This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

  Off

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password
Roleplay | Viral news today | Music Theory

Give Me


Author: Jinxed
ASL Info:    18/f/az
Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 23 /21 /14
Words: 145
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 866
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1055



Description:

I want the person reading this to be 100% honest. I was really interested when I read this poem after writing it a while ago. I wrote this after a guy I really liked dissappeared and I never saw him again. This poem was created to remind myself that I'm independent not dependent. Thank you . :)


Give Me


Give me corruption
so sweet.
When underground purpose
is faltered.
Give me solitude
with thought
that undergoes empathy,
its faltered.
Give me
nights at a gas station
with the nightly stoner,
or a guy with
a boner.
I'll be fine.
I'll suck it in
be his friend,
my heart is mine.
Tell the high school dropout
the college boy knockout
they aren't mine
I'll be fine.

I take it
this heart is mine.
or its lying
I'm just trying to tell you
that I'm fine
the mystery men
that stubble in,
into our lives
have their own thoughts
and their own dreams,
but we don't seem to care
we know that we feel.
Just that it seems surreal
that you'd cry.
I know its not our mission
we got misused information
just take this into contemplation
I'm fine.




Submitted on 2006-02-15 23:29:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  This an intriguing (and schizophrenic) write that openes with an attempt to yourself from the pain with an inscrutible, brave face (trying not to care), then morphs into the more direct anthem of independence you describe in the intro. I'd suggest at least one thorough revision to clean up the typos and clarify the opening eight lines ('sweeting' in L2 seems awkward-perhaps 'fleeting' would be more appropriate; 'undergo' in L7 should be replaced with 'undergoes', or 'thought' in the previous line should be 'thoughts'). Those lines by themselves are an excellent foundation for a very fine write. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?		7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



91550

EliteSkills

  Roleplay
  Top News