Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

out buying eggs


Author: ellisa
Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400 /415 /125
Words: 206
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1154
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1616



Description:


To dead, a jazzy cat, you can squeeze through you know...
Oh and 'puffed up' is not intended as an insult, just there to show how cold the world can be on a sunday morning, you understand!

ellisa


out buying eggs




Cut-out, cool city steps before,
And sculpted sea behind
It is as it always was.
Stone like solid water,
Damp pavements pooled with odd drops.
Fifteen-year-old oak barrel malted whiskey,
Dripped in cool dirty water.
Older than cloudy breath,
From those first blood-filled lungs.

And my lips are parting:
White pirouettes,
Smoke-seeming,
Still breaths left;
Sucked in by passing man-in-hat
Who should be walking-dog
Not Sunday-walking alone.

Breaking silent, static lanes;
A joy, like crushing sugar cubes.
Uncouth mix,
Sweet swirling
Breaths left between sucks.
The sex of solutions
Mixed on tongues.

Skips full of sticks:
Decent firewood, I’m thinking;
Onto the scent already.
Mixed memory bag;
Of burning the driest wood we found,
In spaces, cut-out clearings,
Where soil is shallow,
Thin roots spread fast.

A can tint-tintles
Past my feet,
To meet the motion
Of a parking car’s wheel.
Crushed by nerves less than steel,
Somewhere in there I give up
A resolution.

Mercury moves
Along gate-tops
Swung shut or quivering inwards
Open to a shifty, puffed-up cat.
Despite appearances,
And against his principles,
He could have pushed his body
through the bars.














Submitted on 2006-02-12 18:35:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Hiya,

First of all, I don't think the description is needed, except to note that if you know your reader will take "puffed-up" in a way you don't intend, then isn't that a sign you should change the wording?

If your intention is to show how unfeeling this place is on a Sunday morning, then how about taking out the first person and making it less personal? I would personally pick a female "main character" as there is already a "man-in-hat." This is a good example of how odd syntax and wording can aid the feeling and emphasis in a poem; well done! I also absolutely love the "Mercury moves// along gate-tops," by the way. Yeah... the more I read this, the more I like it... "tint-tintles" is just fantastic. But I would definitely give the third person a try
| Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



91081