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    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: melancholymaid
    ASL Info:    24/female/Tennessee
    Elite Ratio:    3.64 - 112/136/34
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 710
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 335

       Mostly I just want any thoughts on this one. As I said in my other post, I'm just looking for things to post in a local literary journal and need ideas.
    I also need a title for this one.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Oh to be born in the house of dusk,
    Away from the others and their separate dust.

    To tell lies and live in a full drum,
    Pretend to be hung.

    Stuck in a mosiac of human rust,
    Different shades of trifling lust.

    She takes her turn and stabs
    the growing life effigy.

    Submitted on 2006-02-15 13:29:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I think the last two lines might need a bit of tweaking. The rest of the piece has a rhyme scheme to it and those last two dont fit with it. Also, the fourth line seems awkward as it is much shorter and has fewer syllables to it as the one before it and the others as well. Sorry, cant really think of a title. Thanks for sharing though.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      How about "Attention for Depression" or "Depression for Attention" for a tiltle. Not saying that the person wants attention, but saying that the person is depressed about the current state of her life. Any attention is good attention. It's nice to know people know you're alive. It helps the everyday tribulations go down smoother.

    Nice flow early on, kinda got lost in the last two lines a bit.
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Man in Black | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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