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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Seductiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Silver20G
    ASL Info:    28/M/Wisconsin
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 158/109/25
    Words: 248
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 909
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1304



    Description:
       This is a new thing for me. I thought I would try my hand at the old club scene. Tell me what you think. Enjoy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeductiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    It is a late night on Friday and I digging the scene
    I spot you on the floor, damn you doing the thing
    So I stand up fix my cloths to make sure I look right
    It's time I make the move to bring you with me tonight

    I donít have a hook so I will just play it by ear
    You gave me those sexy eyes that seem say come right over here
    As I peruse your style all your curves are so erotic
    I am getting real excited as I watch you work you body

    She saw me earlier, and waited till my people were gone
    She made up her mind I was not leaving here alone
    I told her she was forward and asked how she knew what I would think
    She didnít give an answer she just nodded and winked

    This is a bit obvious why not a drink and a letter?
    She said enough talking I think it is time we get together
    In a minute weíre in the car on the way to my home
    For the entire night I plan to make this woman moan

    We have the lights turned low working with a soft beat
    The way I kiss on your neck make your knee weak
    I don't know why but seems we are drawn to each other
    Looks like you called on me to be your late night lover.

    TO BE CONTINUED.




    Submitted on 2006-02-10 14:26:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      What more can I say that has not already been said....fix the you and her...and punctuation (nope already said)...good imagination (that was said too) Ok I will say this, though a good write, very imaginative...I am disappointed that yet another writer portrays an easy woman. She gives in to you without hesitation, but we can talk about this another time...

    :)
    | Posted on 2006-08-21 00:00:00 | by unleashed | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this bunches and bunches....i cant wait to read more

    the details are nice, and the rhyme scheme, while not always right on, is good and goes with the flow....it doesnt sound too forced, which is good
    | Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      I cant wait to read the continuation! this write was hot. The rhyme and flow is good and I enjoyed reading it keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Alura | [ Reply to This ]
      I pretty much get the transitions from past and present sort of like a reminiscing type thing while things are happing though the night. I think it tells how things came about in the end...well end of part one. Ill be looking for part II
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by melody10977 | [ Reply to This ]
      I concur with the other commentors, but I will add some more advise. Your rhyming flow was a bit off in certain places. This almost sound like a song when I read it out loud. I think the club scene is for the strong, I'm not one of them. lol. This was a upbeat and sexy write. just take care of the tensing and flow, and you will have winner. I look forward to the next part of this saga.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with angl...a re-write of this should pay attention to keeping the person (you, yours vs her, hers, she) constant throughout the entire piece. ALSO...you have to keep your tense constant. You are either doing things NOW, or you DID them then. You're switching back and forth, the first two paragraphs in the present-tense (You're doing this NOW) and then it changes to past-tense.

    Otherwise, the imagery was wonderful...I could really "see" in my mind the person at the club, seeing the girl, checking his look, feeling the anticipation, etc.

    With a bit of revision, and keeping these things in mind for part II...very nice!
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. The only thing that threw me off was how you kept switching from 'you' to 'her' in dif places. If you fix that it will be a great write. I like how you leave it open ended-to be continued. Cant wait for part II!

    Ciao,
    ~Angie
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by faln_angl | [ Reply to This ]
      really good and puts very distictiveimages in my head lol can't wait for the second part hurryy! lol jk justtry to fix the you and her thing and it will be perfect
    izzi xx
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by fallen_angel384 | [ Reply to This ]
      TO BE CONTINUED? Man! Let me know what happens in the mornin when ya'll wake up! Let me know if she turns out to be a 300 lb buck teethed woman! LMFAO

    Just playing!

    This was some good stuff here! I could relate to this as being the woman on the other end...although I've never gone home with a man right after meeting him in the club...may have to try it sometime...LOL!

    JP

    Li
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Phil,
    As others have said the imagery was excellent!
    I was right there with you.

    I too, can't wait for the next chapter.
    What a Cliffhanger!

    BTW you might want to take a look at "The Encounter" which is similar , and a very cool, hot
    pic!!!


    Steve

    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      Ha. Niiiice..

    I think some places could use some editing. But overall this is actually pretty good. I liked how it rhymed yet didnt seem extremly forced.

    Message me for part 2.. Lol
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]


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