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out buying eggs

Author: ellisa
Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400 /415 /125
Words: 206
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1195
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1616


To dead, a jazzy cat, you can squeeze through you know...
Oh and 'puffed up' is not intended as an insult, just there to show how cold the world can be on a sunday morning, you understand!


out buying eggs

Cut-out, cool city steps before,
And sculpted sea behind
It is as it always was.
Stone like solid water,
Damp pavements pooled with odd drops.
Fifteen-year-old oak barrel malted whiskey,
Dripped in cool dirty water.
Older than cloudy breath,
From those first blood-filled lungs.

And my lips are parting:
White pirouettes,
Still breaths left;
Sucked in by passing man-in-hat
Who should be walking-dog
Not Sunday-walking alone.

Breaking silent, static lanes;
A joy, like crushing sugar cubes.
Uncouth mix,
Sweet swirling
Breaths left between sucks.
The sex of solutions
Mixed on tongues.

Skips full of sticks:
Decent firewood, I’m thinking;
Onto the scent already.
Mixed memory bag;
Of burning the driest wood we found,
In spaces, cut-out clearings,
Where soil is shallow,
Thin roots spread fast.

A can tint-tintles
Past my feet,
To meet the motion
Of a parking car’s wheel.
Crushed by nerves less than steel,
Somewhere in there I give up
A resolution.

Mercury moves
Along gate-tops
Swung shut or quivering inwards
Open to a shifty, puffed-up cat.
Despite appearances,
And against his principles,
He could have pushed his body
through the bars.

Submitted on 2006-02-12 18:35:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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First of all, I don't think the description is needed, except to note that if you know your reader will take "puffed-up" in a way you don't intend, then isn't that a sign you should change the wording?

If your intention is to show how unfeeling this place is on a Sunday morning, then how about taking out the first person and making it less personal? I would personally pick a female "main character" as there is already a "man-in-hat." This is a good example of how odd syntax and wording can aid the feeling and emphasis in a poem; well done! I also absolutely love the "Mercury moves// along gate-tops," by the way. Yeah... the more I read this, the more I like it... "tint-tintles" is just fantastic. But I would definitely give the third person a try
| Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]

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