The New World Order part 1 by darkness

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Submission Name: The New World Order part 1 dots

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Author:	darkness
ASL Info:	19/F/my own world
Elite Ratio:	1.84 - 524/218/40
Words:	72

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	251
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	525

Description:
This ones kinda scattered...

The New World Order part 1 dots

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This new world order.
Is so bizzare!

so crazy, unbelievable...
so crazy, its believable!!!

Lucifer has revived
his followers, from ancient
in groups, they stand

As the wolves can plan
the the devil can plot

Truth influences the mind
toned down to a cry
The view you look at it
makes all the difference.

The opresser fears the opressed,
the one who stands tall....

Submitted on 2006-02-13 15:17:56 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  There's a few spellig errors, and I agree with bjt, you should use some more adjectives and bigger words to make it stand out some more.
| Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by Two Meters Away | [ Reply to This ]
  I would recommend a greater variety of words. What you have now is a bit repetitive, and the diction is weak. Poke around in a thesaurus and find some words that punch you in the gut.
| Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by bjt | [ Reply to This ]
  You have an interesting idea here that is dependent on repetition but it needs polishing. I would cut 'but God is the best of plotters and planners' because it doesn't add anything and the line seems over long.
take care
nessie
| Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, the though behind this poem is serious, but the thought put into the poetry itself was, I believe, minimal. To me, it didn't flow in parts. It was like... Rigid? Some parts were smooth, but then others were really rough. There were some spots that were repetitive, too. Not the good kind, either.
Where it says:
As the wolves can plan
As the devil can plot
As the wolves & the devil
can plot and plan togather,
the third line is basically a repeat of the previous two and the implied fact that they will work together since Lucifer is revived. Plus, 'together' is spelled incorrectly.

What is good, though, is the thought behind the words. Like I said before, it has meaning, which is really good. A lot of poems have no, well, I would say 'heart', but this poem is too dark for that word? Well, whatever the word is, it has it.

If there was anything this poem needed fixed, it is the flow. Put commas in better places, fix a few lines (Like some lines can be combined, then shortened to flow better), and some more descriptive words.
Something else you might consider: A slight rhyme scheme. Rhyming can sometimes give a poem an... Aura. Your poem gives off a feeling of darkness, yet an aura is missing. Give it life. An evil life, yes, but still a life.

Btw, thank you for the comment on The History of the Ninja Penguin. Ninjas do pwn. I am glad you liked it.
| Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Sephiroth | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem made me think about how the world is changing, who has been changing it, and who is changing it. "Truth influences the mind..." How true is that? There are people out there who think that they can play GOD and make all the choices, but they do not realize that it is not their choice to make. It is all up to Allah, the one and only. Nobody andnothing can change that.

< Unperfect 3
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by UnPerfect | [ Reply to This ]

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