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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blood Breasted Dove (part 2)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Speacenik
    ASL Info:    23/f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    7.09 - 413/359/96
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 247
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 806



    Description:
       I'm wondering if the start appears too vague. The use of the archaic 'O' is deliberate since it is a convention in Patriotic poetry.

    Special thanks to deepdreamer2008 for her advice on punctuation throughout these sections.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlood Breasted Dove (part 2)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    And in this fierce, proud land,
    you were carried
    on the shoulders of the people
    as you wished to be;
    in that consummate mood
    you could never have faltered.

    So when did you notice
    our lakes were freezing?
    When the girls stopped sending roses
    or when the dead lay scattered
    with Loyalist red wounds.

    ‘Does death
    decay handsome features?'
    we asked,
    and in questioning
    we put barbed wires
    to their ardent lies.

    But modified to mock
    our slumbering justice,
    the RUC marked
    our troubled city.

    They scrutinised, like spies,
    each move we made,
    we could hear their raven voices.

    Thus, we enlisted.




    Submitted on 2006-02-14 05:56:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      Me again:P

    Though I have yet to read the rest of the series this seems like a huge leap, where we went from the beginnings of confrontation to an aftermath of unease and the festering of wounds where the lament is that they should heal and close.
    It's a big leap.


    O my Ireland, close flesh of our lament
    which of our dispossessed
    did not bask in your hurt?

    This confused me. I think you're trying to say that you want healing, that though the knife of revolution was vital and revolution itself was a glorious hurt for a country, it's time to heal.

    If that's your intent then it might be achieved in this way...

    O my Ireland, open flesh of our lament,
    which of our dispossessed
    did not bask in your hurt?

    Though my punctuation may be off I think that says that the country/nation bore the wounds of a lament that was heard and acted upon.

    And in this land so in love with itself
    you were carried
    on the shoulders of the people
    as you wished to be;
    in that consummate mood
    you could never have faltered.

    I get the picture here but rather than sounding patriotic it sounds conceited to me, at least in the beginning. You might achieve the desired tone by saying...

    And in this fierce, proud land...

    I could be missing the point. But I think you want to show the ideal of a republic as being separate from the people/land... or perhaps not separate...just that it comes at such a cost.

    I like this passage.

    So when did you notice
    our lakes were freezing?
    When the girls stopped sending roses
    or when the dead lay scattered
    with wounds
    lucid
    as our tricolour.

    I'd delete "so" it sounds casual and gives it a snide sort of feel that seems out of tone with the rest of the piece.

    ‘Does death
    decay handsome features?'
    we asked,
    and in questioning
    we put barbed wires
    to their ardent lies.

    I think you're saying that the cost of fighting for the cause was not commensurate with the prize.

    But all modified to mock
    our slumbering justice,
    the RUC marked
    our troubled city.

    "But all" seems awkward here...I'd ditch "all" nice stanza otherwise.

    They scrutinised, like spies,
    each move we made,
    we could hear their raven, stalking voices.

    Thus, we enlisted.

    The penny is dropping...I like these last passages...I think they poem's about wanting to heal and build a new Ireland but finding the ground won has been squandered by bureaucracy so that the ideal is lost and must be fought for again.

    Very interesting and compelling piece...but harder for me to piece together than the first poem. A couple more reads and I'll probably fly through it...it's certainly in my veins.

    DB
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      There is an angel of despair in the manner you describe the sadness and pride of Ireland; as if the soil of a homeland craved worship and broke the hearts of those same worshippers (which, I'm certain, is exactly the grievance you bear against the disrespectful rulers of the nation). When the powerful look upon themselves a class above those they were entrusted to rule, religious and class warfare are inevitable. There is a monumental sadness in a raven hovering over this write; death awaiting death. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so nuanced on the one hand there is the sense that the people are truly dispossessed and yet at the same time the bask seems to signify a relaxing, delighting in as if laying out in the sun. You really are a word craftsman or is this Tom? Keats should have had such a disciple.

    O for a draught of vintage that hath been
    Cool'd a long age in the deep-delvèd earth,
    Tasting of Flora and the country green,

    While the O is archaic it suits the poem and the tone is very soft and melancholy, due in part to the 'l' alliteration. Yet there is also a criticism ‘And in this land so in love with itself’ This second stanza seems to paint these young patriots taking pleasure in the adoration of the people carried high on the shoulders of the people – seeming firm and unwavering in their resolve but blind to the true needs and suffering of the people

    So when did you notice
    our lakes were freezing?
    When the girls stopped sending roses
    or when the dead lay scattered
    with wounds
    lucid
    as our tricolour.

    What a fascinating and bitter question.

    Does death
    decay handsome features?

    And barbed wire to ardent lies is such a painful image of disillusionment with a cause. At the same time there is a definite grievance represented by the Royal Ulster Constabulary scarring the city. One can imagine their heavy handed brutal handling of the Catholic youth and the name Royal Ulster Constabulary denying their pretence of impartiality and even-handed justice. The image of the raven, is doom laden – carriers of death and their stalking voices.

    Despite of the suffering of the people and the earlier critical lines of these patriots being self-satisfied, there is an implied tragedy in.

    Thus, we submitted.

    This is a sensational second part to a wonderful poem.
    Lol
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      The O works well with the poem.
    This cries for an answer to why were we betrayed.
    Betrayed by politics.
    The question was how could they forget what was lost and the reason why it was lost.
    The scene you paint with your words are very good.

    While named as the Irish Free States they were never recognized as independent from the British Rule. Six counties constituting Northern Ireland receive dominion status identical with that of Canada.

    Do you see what your writing brings out in me.

    There is a sadness the emits from your writing. It gives me a feel of all was lost before total independance could be recognizes.

    I don't just see Easter Rising here in this poem.
    I see the dreams lost as the people became devided.

    I have a Habit of reading more into a write than is actually there.

    I will stop rambling now and let you be.

    Outstanding write

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      Selina, I think this one is hauntingly beautiful. I read this one out with an Irish accent (at least I tried to lol) and it came out to how I thought it should sound... there's something about the lilting Irish Brogue that seems like poetry to me... but I digress.

    In regards to your description, I don't think the start is too vague at all... it seems like a perfect intro to me. As does the usage of 'O' - nothing wrong with that as long as it's not overdone, ya know?

    I think I read the first 'Blood-Breasted Dove' and this one to me is far more resonant and mournful... so it connects a lot better in terms of your diction and the emotion aroused.

    One tiny nitpick - in your second strophe you have 'and' used twice - not that that is bad, but I think it detracts from the message slightly. I think that you wanted something to connect it smoothly, right? I personally think a semi-colon after 'be' and deleting 'and' after would sound smoother... try it on for size and tell me what you think -
    'And in this land so in love with itself
    you were carried
    on the shoulders of the people
    as you wished to be;
    in that consummate mood
    you could never have faltered.'
    - any better? I think it's always good to tighten things up and make it more concise and effective.

    Fourth strophe - a comma after 'asked' perhaps? I know there's an 'and' afterwards which would make the comma technically improper, but that's where the natural pause is, you know? Just something else to consider.

    All in all, very minor nitpicks for a subject that seems very close to your heart. You're really an Irish girl at heart, aren't you?

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      This part talks of pain and nostalgia more than determination, like the last. Though the double-spacing after the first stanza was probably intended, I think it would be better to just leave a single space. In stanza four, you seem to have forgotten to close the quotation marks. " 'Does death decay handsome features?' ".

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like stanza 3 in this one

    "So when did you notice
    our lakes were freezing?
    When the girls stopped sending roses
    or when the dead lay scattered
    with wounds
    lucid
    as our tricolour."

    it brilliantly twists the poem around from the celebration of the second stanza. I also like how the lack of a question mark at the end makes the second part read rhetorical, giving it a voice both bitter and sad.

    two nitpicks, maybe a couple of commas here:
    "And in this land, so in love with itself,"
    and a line-break here:
    "we could hear their raven,
    stalking voices."
    but it's up to you.
    | Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]



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