[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Dream From the Bottomdots

    Author: giventofly
    ASL Info:    19/M/Seattle, Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 74/75/27
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Political
    Total Views: 1008
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1135

       This piece is meant to articulate the rift that has been wedged between the have's and the have-nots in today's society, and the way they view each other.

    Just a side note:
    I know the rhyme scheme will seem spotty, but if you take further notice, the rhyme is meant to highlight certian subjects within the poem.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDream From the Bottomdots

    The addictive pacifier
    The maternity prom dress
    Whose users and wearers
    Await more or less
    To confess who they are
    And pray for who they aren’t
    Keeping warm with an oil drum’s fire
    To stay alive in the filth and mire
    A bridge is a home
    For the holidays
    And the beaten down
    Converge in subways

    Yet here we are
    Fearful and stale
    Alone together
    In the realm of success
    Where jobs and houses
    And cars for paychecks
    Come and go like birds in the winter
    Where underneath it all
    Is the stench of poverty
    Inside those who comprise it
    Reek the shallow graves
    Of remorse

    From on high in our SUV’s
    We cast our gaze down
    At a fetid unworthy sea
    Of ones too poor to drown
    With their eyes full of empty
    And faces full of pale
    Not even as human
    As the murderers in jail
    All with no purpose
    Or so it would seem
    For the dream’s not forgotten…

    Here’s to those who still dream.

    Submitted on 2006-02-15 00:07:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I must admit the middle of the poem kind of put me off, but the ending brought the whole poem to a wonderful conclusion. Honestly, an outstanding ending. I cannot figure what you meant by the rhyme is supposed to highlight subjects within the poem, unless you mean the rhythm suits the content. "ones too poor to drown", I really admire your imagery.

    A poem that demands respect,

    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a craftily written piece. You have indeed captured – quite successfully - the helplessness of the unprivileged.

    It’s certainly moving at times and it also sounds as if you were on the verge of going berserk …. Possibly you have since you seem to be so inclined to highlight certain matter in the poem.

    Additionally, I felt as if you were trying to slate the government for the lack of opportunities offered for those who are down and out. At the same some of your remarks seem to be directed to criticize the ringing - never changing quality of the issue under discussion. All this reminds of a piece I wrote a couple of months ago in which I brought up similar matters called “Infatuated acts”

    In the second stanza there are undertones
    or slightly scathing remarks against the routine lives we lead. I totally agree on that one as well.

    The imagery in this piece is exceedingly piercing yet effective. All this leads me to believe that you feel somehow frustrated taking into account that you may not be able to change the current situation.

    As for critiques, I’d like to see some punctuation … and take a look at this line:

    “Come and go like birds in the winter”

    It might sound better if you cut it into two

    “Come and go like birds
    in the unkind winter”

    Just a suggestion, your call.

    All in all, I’d say you’ve definitely showed that you have something to say ….

    Great write,

    Keep posting,

    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]