Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Birds In My Stomach


Author: playcrackthesky
ASL Info:    21/f/IA
Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463 /457 /88
Words: 101
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1494
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 727



Description:




Birds In My Stomach



I know your walk.

A Shy yet confident stride,
With your left shoulder
Hunched lower than the other.

You dip your head low.

Standing by me,
Your familiar smile says hi
We don't even have to talk.

You laugh.

One that is all your own,
Stirring up something
Much bigger than butterflies.

You warm my skin.

Tender touches to my hair,
My burning cheeks,
My yearning arms.

You stand there.

Towering above my glances,
Catching my veins
Offguard and on fire.

And you can still say,
I mean nothing to you.




Submitted on 2006-02-13 19:24:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Wow! I gotta say the ending here isnt what I was expecting and it really must suck to be in this kind of a situation. You obviously love this guy or at least have a huge gigantic crush on this person and for them not to even care about you is really just cold. I guess if I think back to when I was younger (god I sound old now) I can remember someone that I felt this way about but this person didnt even know me. I never introduced myself or anything, I just admired him, and now that I look back on it I should have just approached him. I think we tend to take life too serious sometimes and in the process we miss out on exciting opportunity. The worst that could have happened was he would have looked at me like I had two heads or something but at least I would have taken the chance right? But this poem puzzles me as I am assuming you know this person fairly well and it makes me wonder why you mean nothing? Perhaps you mean nothing more than friendship? Anyway, a very good poem. I like surprise endings! Even if they arent happy ones. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  This was very well written. I like the detail that you put in the piece. There is good flow. I can definately relate to the piece. I've been on both sides. A few months ago I was reading the newspaper, and came across the Wedding and Engagement Announcements. There was the girl I felt so strongly was perfect for me, but only saw me as a friend. I hadn't seen her in over a year but my heart still sunk. Your piece just reminded me of her, thanks :( lol. I guess I'll have to write about it.
Sorry for the sob story :)
Nice write,
Nicely
| Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
  Bloody hell, this is really great, Steph! Very different, describing so nicely the things we take for granted about people, as in their stance, the sound of their laugh, etc. fabulous stuff.

Yep, I wasn't expecting the ending, rather I would have expected a confession that YOU were kidding yourself that they meant nothing, but the other way around is a real twist...how can they affect you so much if they don't care at all? a good question.

Fabulous work, I am really impressed with this poem, well done.

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  this is really sad. but i can totally understand and feel the emotion put into this piece. and that makes it strong if you can convey your message with your writing.

i agree with the above noter, i love how you fill the reader in about this person. it doesnt just tell you how you still love this person but it SHOWS you WHY and WHAT you still love about this person. it definitely makes the peice more personable.

...this is going on my fav. list! :-)
<3
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
  Girl, the ending threw me off big time. Wow! It seems that you are still in love or something with this person and they still effect you in all the same way. I liked the way you gave the readers insight on this young man, his walk, laugh, the way he touch you and how he made you feel. All great details. It sucks when the guy don't get it, and you are the only one in love. Very nice poem you did a nice job with this one Steph.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  This was well written. Good flow and good combination of both your feelings and describing the scene. It's a pity though he's not into you. It was nice to read,
thanks for sharing

DZ
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this one. At first it seems like two lovers and then at the end it was surprising that he says you mean nothing to him.
My favorite line was
"Towering above my glances,
Catching my veins
Offguard and on fire"
It had great imagery with it.
You can imagine a tall boy standing next to a shorter girl and there is anticipation between them.
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by chemberdan | [ Reply to This ]
  I've felt this, too. Like... how can you be so entwined that you communicate w/o speech but not see how important that connection is. stupid boys.
It reminds me so much of my best friend in high school who I love to this day. He was tall and beautiful and bitter toward women like you wouldn't believe.

this is the part that gets me... (I see several other people thought so too) :
"Towering above my glances,
Catching my veins
Offguard and on fire.

And you can still say,
I mean nothing to you"


I like how you tie up the end there. very cool.
Also I like that you say its something much bigger than butterflies and use the title to tell us exactly what it is he stirs up. again, very cool.
It reminds me so much of my best friend in high school who I love to this day. He was tall and beautiful and bitter toward women like you wouldn't believe.
I wish you the best
Jessica
| Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



91223