Description: I have not posted in a very very long time, and my comeback post is not as great as i would like it to be but whatever. This is just something I typed up quickly tonight thinking about current situations and everything that i have going on. Its not spectacular and its kinda plain jane but I wanted to get it out, so like it if you want.
Cold Like Rain -------------------------------------------
here alone
drowning in the mess ive created
and each tear thats fallen
for all the pain ive caused
in myself
and in those that should never feel
this very same pain
it falls like rain
soaks like rain
its cold like rain
here alone
stuggling with choices made
unsure, uncertain and afraid
of the outcome
the consequences
and the sudden rush of pain
it falls like rain
soaks like rain
its cold like rain
here alone
praying for the sun to come
impatienly awaiting its return
when will i ever learn
what will ever ease the pain
it falls like rain
soaks like rain
...cold like rain
I loved this. I read it last night but did not have time to comment, so now I will. The wording here moved me, it is so subtle and strong. Excellent poem, it has quickly become a favorite among Elite posts.
Well I think you have something here. You seemed to be able to keep with the layout you set up all the way. The lines "It falls like rain, soaks like rain, It's cold like rain." Is a very good catchy set of lines to complete each stanza. The last line could have been more uniform, having them all say "Cold like rain" , leaving out the it's. It's your poem however, and no one should know the wording of any peice better then it's writer. You only need to make the changes you see fit. Well, best of luck to you!
I don't think many of your words need improvement. You've created a strong, sad mood from the opening beat. Two typoes need to be fixed "stuggling" and "impatienly". The rest of this is personal taste.
You might want to take a look at your choice of grammar styles. You've chosen no capitalization and no punctuation, which works if your consistent with it, but usually it implies a kind of catatonic, monotone reading. Your words have more drama than that. Normal capitalization and apostrophes will make it easier to read, as well. FWIW, "I've" is an english word, LOL.
I would play with your line breaks and stanza breaks. I'm a believer that you want to force the reader to pause, where YOU want them to pause and your best tools for that are line and stanza breaks.
Depending on how you choose to break the line you may want to drop some of the leading conjunctions. My personal tastes find that "ands" and "fors" undermine the power of your more important words.
Here's an idea, your mileage may vary.
Here alone Drowning in the mess I've created Each tear that's fallen All the pain I've caused in myself and in those that should never feel this very same pain
It falls like rain Soaks like rain It's cold like rain
Here alone Struggling with choices made Unsure Uncertain Afraid of the outcome The consequences The sudden rush of pain
It falls like rain Soaks like rain It's cold like rain
Here alone Praying for the sun to come Impatiently awaiting its return When will I ever learn? What will ever ease the pain?
I think it would be loads better if you used punctuation.
Like you said in your description, it is plain, but it does get a simple point across.
Anyway my thoughts on reading this were angst ridden. The voice that wants to be heard, but is struggling to find a way to be heard, facing the world alone.
I think your own description of this piece summed it all up the most succinctly. This is good, but it definitely has the potential to be a lot more than it is. It definitely has a feel that you haven't put a lot of time into it - something that can be relatively easily remedied.
On the poem itself, I would say that there are a couple of things that you can do to improve things in leaps and bounds. The first thing would be to go through and fix every time you've typed out "ive." That is most definitely not English, and it actually detracts from any possible message that you might want to give to the reader through the poem. You need to consistently go through the poem and make sure that you have capitalized every "I," as well eliminating the contractions. In this specific instance, I think that will help a lot.
I liked the repetition that you put into this. It achieved a minor level of imagery, much like the sound of the rain pattering to the ground. When you revise this, I would strongly suggest going back through and trying to emphasize the imagery that you've already put in. There's a lot that you can do to expand what you've already got with that, and I have a feeling that that will go a long way towards improving the content.
This one is based on your own opinions, but you may want to consider looking and punctuation and capitalization. I think that you need to make sure you're consistant with whatever you choose to do. The capitalization or lack thereof can be used to emphasize some of the moods, so that's why that part is your choice. However, on punctuation, I think you need to decide what you're going to do and stick with it. I don't think that it quite works well with the piece to have that one little ellipses at the end of the last stanza, when you haven't used any other punctuation anywhere else in the poem.
All in all, I would say you've got a good foundation. I like your choice of topic - I'm more of a rainy day person myself, and the mood definitely fits the weather in the poem. Now, I would just love to see you expanding on what you have to create something on a grander level. Good luck!
Submission Name: Cold Like Rain
