One Good Risk Deserves Another by nolram

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Submission Name: One Good Risk Deserves Another dots

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Author:	nolram
Elite Ratio:	3.66 - 41/46/19
Words:	160

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	157
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	944

Description:
I left home on an impulse. Now I am 400 miles away and writing about it. Pretty much on an impulse.

One Good Risk Deserves Another dots

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In a strange new land
all is odd
and unbroken
with everything going as planned
the unexpected wall
is unwelcome
reluctant body and mind
continue to fight a tired but hungry soul
which knows no walls but runs face first into a barrier of fear relentlessly blockading the path to salvation thanks to an ungrateful mind unwilling to share it self with the wisdom and purity that we find in time
But like HIV the smallest fear can become a disease
A wall of AIDS telling me to balance myself this way and that
preventing us from being free
A wall built on the root of all evil
A barrier of fear
An obstacle to love
oh brother it's so real, let's be vulnerable and take some risks.
each risk is a triumph
and I pray for the day when I truly understand that in this short life, one good risk desrves another

Submitted on 2006-02-15 21:03:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Wow. 400 miles? That's something many of us only dream about doing. The poem had a lack of focus, but then again I'm sure the situation had little focus as well. Nicely done.

{Kate}
| Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not sure you are saying you are taking risk because you have aids, or was using it as a comparison. I too moved thousands of miles from home and stared a new life. Actually, I keep moving every few years. lol. I think your need for change and courage came through this poem as you desired it to. Your flow was pitchy, but that can be fixed easily. But the heart behind your words, touched me very much. Maybe because I can relate to them about taking chances. It's nice to do things on a whim. Very impowering and carefree. I liked this alot.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  same as the last to is pretty much just what i want to say/express

but i must say that it is cool, and stuff and yadayadayad this is just filler cuz basically you know what i said it was awesome have fun
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
  Like Maggie said, i can't figure out which one of the reasons made you move. It was a good write though. I would love to move some where new. I didn't like the differences in the size of lines. You could divide each of the long lines into two shorter ones. The poem was good and had a lot of feeling. Enjoyed reading this unique write...
thanks for sharing
john*
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem felt very...crowded to me. I think a lot of the lines need to be cleaned up...shortened up and made more concise.

There is also an over-use of the word "wall"...there are so many other ways to convey the same meaning..."encumbrance", "impediment", "hindrance", etc...try to be a bit more creative and find new ways to express the image in varying forms throughout the piece.

Try to edit this not only for better flow but to clarify and organize this so that it has a beginning, a middle, a climax and an ending. Right now it has a beginning and an ending and a very muddled middle...
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]

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