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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To The Valentine Of Yesterday!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: irvine_valentin
    Elite Ratio:    3.1 - 43/74/15
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 916
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 508



    Description:
       OK originally 'An Ode To The Valentine Of Yesterday' but I couldn't fit it all in.
    I wrote it last night (13th) and it's my first EVER rhyming poem! So go easy with me. It's focused to an individual that I'm thankful I'm not with this Valentines!
    Oh and I know a few lines don't rhyme as such just think of it as...creative liscence.
    Oh and the 'her' at the end isn't anyone in particular just again think 'creative liscence' or even Luke couldn't think of different two lines!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo The Valentine Of Yesterday!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    You made me walk
    You made me cry
    I couldn't talk
    I wonder why

    Your hatred stare
    I grew to know
    I needed care
    But you said 'no'!

    You lead me on
    'Round every bend
    My broken heart
    I cannot mend

    I saw the light
    As clear as day
    Put up a fight
    You ran away

    Far from you now
    And from that mess
    I'm with her now
    And at my best




    Submitted on 2006-02-14 03:30:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Along with the catchy rhyme, to me, this is describing what is known as the 'ha ha' syndrome...lol.

    Seriously though, I must say that you've painted a pretty clear picture of being trampled on, mistreated, the whole broken thing...then you bring hope (and the ha'ha's of course) to the end where you reveal your new life, a new day, far from what the other had put you through.

    Great job, I look forward to reading more of your work.


    Sorrel
    | Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello,

    Your rhyming pattern is nice; it is consistent throughout the entire write. what I look for in those is first they need to rhyme (obviously haha) completely and second they need to fit into the context. There are more things of course, like uneven verses that i leave for those who think they have the monopoly on what poetry is, I'll leave it to them to fight over those things. Rhyming completely and making sense are my two main things I look for. There is a little liberal use here of “I” but if you like that then by all means keep it. As far as the meaning of it I see the end of one relationship and a move to the next. you have hurt in st1, I see some bitterness in st2, loss in st3, the epiphany in st4, and the resolve in st5. the part that has “your hatred stare” is a little odd for me to read, I would put “heated stare” or “hateful stare” or perhaps “your stare of hate” I think the second one would be the best. If you are comfortable with how it is then don’t mind me. Nicely done and take care,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is not a bad write
    There is no such thing as a bad write
    Poetry is an expression of our innermost feelings and who are we to judge what and how someone else feels
    I enjoyed this write
    You took the theme of valentimnes day and put a twist on it
    I enjoyed this
    Great Write
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      a poem can only break the rules it creates for itself- your rhythm covers up any changes in rhyme. Rather sad, though, for valentines day- where people usually cover up any bad or lost feelings.
    -Vas
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by hey.you | [ Reply to This ]
      this isn't bad at all. the rhyming is a bit too predictable but since it's your first attempt, we'll give you a break. you got your message across and it's a very effective poem. a nice touch for V-day.
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hahahah! This is funny, well it's sad, but funny. I think I may be a bit bitter.

    So yeah, I can see you are totally glad to be out of the clutches of someone who you onced cherished, or something like that.
    And the "her" remark, very nice addition.

    ~KimbreRain
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really bittersweet. Is this a true story? Anyway, I loved this a lot and please don't stop posting your poems, I love them! Nice new pic by the way ;)

    I liked the irony and bitterness in this poem depths. It was really good.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      WOO! Rid of someone "unworthy" on this, the day of love. The rhyming isn't bad. i agree that it is a bit predictiable but not too atrocious! one suggestion i would make is to change "Your _hatred_stare" too something like "your scathing/loathsome stare" cause for some reason, hatred doesn't seem to work for me but i could just be overlooking something.
    Anyway, good write overall and if this story is true, which it seems to be judging by your comments, then congrats! better to be rid of a hurtful relationship and left with bitterly tinged memories than spending V-day with a B****! ;)
    SASHA LYNN
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      nice love verry nice
    this was cute i dont really think that was the right word but oh well it was nice i enjoyed it ok then my love iv gotta go to work much love

    xoxo
    that girl
    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by sweet sorenity | [ Reply to This ]
      A beautiful poem and kudos on it rhyming! (i have the hardest time with that) i enjoyed reading this because you've done a great job in channeling your emotions into words so the rest of us can get how you feel.
    thanks for sharing with us!

    ummm... i'm not sure what else i want to say... other than, i love you!

    -jess
    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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