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    dots Submission Name: Shadow Perceptiondots

    Author: melancholymaid
    ASL Info:    24/female/Tennessee
    Elite Ratio:    3.64 - 112/136/34
    Words: 30
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 903
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 179

       I am hoping to post a few poems in a local literary journal. I wanted a bit of feedback on the ones I hope to post for the journal, so I decided to post on elite. Please give some good feedback as well as title proposals. I need another title.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShadow Perceptiondots

    The air was soft and languid.
    I sat within the shadow
    the house cast upon the burnt grass.
    Birds sang
    and I felt
    Freedom's tragic pang.

    Submitted on 2006-02-15 13:25:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmmm...pang. That word just seems kinda forced. Maybe change this??? "A bird's song sung" then switch the last line to "Freedom has begun"

    Kinda makes it a little more happyish and I am not sure if thats what you want, but just my thoughts. I think the title is quite fitting either way. Good luck and thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the imagery here. Let's the reader see through your eyes.
    I think it needs some tweeking at the end as well. Needs more substance to be effective.
    I think the title is fitting. After all, it is your work and I believe you should go with your feelings in a matter like this.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Man in Black | [ Reply to This ]

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