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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: out buying eggsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 211
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1612



    Description:
       To dead, a jazzy cat, you can squeeze through you know...
    Oh and 'puffed up' is not intended as an insult, just there to show how cold the world can be on a sunday morning, you understand!

    ellisa


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsout buying eggsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Cut-out, cool city steps before,
    And sculpted sea behind
    It is as it always was.
    Stone like solid water,
    Damp pavements pooled with odd drops.
    Fifteen-year-old oak barrel malted whiskey,
    Dripped in cool dirty water.
    Older than cloudy breath,
    From those first blood-filled lungs.

    And my lips are parting:
    White pirouettes,
    Smoke-seeming,
    Still breaths left;
    Sucked in by passing man-in-hat
    Who should be walking-dog
    Not Sunday-walking alone.

    Breaking silent, static lanes;
    A joy, like crushing sugar cubes.
    Uncouth mix,
    Sweet swirling
    Breaths left between sucks.
    The sex of solutions
    Mixed on tongues.

    Skips full of sticks:
    Decent firewood, I’m thinking;
    Onto the scent already.
    Mixed memory bag;
    Of burning the driest wood we found,
    In spaces, cut-out clearings,
    Where soil is shallow,
    Thin roots spread fast.

    A can tint-tintles
    Past my feet,
    To meet the motion
    Of a parking car’s wheel.
    Crushed by nerves less than steel,
    Somewhere in there I give up
    A resolution.

    Mercury moves
    Along gate-tops
    Swung shut or quivering inwards
    Open to a shifty, puffed-up cat.
    Despite appearances,
    And against his principles,
    He could have pushed his body
    through the bars.














    Submitted on 2006-02-12 18:35:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hiya,

    First of all, I don't think the description is needed, except to note that if you know your reader will take "puffed-up" in a way you don't intend, then isn't that a sign you should change the wording?

    If your intention is to show how unfeeling this place is on a Sunday morning, then how about taking out the first person and making it less personal? I would personally pick a female "main character" as there is already a "man-in-hat." This is a good example of how odd syntax and wording can aid the feeling and emphasis in a poem; well done! I also absolutely love the "Mercury moves// along gate-tops," by the way. Yeah... the more I read this, the more I like it... "tint-tintles" is just fantastic. But I would definitely give the third person a try
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]



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