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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In the Morningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 560
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 635



    Description:
       Just trying to put some of my feelings on paper... release some tensions... I tried not to use rhyme but it sinks in there someway or another so yeah


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn the Morningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When I woke up last week,
    The first thought in my mind was you
    Your smile and that look in your eyes,
    The reason why I lived.

    When I woke up yesterday,
    I didn't think of you
    It didn't matter anymore,
    and perfectly fine I was.

    When I woke up today,
    I realized I was finally free
    No more memories holding me back,
    finally woke up with a smile.

    When I wake up tomorow,
    I won't know what to do
    It has been so long since I have been free,
    that I will probably again think of you.





    Submitted on 2006-02-13 05:58:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I read this piece a few times. I happen to like it how it is. For one, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a poem in first person. Poetry doesn't have to be "universal", on the contrary, it is a very personal way to write. Anyway, now that that is said, I also like the ending of the poem. I think it could possibly stand to be worded a little differently, but I like the foresight in it. I really like the transition between the girl being "the reason why I lived" and being completely fine with her being out of your life. I understand the ending very well, because I find old relationships pop into my mind often. I think of my first love quite often, and wonder how he is, what could have been. I am in a new relationship, quite happy, with two children, but that doesn't change anything. He was a huge part of my life for so long, it is perfectly natrual. Anyway, that is why I don't feel this piece is contradicting at all. One other thing, though. I do agree with the person who suggested rewording the line "perfectly fine I was", only because you don't word any of the other lines in that mannor.

    Well done.
    | Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by ebflannery | [ Reply to This ]
      You use repetition quite cleverly in this poem. that in part makes it sound like the lyrics to a song. However, I think the subversion of 'and perfectly fine I was' is disrupting. I think just go with 'and I was perfectly fine'.

    I like the idea that the persona will think of her tomorrow but is that idea of worrying about her in the 'now' necessary given that you don't think of her. I think this would be so much stronger without that last stanza. Note the way I can't stop writing 'think'!
    love and peace
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem gives me a feeling of contradiction. In the third stanza you wrote that you were free of the thoughts of her, then at the end you said she was back in your thoughts. You need to write in either second or third person, instead of first person. Try to write without "I". It will make the poem more universal as poetry should be. I liked the way you used the past, present, and future throughout the stanzas.
    Ms. Gifted
    | Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Ms. Gifted | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow what a BOLD piece...One can only rejoice after receiving your liberation back. Only then do we start to realize that we are independent beings who somehow need the love...Yeah this is an incredible piece...what I would refer to as a milestone...VERY INSPIRING since I too had to come to terms with a similar encounter, at first it was real hard, but by God's grace Im now insync...The last verse was really phenomenal, it cemented the entire write..THANK U4 SHARING!Be happy Nobantu
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by Nobantu | [ Reply to This ]


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