Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: out buying eggsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 958
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1612



    Description:
       To dead, a jazzy cat, you can squeeze through you know...
    Oh and 'puffed up' is not intended as an insult, just there to show how cold the world can be on a sunday morning, you understand!

    ellisa


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsout buying eggsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Cut-out, cool city steps before,
    And sculpted sea behind
    It is as it always was.
    Stone like solid water,
    Damp pavements pooled with odd drops.
    Fifteen-year-old oak barrel malted whiskey,
    Dripped in cool dirty water.
    Older than cloudy breath,
    From those first blood-filled lungs.

    And my lips are parting:
    White pirouettes,
    Smoke-seeming,
    Still breaths left;
    Sucked in by passing man-in-hat
    Who should be walking-dog
    Not Sunday-walking alone.

    Breaking silent, static lanes;
    A joy, like crushing sugar cubes.
    Uncouth mix,
    Sweet swirling
    Breaths left between sucks.
    The sex of solutions
    Mixed on tongues.

    Skips full of sticks:
    Decent firewood, Iím thinking;
    Onto the scent already.
    Mixed memory bag;
    Of burning the driest wood we found,
    In spaces, cut-out clearings,
    Where soil is shallow,
    Thin roots spread fast.

    A can tint-tintles
    Past my feet,
    To meet the motion
    Of a parking carís wheel.
    Crushed by nerves less than steel,
    Somewhere in there I give up
    A resolution.

    Mercury moves
    Along gate-tops
    Swung shut or quivering inwards
    Open to a shifty, puffed-up cat.
    Despite appearances,
    And against his principles,
    He could have pushed his body
    through the bars.














    Submitted on 2006-02-12 18:35:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hiya,

    First of all, I don't think the description is needed, except to note that if you know your reader will take "puffed-up" in a way you don't intend, then isn't that a sign you should change the wording?

    If your intention is to show how unfeeling this place is on a Sunday morning, then how about taking out the first person and making it less personal? I would personally pick a female "main character" as there is already a "man-in-hat." This is a good example of how odd syntax and wording can aid the feeling and emphasis in a poem; well done! I also absolutely love the "Mercury moves// along gate-tops," by the way. Yeah... the more I read this, the more I like it... "tint-tintles" is just fantastic. But I would definitely give the third person a try
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    91081

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry