Description: What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?
Just a Thought -------------------------------------------
Dont stare to long.
You might see right through me.
Look upon cold, feeling black to the touch.
Dont listen to close.
You might hear what I say.
As the liar sweater unravels.
As the naked truth appears.
Sure as the sun will rise and set.
Sure as day turns to night.
I will lie to you if you let me.
Honestly I will.
i have to start here at the end of this piece.
i have this thing about boys being liars. i even have a singlet top that says BOYS LIE and most girls agree.
but the idea that lies and honesty can be so closely linked messes with my head something chronic. because... sometimes... sometimes lies are defence mechanisms. i mean... if your girl asks you if her top makes her look fat youre prolly not gonna wanna say yes... so youll lie, even though it doesnt seem like a very bog one, to preserve your sanity and her self esteem.
honestly i'll lie to you if you let me...
no one wants to be lied to and yet sometimes they allow it without even knowing which also puts a spin on this piece.
i guess you are trying to say that you are hiding your real self and feelings and thoughts and everything because of the fear that someone will discover you and turn against you perhaps. that is a real fear and something most ppl battle with to some degree.
i wrote something along the same lines once and i was trying to say that their perception of me and my perception of me were quite possibly completely different in that i can only see the bad in me whereas most others cannot see that for some reason or other.
it takes a great element of trust to be able let someone through the lies (or the sweater) to see the real you.
i definately think losing some of the periods in this piece would enhance it.
you put periods half way through ideas which is kind of distracting in some ways.
I love this poem, the first line just took my breath away...you sound like a guy that is bitter from the world but despite his aquired wisdom still has a glimmer of hope for happiness and maybe even love. And the tones in your poems reflect that...what else did I want to say? Oh yeah...kinda reminds me of a song that would be on the weezer Blue Album or maybe even a grungier nirvana kinda thing. either way it was groovy.