Blood Breasted Dove(part 3) by Speacenik

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Submission Name: Blood Breasted Dove(part 3) dots

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Author:	Speacenik
ASL Info:	23/f/UK
Elite Ratio:	7.09 - 413/359/96
Words:	194

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	209
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1348

Description:
Special thanks to rws for his advice and for inspiring me to rewrite this section and special thanks to deepdreamer2008 for her advice on punctuation throughout these sections.

Blood Breasted Dove(part 3) dots

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Our esprit de corps soiled,
we hid amid the bramble thickets
which tore our arms
to vivid crimson strips
and on that mountainside,
we learnt our aim:
sharp, angular, fierce.

The Perigrene flew over,
now and then, picking out
the weakest rabbits,
and I mused
how much we were alike,
an insatiable hunger
gripping our primal stomachs
till we were reduced
to talon-tearing rage.

Unexpected as ghosts,
we would burst into bars
in that far North Country,
firing at soon to be corpses
caught chatting at the bar.
Their wounds exploded
like poppies in May.

Our own men too were maimed
as whispers were sung,
like some great opera
predestined to tragedy,
the soil fretted for blood
and the fire burned on -
a paranoid pyre.

O, those moments were all nerve
as though ignited in phantom bullets,
even the proverbial dove
was shot from the olive tree
just another carcass.

The figures were dumped,
untallied,
in phosphor mire.
A note stuck to each one saying simply:
‘This one grassed.’
‘This one took a bribe.’

Submitted on 2006-02-16 08:56:58 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I'd consider :
firing at soon to be corpses
caught chatting at the bar

The line about the buzzards picking off rabbits

buzzards only go for carrion,
how about Perigrenes?

small intensly fierce hawks or just the word raptors?
The stanza beginning;
our own men too were maimed, perhaps restructured:
Too, our own men were maimed
I just like keeping the m's closer.

O, those moments were all nerve
spontaneous synapses firing,
ignited by phantom bullets,
even the proverbial dove
was shot from the olive tree
just another carcass.

Untallied the limp figures
were dumped sliding sprawled
into a lonely phosphor mire.
A note stuck to each one saying simply:
‘This one grassed.’
‘This one took a bribe.’
the breeze rustled paper
made the only sound.

| Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
  This is war. This is the somnambulant agony of stumbling through a retributive landscape, killing and being killed until the reason for bloodshed (all the separate injustices that heaped up this rage) is lost in the hatred itself. This is especially sad because it's so beautifully written (especially the thought of skulls exploding like flowers of death) that the simmering anger below the surface threatens to rise like a boil. This could easily stand alone as entirely representative of the cycle of poems you've begun. BTW, the anti-clamactic closing lines suit the tone perfectly. Very well done. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  Whoa. Multiple murders and imagery/symbolism. That somehow just really works together. Shooting the proverbial dove from the olive tree. That is basically destroying peace and creating war, since the dove is the symbol of peace. The ending shows that the people who were shot were bad and/or corrupt, because some of them took bribes. I like the way you toned down the morbidness of the blood a little with the imagery. The esprit de corps or bodily spirit is soiled, so are the main characters rogues/anti-heroes/rebel fighters? Their goal is to take away the peace by shooting corrupt, evil people who are sitting having a drink in the bar.

This poem is quite interesting. I hope to see more poems with imagery as good as the imagery in this poem. Keep on truckin!
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
  This is so vivid. One can imagine these young men hiding in the mountain with dreams of national self-determination and an independent Ireland yet tainted by warfare so that they become as savage and brutalized as the bird’s of prey that share their domain.

an insatiable hunger
gripping our primal stomachs
till we were reduced
to talon tearing rage.

However, I would change the last line in part II because the transition between ‘thus we surrendered’ is ambiguous and could apply to the RUC. In a sense both those shot at the pubs and those who kill them are victims of the situation and their own history that drives them on.

O, those moments were all nerve
as though ignited in phantom bullets,
even the proverbial dove
was shot from the olive tree
another carcass.

The vision of the dove (peace) shot from the olive tree is superb. Bill is right when he writes that the anti-clamactic closing lines suit the tone perfectly. You have polished this part wonderfully. Well done.
nessie
| Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
  Another superb piece. I'm so looking forward to the completed work, although I don't know how you're going to top these.

Again, your images are amazing:
we hid amid the bramble thickets
which tore our arms
to vivid crimson strips
The drama in this is amazing.

The buzzard flew over,
now and then, picking out
the weakest rabbits,
and I mused
how much we were alike,
I liked this one a lot because this seems to be how my mind works. Right in the middle of this hell, he looks up and ponders a bird for a moment. It's a bit of escapism for him and it's so typical of the way people work.

we would burst into bars
in that far North Country,
and fire at the soon to be
corpses chatting at the bar.
Their wounds exploded
like poppies in May.
I can just SEE this is slow motion, blood exploding onto liquor bottles and a mirror behind the bar.

even the proverbial dove
was shot from the olive tree
another carcass.
This line is just too powerful for words. I LOVE it. Did you consider "JUST another carcass"?

All in all, it continues to be a riveting tale.

Steve
| Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  The intensity of the images increases in this part. At last you have brought to us the well-sought dove. Stanza two, put a hyphen between "talon tearing". I suggest the same for "soon to be" in the verse after. Did I mention your choice of words throughout this series of poems is truly wonderful. It seems you fit the word in like one would fit a piece into a jigsaw puzzle. An easy jigsaw puzzle.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  the poem suddenly explodes here, the first two parts had a gentle meloncholy and sadness about them but this one really burns with anger. all innocence has been lost and it really feels that the movement is starting to lose its way, turning its bullets on its now divided self. there is some fantastic imagery in this part and it's great to see the poem developing and growing, its voice changing just the right amount to fit the events as they unfold.

just one suggestion:
"and fire at the soon-to-be
corpses chatting 'round (instead of at) the bar."
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  I see that you have continued on with your explosive series here. This leaves little to the imagination as to what is in store for the reader. The story is not vague but it is hidden to a point. This I like because it leaves the reader yearning for more. (Yes, that is an oxymoron in a way) HAHA
I know the story here but I have gleaned another image from this write here.
Man in his struggle to be free and be recognized will in the end pay the ultimate price. There is an animalistic reality here in this write. The link you created between the bird of prey and human is all too real. Both strive to survive but both are also being preyed upon.
Guilty by association is what I also see here. Tagged as if branded in the end for their misdeed. How true it was back then and still today it holds true but is more accepted. How would we have faired then compared to today?

Well I have rambled enough and I completely enjoyed this write and can't wait to read the next part to come.
Sorry it has taken so long to read and comment but I have been tied up with this contract and it looks like the little guy will be stepped on again.

Love the write

Respect and Admiration

Clyde
| Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]

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