Sunday
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Description:
piece of another poem, wanted to know if you feel this works on its own? thanks
ellisa
ellisa
Sunday
Mercury moves Along gate-tops Swung shut or quivering inwards Open to a shifty, puffed-up cat. Despite appearances, And against his principles, He could have pushed his body through the bars. |
Submitted on 2006-02-15 14:18:48 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| I enjoyed the flow of the words. I said them and they seemed to go together perfectly. I didn't really see the meaning in the first stanza, but I am ignorant. Maybe you can enlighten me. but I did really like the last stanza, I believe it was very creatively put. Thank you for letting me read it Jinx | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Jinxed | [ Reply to This ] | Actually really liked the first verse, made me feel like a cat in the night, walking the fences! i love that sort of imagery and visual content, though maybe I would have liked more! | Did find i was left wanting a bit, reckon you could get another verse or two in there to make it fuller somehow, it seemed to me like the start of a narrative that was abruptly cut off. nice visual read though...cheers...x | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by the insomniac | [ Reply to This ] | Hmm. It's simple and nice and there's a quite flow throughout it. Really cute image to write about too. | However, I honestly didn't get any real meaning from it. It stood as a nice little descriptive piece. There's nothing wrong with that though, it was just my thoughts. :) | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ] | this was very image inducing to me. i like it, made me think of someone who is trapped and slipping away but can't. nice word use and word flow, it was brilliant. but i agree with Jinxed, i dont see the meaning in the first stanze, it throws me off of the second stanza. and even on the second stanza, i still dont know what to think. haha, great write. | ~Zach~ | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ] | Nice, short, simple, good imagery. | The first stanza does not flow very well for me.... something between the second and third lines breaks a little. As for the second stanza,I can't certifiably say that I know what your point is, what it is you're trying to get at... but it's certainly intriguing. Good luck-- | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ] | This is very powerful, and I'm glad i was able to read it. There is something definitely amiss with the third line in the first stanza, though. Maybe just take it out and replace it with something else entirely. It doesn't seem to fit. I do really love the first two lines of the first stanza, and the 4th I'm iffy about the wording on. | The second stanza, as has been said, is brilliant. With a little more planned set-up from the first, setup it could be even more powerful. | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by hightreason | [ Reply to This ] | I'm under the odd impression that a cat is precariously balanced on the top of a gate he could just as easily have slithered through if he'd remained on the ground (which might explain the slightly unsettled imagery of an unlocked opening 'shivering inward'). As a stand alone write, it reminds me of E.E. Cummings and seems to convey exactly what you intended (unless I've missed what you intended). Take care of yourself. Bill. | | Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ] | |
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