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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Momentdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Candale-Switch
    ASL Info:    23/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    1.34 - 42/31/7
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 673
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 553



    Description:
       First Impression.

    anything you can help me at let me know plz. thanks.
    Candale-Switch


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMomentdots
    -------------------------------------------


    As a geyser erupts from core's heat
    So does my soul when our eyes meet
    As warm air develops to hot steam
    So does this reality from a dream

    As a flower yearns for the sun's show
    So do I bloom to see your face glow
    As the sun's light stretches the skies
    So is your smile bright to my eyes.

    As the stars in the sky all twinkle
    So are your colors like spring mingle
    As a beautiful sliver in the morning caught
    So has this moment burned into thought.




    Submitted on 2006-02-12 17:15:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I can't find anything i would change about this poem. it's beautiful, not over-done. Peaceful and romantic it flows nicely and is different from the other poem i commented on, but equal in quality. great write.
    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
      nicely done. i did really enjoy this poem. it spoke to my heart the immortal words of love once again. thanks for this wonderful piece of art. like pietro says it is a simple rhyme scheme but it is very lovely. you may like my latest submission "influx of desire" i am editing it right now. but either way edited or not i think that you would like, if this poem is any indication of your taste.
    ~john-paul
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      I perosnally loved it. The only thing that threw me was the last two lines. You really lose your flow here. You rhyme every other sentence through out your verses, but then end with this. I think it kind stops it, sorta. If you could find a way to finish it the way you started it, I think it would be an excellent poem. I don't mind the first person view, sometimes that makes a poem better, though 80 % of the people on here will disagree and tell you different. But it's all about how you feel when you write it and then how the reader feels when they read it. I loved it. Good job! Keep writing. Can't wait to see more from you.
    | Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by nicklacymatthew | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with the others that the first person takes away from the poem. but on the other hand i find that it would be hard to exress it in the same way without 1st person. It shows a profound appreciation for the person it is directed towards...so that speaks for itself, i find that usually even if there are small flaws like the first person thing.. powerful emotions can make it more enoyable, such is the case here. If you can find a way to take out the first person, but keep the emotions as strong as they are, it would be an better poem than it already is... thanks for sharing as always!
    EdgE
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Drayke | [ Reply to This ]
      Indeed, I think that knocking the first person would create a stronger poem. This is the criticism that I am looking for. Thanks, for letting be a part of the site.
    Candale-Switch.
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Candale-Switch | [ Reply to This ]
      Honestly, at first, I though this was really clichéd. The speaker's love is hot and like the sun; so what? But then I had to come back to it and read it again. I love the structure, the way the lines begin the same way from stanza to stanza. The simplicty of the statements, and the repetitions of the similes simply work.

    I agree with Pietro that dropping the first person might strengthen the poem. I had to try it myself:
    As a gyser erupts from core's heat
    So has his soul when their eyes meet
    As warm air to hot steam
    So has his reality from a dream

    Rereading it, though, I don't really understand the image in the first line, although it sounds nice. Mostly looks good though
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      there is fairly nothing wrong with this piece. its nice, simple rhyme scheme, and all mushy in the right places. the metaphors are quite cute. you might try to find some interesting ways to paint a picture, and explore different voices, or dropping the first person, thats always worth a try.

    welcome to the site.

    peace.

    -pietro
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
      i didn't understand the similie, warm air to steam, and reality to dream. I like the way u write and how u bring nature and its beauty to create a mood to ur work.
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by strike three | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a nice love poem. I must admit love poems are my favorite. I think you did a good job writing this one. I do have some suggestions for you. The last two lines need some work. The rhyme of the rest of the poem is strong and then the last two lines dont rhyme. I think if you could reword it a bit so that you keep the rhyme true it would make this piece stronger. Also, in this line "As warm air to hot steam", I didnt really understand that and I think if you added a word here it could help such as ' as warm air rises to hot steam' or something like that...perhaps develops into? Those are just a couple suggestions from me. Overall, I think this poem is lovely and very good. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this alot. It was beautiful and enjoyable. It was happy and im not used to happy because im used to dark and depressing poems. A good change. You should submit more so i can read them.
    ~Samm
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes indeed! A very good revision! You really did a nice job finding the right words to use here and I have nothing negative to say about this. This is truly a very sweet and lovely love poem. The imagery you have created really pulls the reader into the write and gives them a good sense of what is going on and the feelings that are involved. I am glad I could be of help to you. Very nice work with this. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


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