It is a late night on Friday and I digging the scene
I spot you on the floor, damn you doing the thing
So I stand up fix my cloths to make sure I look right
It's time I make the move to bring you with me tonight
I donít have a hook so I will just play it by ear
You gave me those sexy eyes that seem say come right over here
As I peruse your style all your curves are so erotic
I am getting real excited as I watch you work you body
She saw me earlier, and waited till my people were gone
She made up her mind I was not leaving here alone
I told her she was forward and asked how she knew what I would think
She didnít give an answer she just nodded and winked
This is a bit obvious why not a drink and a letter?
She said enough talking I think it is time we get together
In a minute weíre in the car on the way to my home
For the entire night I plan to make this woman moan
We have the lights turned low working with a soft beat
The way I kiss on your neck make your knee weak
I don't know why but seems we are drawn to each other
Looks like you called on me to be your late night lover.
What more can I say that has not already been said....fix the you and her...and punctuation (nope already said)...good imagination (that was said too) Ok I will say this, though a good write, very imaginative...I am disappointed that yet another writer portrays an easy woman. She gives in to you without hesitation, but we can talk about this another time...
I pretty much get the transitions from past and present sort of like a reminiscing type thing while things are happing though the night. I think it tells how things came about in the end...well end of part one. Ill be looking for part II
I concur with the other commentors, but I will add some more advise. Your rhyming flow was a bit off in certain places. This almost sound like a song when I read it out loud. I think the club scene is for the strong, I'm not one of them. lol. This was a upbeat and sexy write. just take care of the tensing and flow, and you will have winner. I look forward to the next part of this saga.
I have to agree with angl...a re-write of this should pay attention to keeping the person (you, yours vs her, hers, she) constant throughout the entire piece. ALSO...you have to keep your tense constant. You are either doing things NOW, or you DID them then. You're switching back and forth, the first two paragraphs in the present-tense (You're doing this NOW) and then it changes to past-tense.
Otherwise, the imagery was wonderful...I could really "see" in my mind the person at the club, seeing the girl, checking his look, feeling the anticipation, etc.
With a bit of revision, and keeping these things in mind for part II...very nice!
This is really good. The only thing that threw me off was how you kept switching from 'you' to 'her' in dif places. If you fix that it will be a great write. I like how you leave it open ended-to be continued. Cant wait for part II!
TO BE CONTINUED? Man! Let me know what happens in the mornin when ya'll wake up! Let me know if she turns out to be a 300 lb buck teethed woman! LMFAO
This was some good stuff here! I could relate to this as being the woman on the other end...although I've never gone home with a man right after meeting him in the club...may have to try it sometime...LOL!