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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shadow Perceptiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: melancholymaid
    ASL Info:    24/female/Tennessee
    Elite Ratio:    3.64 - 112/136/34
    Words: 30
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 841
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 179



    Description:
       I am hoping to post a few poems in a local literary journal. I wanted a bit of feedback on the ones I hope to post for the journal, so I decided to post on elite. Please give some good feedback as well as title proposals. I need another title.
    melancholymaid


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShadow Perceptiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    The air was soft and languid.
    I sat within the shadow
    the house cast upon the burnt grass.
    Birds sang
    and I felt
    Freedom's tragic pang.




    Submitted on 2006-02-15 13:25:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmmm...pang. That word just seems kinda forced. Maybe change this??? "A bird's song sung" then switch the last line to "Freedom has begun"

    Kinda makes it a little more happyish and I am not sure if thats what you want, but just my thoughts. I think the title is quite fitting either way. Good luck and thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the imagery here. Let's the reader see through your eyes.
    I think it needs some tweeking at the end as well. Needs more substance to be effective.
    I think the title is fitting. After all, it is your work and I believe you should go with your feelings in a matter like this.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Man in Black | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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