You are life... by diamonds_2

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Submission Name: You are life... dots

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Author:	diamonds_2_dust
ASL Info:	15/m/Eugene Oregon
Elite Ratio:	3.47 - 105/161/35
Words:	118

Class/Type:	Poetry/Being a Teen
Total Views:	230
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	850

Description:
Yes... another piece for Ashley....... please tell me when they become overbearing...

You are life... dots

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The campfire is falling asleep
but the fire in your eyes growing
then we run off down the beach
never even knowing
where we'll end up
we dont really care
just keep running
until we're there

Lost by ourselves
no real destination
just sugar-highs
and motivation

Just 2 stupid teens
lost in love
just drinking it in
cant get enough

Then comes the sun rise
but it's nothing compared
to the light in your eyes
and the way they flared

You wake slowly
your heart-beat steady
it's time to leave
but we'd never be ready
Please, just one more night
to hold you close in tight
you are my all
you are life...

Submitted on 2006-02-13 19:42:11 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This was really sweet, but the flow wasn't really there for me. I'll be more specific.

The campfire is falling asleep
but the fire in your eyes growing
then we run off down the beach
never even knowing
where we'll end up *this doesn't seem necessary to me...*
we dont really care
just keep running
until we're there

Lost by ourselves
no real destination
just sugar-highs
and motivation
*something other than sugar highs... like, umm... ?:(*

Just 2 stupid teens
lost in love
just drinking it in
cant get enough * I like this*

Then comes the sun rise
but it's nothing compared
to the light in your eyes
and the way they flared * the last line doesn't seem like it should be there. You should have left it "...your eyes"

You wake slowly
your heart-beat steady
it's time to leave
but we'd never be ready
Please, just one more night
to hold you close in tight
you are my all
you are life...
*I understand al the way up to we'd never be ready, but you kinda lost me at Please. I like the last line though...*

So to sum it all up, there were few unnecessary lines. Please excuse my horrendous spelling.
Hope I was of help,
Torie
| Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by lebeauvide | [ Reply to This ]
  OK ok... Not really one of my favorites that you write but you cant please them all....I just dont feel your emotions in this poem and your rhyming seems forced But not alot of time...Keep it up writitng....ttyl
RandiKae
| Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by RandiKae | [ Reply to This ]
  this is actually very touching...as corny as that sounds. lol. i love the personification in your first line,

"The campfire is falling asleep"

great way to SHOW not TELL.
i love how it just shows the carefree side of two kids in love. how nothing really seems to matter but the other person. it shows how much you care for this person. which makes it really nice when the reader is able to FEEL what the author is feeling.
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
  This is again a beautiful poem reflecting your loss. Nobody but you will know when, if ever, you will stop writing for Ashley. In the meantime, keep it up. She has become your muse, and a wonderful one at that. Looks like she's still watching over you, helping you along.
I especially loved the lines:

'Lost by ourselves
no real destination
just sugar-highs
and motivation
Just 2 stupid teens
lost in love
just drinking it in
cant get enough'

These two stanzas really do tell all...none of us know how much time we will have, but have fun and live life to the fullest while we can.

Ciao,
~Angie
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by faln_angl | [ Reply to This ]
  oh wait. I just realized the poem's about a girl. sry. so... change the "he"s to "she"s... and the "his" to "her"... but good job nonetheless anyway
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Fantasma | [ Reply to This ]
  certain parts of this are good.. but rhyming "compared" with "flared" was kinda lame. Especially since you say that the eyes flared. Doesn't make sense, because it sounds like he is angry. Talking about the fire in his eyes is kind of cliché. But I write sappy emo poems, so whatever.
This line makes no sense. It sounds nice syllabically, but contextually it's jarring: "to hold you close in tight" do you mean... AND tight? because otherwise it makes no sense
| Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Fantasma | [ Reply to This ]

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