud. i personally know the effects of being entangled in a particular stronghold, not this one per se, but an strong hold none the less. you always feel like you deserve the worst...
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]

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