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Cut-out, cool city steps before, And sculpted sea behind It is as it always was. Stone like solid water, Damp pavements pooled with odd drops. Fifteen-year-old oak barrel malted whiskey, Dripped in cool dirty water. Older than cloudy breath, From those first blood-filled lungs. And my lips are parting: White pirouettes, Smoke-seeming, Still breaths left; Sucked in by passing man-in-hat Who should be walking-dog Not Sunday-walking alone. Breaking silent, static lanes; A joy, like crushing sugar cubes. Uncouth mix, Sweet swirling Breaths left between sucks. The sex of solutions Mixed on tongues. Skips full of sticks: Decent firewood, I’m thinking; Onto the scent already. Mixed memory bag; Of burning the driest wood we found, In spaces, cut-out clearings, Where soil is shallow, Thin roots spread fast. A can tint-tintles Past my feet, To meet the motion Of a parking car’s wheel. Crushed by nerves less than steel, Somewhere in there I give up A resolution. Mercury moves Along gate-tops Swung shut or quivering inwards Open to a shifty, puffed-up cat. Despite appearances, And against his principles, He could have pushed his body through the bars. |
Hiya, First of all, I don't think the description is needed, except to note that if you know your reader will take "puffed-up" in a way you don't intend, then isn't that a sign you should change the wording? If your intention is to show how unfeeling this place is on a Sunday morning, then how about taking out the first person and making it less personal? I would personally pick a female "main character" as there is already a "man-in-hat." This is a good example of how odd syntax and wording can aid the feeling and emphasis in a poem; well done! I also absolutely love the "Mercury moves// along gate-tops," by the way. Yeah... the more I read this, the more I like it... "tint-tintles" is just fantastic. But I would definitely give the third person a try ![]() | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ] | |