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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: angelic beingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: my pain
    ASL Info:    16/F/aust
    Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 191/123/39
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 870
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1533



    Description:
       ok i've done something different so it may not be good but i like this piece alot, its about a battle that happened 50 years ago between african americans and white americans, i'm sorry if i offend people in this piece feel free to leave comments


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsangelic beingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    an angelic being,
    a perfect creation,
    something bound to be...
    ...anything but pure.

    weeping, a golden child sees,
    the broken world,
    of an unbreakable heaven.

    trapped in a life,
    of a shattered mirror ,
    a nation rejected,
    smiling, rise together once more.

    the pretty clouds of hope and faith,
    cling to a trapped sorrow,
    never knowing,
    of the plight hiding deep within.

    proud heads held high,
    another step closer,
    the misty air shimmers,
    as a heart beat sings.

    screaming memories meet,
    a pain of defeat,
    drowning unbelieving eyes,
    in hate of the undestined fate.

    an army of lifeless soliders,
    walk their boundries of law,
    fighting a war already lost.

    echoing with pride are the voices who were forgotten,
    as a man walks forward with purity and grace,
    into the locked and bound world,
    he is the rejected nation, united as one.

    the golden child reaches out,
    tears flowing down her cheek,
    she reaches out to the man, the nation,
    and welcomes the rejected...
    into a broken world....a world of misery and grief.

    the mans voice etched with beauty,
    finds the words to forgive the pain and cruilty,
    hand in hand, the rejected and the broken,
    walk soundlessly, together recreating a world of peace.




    Submitted on 2006-02-11 02:50:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      I don't like the wording or the flow too much. I like the basic idea though, writing about something that happened so long ago but has changed the way you think
    I think that the poem over all is good but the way you have made the sentences is not too great... very powerful though
    if you fix those then this could be a favourite
    thanks for sharing
    keep it up
    john*
    | Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      

    Hi Pain!

    Truly speaking, the piece is perfectly crafted; I like (also becuase it traces back something historical). Perhaps, this touches the very racial dicscrimination in the US that produces the very inspiring black figures in world.

    Moreover, this is so poetic:

    trapped in a life,
    of a shattered mirror ,
    a nation rejected,
    smiling, rise together once more.

    the pretty clouds of hope and faith,
    cling to a trapped sorrow,
    never knowing,
    of the plight hiding deep within.

    This depicts what blacks really went through! It was so "Painful"

    Teboho.
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Teboho Mochaoa | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you have a good word composition, but you seem to have some trouble with the flow. The verses are made up unregular as well as the rhythm . I think this two things are very important, and you should work on theses.
    Furthermore there does come a feeling across to the reader but not a meaning or a specific actions. If you intendes that, it is very good.
    I also think that you have to work on your syllables. They are an important part of poems and help the lines to flow better. The sress ant tone is a total mix in this poem.
    However you made a good job describing a kind of conflict, although it is not always clear what for a sort of conflict you mean.
    | Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Yara Lorinda | [ Reply to This ]


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    90891

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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