Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Joe & Jane on Valentine's Daydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 594
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 732



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJoe & Jane on Valentine's Daydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Jane Dough ran into Joseph Blowe at the counter of a coffee stop.

    The flames of their affair had gotten so low that the wax was just a shapeless hardened puddle.

    For a moment sparks jumped between their eyes only to flatten and become an open can of day old soda... still sweet, but no fizz.

    They will never name what it was they'd had or lost.
    It was all impersonal, ordinary with no unique identity.

    Joe bought a pink heart-shaped cookie.
    He took a big bite as he brushed by Jane and pushed through the door without speaking.

    He wonders if a Joe Blowe or Jane Dough can ever find love until they discover who they really are.




    Submitted on 2006-02-12 12:34:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a very interesting poem. I like the narrative style you have used here. I found myself wondering what was going to happen but then found that not much of anything did. The ending here is very good and a really strong message too. We must all learn to find ourselves and love ourselves for who we are before we can truly love another. Self discovery is so important in our lives and in order to really share with someone, you must be complete yourself. A very good and thought provoking poem. Happy Valentines Day! Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm.. I didnt like it at all.
    But its not because it was bad. It was good, and to the point. Like the too fast passing spring. But its because it s valentines day, and I just dumped my boyfriend. So, the whole Jane and Joe thing got kinda personal. I dont think I broke up with him because I dont know who I am, but rather that I am starting to realize who I am, and what I need.

    But it was a good poem! Well written with long nice lines, without making it tiredsome to read.
    It was just the message that kinda annoyed me. But hey. Valentines day always make me moody!
    | Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by ChrystalR | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting. The narrative style is great, it really drags the reader in, wondering what the hell will happen, and then, like a Seinfield episode, nothing does.

    Nice thought-provoking finish, it leaves one wondering more about the background of this whole sad satory.

    Very well done, I loved it!

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      That is awesome. I love everything about it.
    The long length of the lines adds to it, in my opinion, and the wording is great.
    I like how you used the names Joe and Jane to describe how they don't have much of an identity.
    Very creative.
    Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      heartbreak and loneliness are rather ignored topics during valentines day- people tend to feel they have to do something, even if the relationship is gone. i like how jane and joe are just normal and undescribed enough to be anyone- and they seem to fit everyone at one time or another. you write really well- i could really see the two character in my mind... well, i think i'll stop my rambling now...but i like it
    -Vas
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by hey.you | [ Reply to This ]
      I do like this because I think that too many people believe that love will grant them identity. I think that Joe is right. We must know ourselves before we can know or love another. Most of us project a picture onto someone that we meet and love that picture or a mirror and love our own reflections. I think Joe and Jane will possibly find love, but not until they learn what it is. Lynn
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure I can describe why I like this. I mean It's good, written well and has the kind of story that makes me think, which is why I like reading your work a lot.
    Personally, it reminds me of a Joe Blowe whom I turned down for marriage, and his response was "There is no such thing as love and you will never find true happiness" and I told him that was exactly why I wouldn't marry him. He had started taking everything for granted and somewhere along the line - passion got lost and I was just convenience...and he lost his fizz.

    Very nice Chrystine, sad - but too often reality
    Lisa
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the way you took us the reader through out each scene like a blow by blow of accounts. I felt your chose of words to creat imagery was on cue. I liked the easy flow of this, it gave me a chance to think as I read this. I was sad they did not hook up, but glad you advocated self love first in order to truly love. this was more of a realistic view of how love is between two people who do not know themselves or love themesleves. I think you did a fine job on this.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    91033

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry