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Give Me

Author: Jinxed
ASL Info:    18/f/az
Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 23 /21 /14
Words: 145
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 866
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1055


I want the person reading this to be 100% honest. I was really interested when I read this poem after writing it a while ago. I wrote this after a guy I really liked dissappeared and I never saw him again. This poem was created to remind myself that I'm independent not dependent. Thank you . :)

Give Me

Give me corruption
so sweet.
When underground purpose
is faltered.
Give me solitude
with thought
that undergoes empathy,
its faltered.
Give me
nights at a gas station
with the nightly stoner,
or a guy with
a boner.
I'll be fine.
I'll suck it in
be his friend,
my heart is mine.
Tell the high school dropout
the college boy knockout
they aren't mine
I'll be fine.

I take it
this heart is mine.
or its lying
I'm just trying to tell you
that I'm fine
the mystery men
that stubble in,
into our lives
have their own thoughts
and their own dreams,
but we don't seem to care
we know that we feel.
Just that it seems surreal
that you'd cry.
I know its not our mission
we got misused information
just take this into contemplation
I'm fine.

Submitted on 2006-02-15 23:29:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  This an intriguing (and schizophrenic) write that openes with an attempt to yourself from the pain with an inscrutible, brave face (trying not to care), then morphs into the more direct anthem of independence you describe in the intro. I'd suggest at least one thorough revision to clean up the typos and clarify the opening eight lines ('sweeting' in L2 seems awkward-perhaps 'fleeting' would be more appropriate; 'undergo' in L7 should be replaced with 'undergoes', or 'thought' in the previous line should be 'thoughts'). Those lines by themselves are an excellent foundation for a very fine write. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

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