Description: This piece is meant to articulate the rift that has been wedged between the have's and the have-nots in today's society, and the way they view each other.
Just a side note:
I know the rhyme scheme will seem spotty, but if you take further notice, the rhyme is meant to highlight certian subjects within the poem.
Dream From the Bottom -------------------------------------------
The addictive pacifier
The maternity prom dress
Whose users and wearers
Await more or less
To confess who they are
And pray for who they aren’t
Keeping warm with an oil drum’s fire
To stay alive in the filth and mire
A bridge is a home
For the holidays
And the beaten down
Converge in subways
Yet here we are
Fearful and stale
Alone together
In the realm of success
Where jobs and houses
And cars for paychecks
Come and go like birds in the winter
Where underneath it all
Is the stench of poverty
Inside those who comprise it
Reek the shallow graves
Of remorse
From on high in our SUV’s
We cast our gaze down
At a fetid unworthy sea
Of ones too poor to drown
With their eyes full of empty
And faces full of pale
Not even as human
As the murderers in jail
All with no purpose
Or so it would seem
For the dream’s not forgotten…
I must admit the middle of the poem kind of put me off, but the ending brought the whole poem to a wonderful conclusion. Honestly, an outstanding ending. I cannot figure what you meant by the rhyme is supposed to highlight subjects within the poem, unless you mean the rhythm suits the content. "ones too poor to drown", I really admire your imagery.
This is a craftily written piece. You have indeed captured – quite successfully - the helplessness of the unprivileged.
It’s certainly moving at times and it also sounds as if you were on the verge of going berserk …. Possibly you have since you seem to be so inclined to highlight certain matter in the poem.
Additionally, I felt as if you were trying to slate the government for the lack of opportunities offered for those who are down and out. At the same some of your remarks seem to be directed to criticize the ringing - never changing quality of the issue under discussion. All this reminds of a piece I wrote a couple of months ago in which I brought up similar matters called “Infatuated acts”
In the second stanza there are undertones or slightly scathing remarks against the routine lives we lead. I totally agree on that one as well.
The imagery in this piece is exceedingly piercing yet effective. All this leads me to believe that you feel somehow frustrated taking into account that you may not be able to change the current situation.
As for critiques, I’d like to see some punctuation … and take a look at this line:
“Come and go like birds in the winter”
It might sound better if you cut it into two
“Come and go like birds in the unkind winter”
Just a suggestion, your call.
All in all, I’d say you’ve definitely showed that you have something to say ….
Submission Name: Dream From the Bottom
