Ask a Dream What? by AptPupilofLife2

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Submission Name: Ask a Dream What? dots

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Author:	AptPupilofLife2
ASL Info:	18/M/Berkeley,CA
Elite Ratio:	6.82 - 112/129/47
Words:	127

Class/Type:	Poetry/Romance
Total Views:	189
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	864

Description:
She told me she's an open book. I could ask anything. But I couldn't ask anything at all.

Ask a Dream What? dots

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What can I ask you?
How does one question a dream?
Everything I've known
doesn't feel real as this seems.

How do you ask a Dream
where it used to live,
before it stole your stare,
and all you can give?

In a field of pink flowers
and clear blue skies
will you run on earth
or rise with butterflies?

And once in there Air,
where would you go?
"There's Europe and Asia . . ."
You'd see them all, I know.

When I'm down
will you jump out "Boo!"
and then tickle me 'til
I tickle you too?

I suppose what I'll ask
isn't what you'll do,
well not really- I mean,
may I come with you?

Submitted on 2006-02-13 02:48:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I am going to disagree with EVERYONE who previously commented. And not just to be different this time, I promise!

This poem is so beautifully captivating I fell in love with it the first time I read it and have read it five more times since. It catches my breath at the same point everytime,

'How do you ask a Dream
where it used to live,
before it stole your stare,
and all you can give?'

and it builds from there. This piece totally screams to me of all of the expectations we build around love, that made up creation of out perfect man/woman we create in out minds. They day when you least expect it, someone appears in your life who finally lives up to your too high expectations of what your perfect partner should be, and all you can do is stand there in awe. Like you want to pinch yourself, but you're afraid that if it is a dream, you'll wake and it will be over.
Wierd deja vu. I just had that convo with somebody.
Anyway, I hope I caught the right feeling in this poem. If not I'll feel really dumb for rambling off the topic for so long. In either case, please let me know.

Ciao,
~Angie.
| Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by faln_angl | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi,

I was going to cop out and start by mentioning all sorts of nitpickery, but a quick scan of the other comments tells me that others have already pointed out most of the things that caught my eye.

As for the poem itself, I'm not really sure what you're trying to accomplish here... I think you have a good start, but it's definitely not "there" yet. I like the sentiment, but most of that sentiment I got from reading your description---which you should take out, by the way, if you want to know what someone just reading the poem gets out of it. I like the way you refer to your love interest as a dream; it has great potential, if you can get it to work. Currently, you don't really put the reader in the middle of the situation at hand, though... the imagery is lacking and/or trite, and the imposed rhyme scheme comes off as unnatural.

Oooh, what if, just thought of this!, what if you completely rewrote it, but from the point of view of being in a dream? There are lots of ways you could approach it from there. Just a thought.

Good luck,
--
| Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
  I love your description, it is true. When you feel that a person is pushing you away and you ask them not to close themselves to you, to be open, to allow you to know them, they respond what is it you want to know and you are left blank. This has happened to me many times before. My favorite stanza was:

How do you ask a Dream
where it used to live,
before it stole your stare,
and all you can give?

I do have to say that the poem was a bit confusing. I don' t know if you meant it to be that way. I enjoyed your poem and the overall theme but after the second stanza you kind of lost me. You have the potential for a great piece all it needs is a bit of tweaking.
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
  I have to agree with JoKing. There are spelling errors that need editing. Some of the rhyming seems forced as in the line, When I'm down will you jump out,"Boo!", and then tickle me till I tickle you too? Is the dream a metaphor? Also, try writing without the "I". Anyway I did enjoy the read,, I hope the critique helps.
Ms. Gifted
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Ms. Gifted | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey,
I like the whimsical nature of your poem, sometimes I think we all get so bogged down in serious, intense poetry, we forget to let our hair sometimes and write something sweet.
Although, I think that you could probably tidy up some lines here and there (and the 'there' has already been said, so I won't mention it again). For example:

What can I ask you? [do you really need 'you' ? Might be better as 'what can I ask?']
How does one question a dream?
Everything I've known [Maybe: 'Everything I think I know...' ]
doesn't feel [as] real[,] as this seems.

I think if you go through the poem again, you'll see what I mean by phrasing and words. Thanks for the read, hope this helps.

JoKing.
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]
  I think it's cute. It had a really good flow, and good wording, for the most part. There were a few weirdnesses to it. Like the word "boo" seemed out of place... like it was only there for the sake of rhyming. It seemed somewhat odd to me. There were mostly good, well written stanzas. I think that you started with a very good idea. It could have been a little longer I think, however, it looked as though you lost touch with it as the poem progressed. Good job overall. I really do think it's cute.
(^_^) Peace!

Forever,
Lilithe
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Lilithe_Aislin | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh, geez. This is so dumb. Delete my first comment and this comment, pleez. This has never happened to me before. Puddlwinks.
-HaldirLives
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
  Are you talking about an imaginary love interest? That's what it seems like. Especially with the last line, it seems to say that you want to escape wherever you're at. I agree with Seele, that line could do without an 'and'. Otherwise, great job.
-HaldirLives
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
  Woops! Meant 'last line' not 'second line'. Dunno know how that happened. Kind of weird, really. If you're wondering why I'm still talking/typing, it's because I have to meet a certain word limit in order to post this stupid thing.
-HaldirLives
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
  'And once in there Air'. Do you mean 'the' air, or did you get your there/theirs mixed up. If so it's supposed to be 'their'.

'and then tickle me 'til'. I'm not a fan of starting lines with 'and' to be honest. You don't really need it in that line anyway, because it has the word 'there' in it. I think it could sound better without the 'and'.

The first verse didn't seem to flow as well as the other verses. I think some of the lines may be a little too long.

Despite my suggestions taking up most of my feedback, don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed it. A well written piece.

| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]
  I have to say this poem wasn't very clear. I saw your intention but you just didn't pull it off. Your a little over the place with the imagery and structure, perhaps if you would have started off about the physical plane and then moved on with saying how you were lifted up with this dream girl to the heavens. A little editing will help this poem out a lot. I think you did a good job, because at least you tried.
| Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by beautifuldream | [ Reply to This ]

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