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    dots Submission Name: Breaking Waves & Blesseddots

    Author: FrankBlissett
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 206/191/66
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 727
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1118

       Here are two poems - "Breaking Waves" and "Blessed". The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBreaking Waves & Blesseddots

    Breaking Waves

    Excited heads hanging over a dock,
    Watching the reflections of seagulls.

    Urgent days and helpless nights,
    Future ephemeral as firefly lights.

    Moonlight desire and Oceanside lust,
    Seaking pleasure but finding trust.

    A familiar beach, an oldies station,
    And wonderful memories.

    Together in the cottage looking at family photos,
    Contented heads hanging over life.


    To embrace eternity alone
    And fall into the icy ocean
    After far too long awake
    Is the sole gift we can hope for.

    The curse of love is regret
    And the understanding that
    We shall end up alone
    Before the day is o'er.

    Submitted on 2006-02-15 10:12:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ok, I'll take them one at a time.

    Breaking Waves:
    This has a nice albeit slightly overdone theme to it. The idea of writing about the stages if life is definitely nothing new. And, quite frankly, I don't think you brought anything new to the table. If you are going to write on a topic that is as clichéd as this one, you really need to struggle hard to find a unique angle. There just isn't one here. I didn't feel it.

    This one is MUCH better than "Breaking Waves." In just two stanzas, you really captured a slice of life. While an "icy ocean" as a metaphor for death or fate would usually be a little clichéd, it actually works here quite well. The poem justifies it and there is no such thing as a cliché if it's justified. I usually also almost always hate the word "love" in poems, but once again, it seems justified here. Great imagery.

    To answer your question, "Blessed," obviously, leaves the biggest impression on me.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by hightreason | [ Reply to This ]
      Definitely going with "Blessed."

    Now for the rambling.

    For both of these, I like what you're trying to say/do, but I'm not sure how well it works. I really like the structure of the first one, and the first two stanzas work well for me, but after that, the examples are .... empty. As for the second poem, I like it more because it's more ironic. It's deeper and less hackneyed. The first stanza is excellent; don't change it. The second stanza... the first line, "The curse of love is regret" is a little too straightforward for me, but eh. I also don't like the reference to "regret"---if you want to keep it ironic, then try to stick with the concept that ending up alone is a good and "blessed" event.

    Oh, and the title of the first one is Awesome, especially as the different stages of life relate to the title both literally and metaphorically.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the image you portray in the first poem.. relating stages in your life to memories of the ocean. i imagine you had a pleasant childhood. and it passes by so quickly. the third line in the third stanza stood out to me. i guess that would be the stage im in right now.
    it ends well in the last stanza as you are togather with your wife in your golden years.
    the second poem required abit more thought and seemed to have less emotion. perhaps i just couldnt catch the meaning in the first stanza.. perhaps something to do with death?
    the second stanza was a bit more clear to me. what came to mind was that old saying "tis better to have loved and lost..." anyhow, thanx for sharing. later.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]

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