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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: She Remembereddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: magickandie
    Elite Ratio:    4.34 - 190/168/37
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 195
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1347



    Description:
       Another attempt at something new. It seems a bit long to me. I am hoping for some ideas as to improve this piece.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShe Remembereddots
    -------------------------------------------


    She stands alone
    In thier secret place.
    Looking out to the dark horizon,
    With tears streaming down her face.
    She turns her ears to the wind,
    In hope to hear his deep, rich voice.
    Suddenly,
    She feels him
    Wrap himself around her,
    In a warm, familiar embrace.
    With his hand,
    He moves her hair to the side.
    Gently he kisses her shoulder,
    Nuzzles her neck,
    Puts his lips to her ear.
    He utters but a single word,
    "Remember"
    Instantly she is flooded with memories.
    She remembers the laughter they shared,
    The firey passions that scorched them,
    The friendship that bonded them.
    She remembered thier fights,
    The tears and the deeper understanding after.
    Most of all she remembered thier Love.
    Then he whispered,
    "Feel"
    All at once,
    She felt
    His pain and sorrow,
    His fustration and guilt,
    His freedom and peace.
    Each of his emotions
    Laced with his undying love.
    With that she awaoke,
    Safe in her bed.
    Remembering that today
    She buried her One True Love.
    Still his words rang in her heart and mind,
    "My Beloved Irene, we shall carry our Love to the end of time."




    Submitted on 2006-02-14 19:32:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This one is totaly different from the other one It is long, and I think you could leave out some parts, but you don't need to. I noticed one or more typos by the way 'awaoke'. You should reread it, 'cause i'm not good at picking them out. It was not really a poem if you ask me. It was more a kind of prose with poem-characteristics.
    I think the end is very surprising, i could not have guessed that he had died..
    Darth
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      whoa. you caught me way off guard with those last lines. tragic.

    you're right. this was long, so i would suggest maybe breaking it up into a few stanzas? somewhere around "remember" and "feel" and then again when you realize she's waking up and he's dead. so about 4 stanzas. also, there are some typos (eg. the spelling of their and awake).

    other than that it was great. content was great, i liked it. the structure just needs some work.

    Danielle
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Kalidoscopeeyes | [ Reply to This ]



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