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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Straindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lavender
    ASL Info:    20/F/USA
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 101/125/59
    Words: 64
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 805
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 376



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStraindots
    -------------------------------------------


    Strain
    Its messing with my brain
    I cant take the pain
    I feel so insane
    What is there, from this, to gain?
    I just want to run out on a lane
    And scream, I am not sane
    Save me from this pain!
    Just grab my mane
    Make me die in vain
    Let me have the red stain
    Just take away this pain
    The strain




    Submitted on 2006-02-16 09:28:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with BreakAndFall, but I think that this was somehow pathetic in so many ways. You really need to find some new adjectives, and maybe not be so redundant at times. You have a great idea-so maybe rewrite, and then it may be able to be considered great. And please don't feel like you are sensing any hostility because I like to be honest about poems, and what I think could make them better. Great try!
    Alyssa
    | Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by alcoholcaust | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the idea, but i think you could communicate it better with less forced rhymes. Dont get me wrong, i think its a good poem. It just seems a little, amateur, that way. If you want to sound more sophisticated, you should let the words do the work, and not search for words just because they rhyme and make the lines fit the rhymes. Again, not meaning to be mean.
    | Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by BreakAndFall | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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