Blood Breasted Dove (part 1) by Speacenik

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Submission Name: Blood Breasted Dove (part 1) dots

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Author:	Speacenik
ASL Info:	23/f/UK
Elite Ratio:	7.09 - 413/359/96
Words:	178

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	256
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1182

Description:
The patriots are the Irish freedom fighters, Wolfe Tone and Emmet, but especailly those of the Easter Rising, Monday, April 24, 1916, a force of Irishmen under arms estimated at between 1,000 and 1,500 men and women attempted to seize Dublin, with the ultimate intention of destroying British rule in Ireland and creating an entirely independent. Irish Republic to include all 32 counties of Leinster, Munster, Ulster and Connaught. Their leaders, Patrick Pearse, James Connolly and the others, knew that their chances of success were so slight as to be almost non-existent. Yet they fought, and died. Why?

FOR IRELAND.

There are four parts to this poem.

With immense help from Thomas Joseph Murray.

Special thanks to wisdom seeker for his immense help and for the extract

Special thanks to deepdreamer2008 for her advice on punctuation throughout these sections.

Blood Breasted Dove (part 1) dots

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And I say to my people's masters: Beware,
Beware of the thing that is coming, beware of the risen people,
Who shall take what ye would not give. Did ye think to conquer the people,
Or that Law is stronger than life and than men's desire to be free?

"The Rebel" Patrick Pearse

I

In their blindfolds the patriots came,
fifteen alike to Jesus
arisen from beyond the grave
to caution us to right.

But tell me, who were these others who followed,
slender figures, resurrect disciples,
who gave breath to our shrouded hills?

We asked them whom they served.
We were young men
still getting our last pints in
as the smoke billowed in suppressed air.

What could the world say
when we teens were as comfortable
cradling guns as footballs
(and thrilled by their ricochet).
When, instead of prayer,
we put our faith in bombs?

‘You, the Republic,’ the patriots said.
Yet, as they spoke,
our vales turned to cobalt.

Submitted on 2006-02-12 08:29:29 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hey Selina

I think this is very strong...and strong in the sense that it could be wonderful and lies not far off that.

Some observations.

In their blindfolds the patriots came,
alike to Jesuses
as from beyond the grave
to caution us to right.

Powerful beginning but it leaves me with a few questions...why blindfolds? "Jesuses" is that a word? I couldn't find it but it sounds like one awkward mofo.

I might rephrase that like this.

In their blindfolds the patriots came,
alike to Jesus
arisen from beyond the grave
to caution us to right.

But tell me, who were these others who followed,
slender figures in ragged robes,
resurrect disciples,
who fired through our mythical mist?
who gave breath to our shrouded hills?

This is great. I loved the scene that created...it intentionally reminds of the scene of Jesus bearing the cross.

We asked them whom they served.

If they were following the patriots then didn't they obviously serve the republic? I'd leave that part out since it seems to connect awkwardly with the next passage.

We were young men
still getting our last pints in
as the smoke billowed in subdued air.

I love this description...the beer culture and how the smoke represents the calm before the storm...I just wonder how well these scenes connect since a question is asked and left hanging for a while.

What could the world say
when teens were as comfortable
cradling guns as footballs
(and titillated to their ricochet).
When, instead of prayer,
we put our faith in bombs?

I don't think one thing can be titillated TO another...I think it has to be BY

This seems to contradict the last..."we were young men" and then here "when teens were"
I guess it goes to show the existence of different levels of awareness in a society with regard to things like patriotism...all I'm saying is that the connections and distinctions between the two could be looked at. I'll go into further detail if you don't understand where I'm coming from...Remember that I don't know Ireland like you do and your poems will go forth without descriptions.

‘You, the Republic,’ the patriots said.
Yet, as they spoke,
our vales turned to cobalt
and intense sun bled
across our mountains.

I like this...the answer comes...they serve the republic (although I think this was already obvious...the problem, if there is one, does not lie in this stanza.
I loved how as soon as they made this declaration the powder keg burst and I imagined a storm of gunfire (represented by the cobalt) and bloodshed which through the country into turmoil...it's greatstuff...since that liberation must come at a price.

Despite my niggles with this I think it's wonderful.

Use or lose.

DB
| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  I have read the earlier version of this poem and think that you have polished this extract beautifully. Yeat’s poem about the Easter Rising sets the scene perfectly,

I have passed with a nod of the head
Or polite meaningless words,
And thought before I had done
Of a mocking tale or a gibe
To please a companion
Around the fire at the club

Like Yeat’s you give an intense insight into the humanity of these youths who instead of playing football are cradling guns. In the beginning of his poem, Yeat’s does not write respectfully of these men but their execution by the English changes everything and ‘a terrible beauty is born’ they become Irish martyrs as you affirm ‘alike to Jesuses’, I love this phrase - each one a crucified Jesus who dies for others – in this case a free Ireland. Wisdom Seeker's inclusion of their Declaration makes for fascinating reading.

And of course their sacrifice did lead to an independent but not a united Ireland. It is for this Ireland that those who came after fought. I love the way you paint the Irish love for their culture and their sense of identity with their land

fired through our mythical mist?
who gave breath to our shrouded hills?
…
our vales turned to cobalt
and intense sun bled
across our mountains.

At the same time as Lost Sheep writes there is a sense of foreboding a pathetic fallacy in the nature of the land.

I look forward to the rest of this poem .
nessie
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow! (and this is only Part 1!)

The overall theme is underdeveloped, as it should be in part 1 of anything. I normally don't comment on incomplete postings, but you have no many incredible phrases here that I had to say something.

We were young men
still getting our last pints in
as the smoke billowed in subdued air.
This is so amazingly REAL. These guys aren't just historical names or numbers in a book. These are real flesh and blood, living people. They aren't supermen either, just normal, likeable guys like the rest of us, grabbing a bit of last minute beer.

What could the world say
when teens were as comfortable
cradling guns as footballs
(and titillated to their richochet).
When, instead of prayer,
we put our faith in bombs?
Again, this cuts to the bone. Many teens enjoy playing football (whichever kind you're talking about) and we've all seen young men comfortable with the game(s). Now we can see young men equally comfortable with guns, which hopefully most of us haven't experienced in real life. Though we haven't seen it ourselves, you've made it real to us. Football is part skill, part hard work, part hobby, part brotherhood and I suppose a host of things I'm missing. Similarly, these earlier men had the same things with their guns; skill, hard work, and most importantly brotherhood. Like the football players of today, they probably didn't completely think through their actions as they stormed off to battle. Perfect analogy.

‘You, the Republic,’ the patriots said.
Yet, as they spoke,
our vales turned to cobalt
and intense sun bled
across our mountains.
This just screams impending doom. I can feel "The Charge of the Light Brigade" all over this. It's almost like one of those pieces of movie music then makes you dread the next scene.

I'm looking forward to the rest.

Steve
| Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  I caught this when you had parts one and two posted together (but I see you've done some editing in the last few hours). I can understand the timeless sense of struggle inherent in this write (your Irish youth could just as easily be freedom fighters from any other part of the earth: Indonesians struggling against European dictators, Indians protesting the British Raj, Iraqis wrestling Sadam/the US/take your pick). It seems such a bitter irony that youth should pour their blood so freely into the land they love with a fervor once reserved for a football match (some of whom will die young, some of whose youth will die). Peace at the price of blood (as the crimson dove of your title suggests) seems to be sad inevitability of shrugging off tyranny. Too bad the tyrant has no conscience to match his righteous fervor. Nicly done. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  This is very very good.
The write was geared toward the realities of a people that will go to great lengths for Independents. Children are supposed to be playing games in the field but instead they carry arms and fight the fight along side their parents. The truth of the matter is that freedom and independence comes at a price that must be paid. Below I have pasted something for you and Hope you like it.

Poblacht na hEireann
The Provisional Government of the Irish Republic
"To the People of Ireland ..."

Irishmen and Irishwomen! In the name of God and of the dead generations from which she receives the old tradition of nationhood, Ireland, through us, summons her children to her flag, and strikes for her freedom …….
We declare the right of the people of Ireland to the ownership of Ireland, and to the unfettered control of Irish destinies, to be sovereign and indefeasible……In every generation the Irish people have asserted their right to National freedom and sovereignty; six times during the past three hundred years they have asserted it in arms. Standing on that fundamental right and again asserting it in arms in the face of the world, we hereby proclaim the Irish Republic as a Sovereign Independent Sate, and we pledge our lives and the lives of our comrades to the cause of its freedom, of its welfare, and of its exaltation among the nations ……
The Republic guarantees civil and religious liberty, equal rights and equal opportunities to all its citizens, and declares its resolve to pursue the happiness and prosperity of the whole nation and of all its parts, cherishing all the children of the nation equally, and oblivious of the differences carefully fostered by an alien government, which have divided a minority from the majority in the past ……

We place the cause of the Irish Republic under the protection of the Most High God, whose blessing we invoke upon our arms…… In this supreme hour the Irish nation must, by its valour and discipline, and by the readiness of its children, to sacrifice themselves for the common good, prove itself worthy of the august destiny to which it is called.

Signed on behalf of the Provisional Government

Thomas J Clarke
Sean MacDiarmada
Thomas MacDonagh
P H Pearse
Eamon Ceannt
James Connolly
Joseph Plunkett

Your write enpired me to find this little piece that I read over 20 yrs ago during my college days.

This was a great write from you.

Respect and Admiration

Clyde
| Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  I was attracted by the fourth part, which has just been posted, and although serial poetry is far from my taste, I couldn't help but read this. I think presentation could be improved if you put the extract and title in bold. Also, in stanza four, I believe you meant "ricochet".

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  this sets the scene well, introduces the uprising youth as just normal people driven to extremes by their need for freedom. they're so very ordenairy, football playing, beer drinking people, except now they're not enjoying life's simple pleasures but fighting, at great risk, for something greater. their normalcy makes their bravery all the more stunning.

i have one suggestion. to me "jesuses" as a word doesn't sound very good, not as good as the singular anyway. so i'd suggest changing the line to something such as:

In their blindfolds the patriots came,
1000 alike to Jesus
as from beyond the grave
to caution us to right.

but then 1000 doesn't sound right as this was reality and numbers in real life aren't that rounded. but something along those lines anyway.

oh and the quote is a fantastic way to introduce the whole piece.
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  wow. I've got chills, so it works for me. I'm a big history buff myself, but have not studied nearly enough on the struggles of the Irish. This reminds me of our own revolution. so many brave men who risked their lives for what? would their lives be considerably different under one government or another? but they fought and died for what they believed in. we all have a need for independence.

I have read some and watched many hollywood depictions of the IRA movement in the 60's and 70's and find it to be fascinating. now I will have to dig deeper.

What could the world say
when teens were as comfortable
cradling guns as footballs
(and titillated to their ricochet).
When, instead of prayer,
we put our faith in bombs?

you are a master of the time piece, the way you help the reader to relate, the way you put us in another time and place but in terms that could be here and now. this is very poignant.

I also love the epitaph. very fitting and a good lead-in to your take. it grabs our attention and you do a great job of keeping it. I can't find a word out of place.

I like the way you approached this and look forward to reading more. be back soon for another installment. have to leave for now, but not before reading this one more time.
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]

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