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    dots Submission Name: the journeydots

    Author: wasif
    ASL Info:    18/m/Delhi
    Elite Ratio:    3.21 - 47/42/16
    Words: 201
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 779
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1323

       this piece of poetry was written taken by the fact of the present scenario where people are unable to follow the right path and hence take the untrodden path thereby fall into an abyss of doom and even challange the almighty- but result is the ultimate truth-God.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe journeydots

    Part I: Prophecy

    There I was;
    Cold as a rotten fish,
    Hypnotic of my selfish deed,
    I did, call upon the illuminated night,
    To take the care of my divine self,
    For I wanted the wings of a bird,
    Soar to a limit alien to me,
    Do the unforgetful to man,
    And lie at His Footstool.

    And, now here I am;
    Free from the world that brought pain,
    Have broken those soulful chains,
    Have allied myself to the Prophecy-
    Which all together conspired against Me.
    -And as someone says,
    Under the sodden Earth Today I lay.

    Part II: To Hell

    Under the sodden Earth,
    May lay a flesh,
    Which in course of memory.
    Find something- find himself.
    The veins that held crimson,
    No longer alive,
    I say so for the blood still gushes..
    Into the broken skull.
    A night of darkness-
    Aloofness of my senses
    Then speak;
    Is it immortality or just me?;
    This question may have
    An answer nil,
    For you may have survived still,
    But he who lays-
    No mere immortal,
    But the corpse of the mud-
    That today belongs to its Creator;
    To Hell it Seems.

    Submitted on 2006-02-14 11:21:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Very impressive, I like the idea of this piece, with the two parts working very well.

    I'd challenge a few of your word choices though (like "cold as a rotten fish") but this has all the backbone of an excellent religious piece.

    Well done

    be happy

    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a good piece. Raw feelings all the way through it.
    I like the imaginary & the discriptions. They were different & original.

    It made you think.
    Always a good thing. It really made you question where you're going after death. What happens. For those who arn't Christians, I think that this could be an even more powerful piece.
    Well done.
    I think that perhaps you could go back & read it, possibly take out a few words where they clutter the lines too much.
    Nice job though, I enjoyed it.

    Again, Welcome to the site. I really hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
    take care
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting an very deep write
    I for one welcome death when I will again see
    The Lord but I am not rushing it
    You wrote this very well but I would resubmit this not in html
    Great Write
    God Bless
    Your Friend Ron

    And may I be the first to Welcome you to Elite Skills
    I hope this site brings you all the happiness it has brought me
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      What made this piece interesting was probably it's ambiguity. Your imagery was clear, but the main message was rather vague. Not that that's a disadvantage, I found it gave the poem esteem. If I were to give advice, I'd suggest you capitolised the title ("The Journey") and revised the commas. Many seem misplaced. Part I, line 4, line 10. Also, in Part II, line 3, "Which in course of memory". I have no idea what you mean by that because I'd expect there to be a completion.

    In all, an intruiging poem of religion.

    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      sure i'll comment on your work. all you had to do was ask. ha ha. thanks for commenting on my piece death. i really do appretiate it. i like this piece alot and i truly hope to read more by you soon.
    love tina
    | Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]

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