I can't find anything i would change about this poem. it's beautiful, not over-done. Peaceful and romantic it flows nicely and is different from the other poem i commented on, but equal in quality. great write.
nicely done. i did really enjoy this poem. it spoke to my heart the immortal words of love once again. thanks for this wonderful piece of art. like pietro says it is a simple rhyme scheme but it is very lovely. you may like my latest submission "influx of desire" i am editing it right now. but either way edited or not i think that you would like, if this poem is any indication of your taste. ~john-paul
I perosnally loved it. The only thing that threw me was the last two lines. You really lose your flow here. You rhyme every other sentence through out your verses, but then end with this. I think it kind stops it, sorta. If you could find a way to finish it the way you started it, I think it would be an excellent poem. I don't mind the first person view, sometimes that makes a poem better, though 80 % of the people on here will disagree and tell you different. But it's all about how you feel when you write it and then how the reader feels when they read it. I loved it. Good job! Keep writing. Can't wait to see more from you.
I agree with the others that the first person takes away from the poem. but on the other hand i find that it would be hard to exress it in the same way without 1st person. It shows a profound appreciation for the person it is directed towards...so that speaks for itself, i find that usually even if there are small flaws like the first person thing.. powerful emotions can make it more enoyable, such is the case here. If you can find a way to take out the first person, but keep the emotions as strong as they are, it would be an better poem than it already is... thanks for sharing as always! EdgE
Honestly, at first, I though this was really clichéd. The speaker's love is hot and like the sun; so what? But then I had to come back to it and read it again. I love the structure, the way the lines begin the same way from stanza to stanza. The simplicty of the statements, and the repetitions of the similes simply work.
I agree with Pietro that dropping the first person might strengthen the poem. I had to try it myself: As a gyser erupts from core's heat So has his soul when their eyes meet As warm air to hot steam So has his reality from a dream Rereading it, though, I don't really understand the image in the first line, although it sounds nice. Mostly looks good though
there is fairly nothing wrong with this piece. its nice, simple rhyme scheme, and all mushy in the right places. the metaphors are quite cute. you might try to find some interesting ways to paint a picture, and explore different voices, or dropping the first person, thats always worth a try.
This is a nice love poem. I must admit love poems are my favorite. I think you did a good job writing this one. I do have some suggestions for you. The last two lines need some work. The rhyme of the rest of the poem is strong and then the last two lines dont rhyme. I think if you could reword it a bit so that you keep the rhyme true it would make this piece stronger. Also, in this line "As warm air to hot steam", I didnt really understand that and I think if you added a word here it could help such as ' as warm air rises to hot steam' or something like that...perhaps develops into? Those are just a couple suggestions from me. Overall, I think this poem is lovely and very good. Take care.
Yes indeed! A very good revision! You really did a nice job finding the right words to use here and I have nothing negative to say about this. This is truly a very sweet and lovely love poem. The imagery you have created really pulls the reader into the write and gives them a good sense of what is going on and the feelings that are involved. I am glad I could be of help to you. Very nice work with this. Take care.