Treasured crimson diamonds
hang loosely from her wrist
today she smiled solely
and died alone.
The pieces of her heart
shattered, her soprano attacker
sang violently with a dagger
shrieking each vein of sin.
Her breath stopped
and he started to cry
suppose now its his turn to die.
He dragged himself to the roof
the sight started his laugh
a candle lit dinner
and a card to finish last
"l'll love you forever,
til death do us part,
Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart."
He let the card drop
40 stories to tell
he chased shortly after
I'll see you in hell.
Wow! That's really good! Really powerful. I understand he committed suicide after he read her note... Am I understanding it right to say that the crimson diamonds are drops of blood? She was a cutter and killed herself over something to do with him? B/c sopranos are usually women or very young boys, and she's alone... The only line I really don't get is "shrieking each vein of sin." It just seems like a different word would say more of what you mean, but that's just me. This is really good! Keep it up!
absolutely grat .. a good way to tell us that stoy and i guess you found the best words in the perfect sentences in this writing .. well take care and peace.. well and hy arent you online these days?' i miss u .. peace and much love! Victor!
I love it! I wouldn't want any other kind of valentine! You write it like we're all thinking it! Okay, that may not be so, but I really did like it. You're showing the side of love that no one wants to notice. The psycho/crazy/angry parts. I think this an anti-valentines piece, and I like it even more because of it!
Really amazing piece of work here! Kept me going right to the end. You do an excellent job telling this story in such a few words. I might drop one of two unnecessary words like 'and' here or there, but that's up to you.
I love it! Absolutely briliant! At first i wasn't quite sure if i liked it because a few words seemed jumbled and thrown togethr, but from the middle on, i loved it! I love the wording you used and everything, the last line just sealed it...i don't know what to say in way of criticism except possibly read over the first part...thats my only suggestion. Awesome write!
What a Bloody Valentine write this was. I'm glad to see that I wasn't the only one writing about break up and cheating yesterday. The opening lines had me thinking that we had another cutter, but the "saprano attacker" works as the other woman. I'm not sure I would have gotton all of the subtext without the description though. jan
Oooooh! Well, isnt this the furthest thing from valentines romance hee hee! I enjoyed reading this one. I think it is very well written and expressed and you paint a very grim picture with your words. Very effective. Unfortunately this kind of thing happens all the time in real life and it is such shame. People dont value each other the way they should. I always say, if your going to cheat then just leave the person you are with first. No need to hurt someone more than you have too and risk a dangerous situation when they find out what you have done. Anyway, I like this poem. I like how you tied in the title with the card and then him following the card and them both going to hell. Really good idea developed into a good poem. Take care.