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Anna Banana Color Crayon

Author: playing card
Elite Ratio:    3.65 - 132 /152 /41
Words: 249
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1040
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1613


i want to make this poem as good as possible. it's going to be a hard job.. so any help or adivce you have would be wonderfull

Anna Banana Color Crayon

Anna Banana Color Crayon

To my resume I can add sharpie pens
And colored pencil
Sea monkeys,
That come to life, with just a little water
And crayons that change color with my breath

With this I am more than Qualified
To write a history
I can leaf through notebooks
Of abstract words
Drawing on myself for inspiration and advice

I can count out pennies and dimes
Pulled from the cushions of my couch
To buy cigarette, and off brand candy
Back track a whole day using toy store receipts

I know somewhere I have lost something
A lucky quarter or a baby tooth
Somewhere in-between childhood and writing
I forgot the words you used

Now I relay on notes, short stories
And crayons that change color
To get my baby teeth back
Candy wrappers in place of chocolate kisses

I used to carry hot sauce in my coat pocket
And offer it to those between shyness and conversation
Lost in the illustration of a lifetime
I super glue loose change to the side walk
To find my way back

Somewhere on your body
There is an inkwell
Something slippery and black
Sliding down you skin

A half finished idea
A poem from a million years ago
In you a find stories
Never before seen by man

Condom wrappers flushed and
Loose leaf paper
A half finished portrait
Of ink and swirling rubber

Submitted on 2006-02-16 15:15:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  sounds pretty much
like my story.

A half finished idea
A poem from a million years ago
In you a find stories
Never before seen by man

Condom wrappers flushed and
Loose leaf paper
A half finished portrait
Of ink and swirling rubber

yeah that's pretty much it.
i'll finish somethings some day.

and find some new ideas from some old ones.

how you doing kid?
miss ya.
| Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by reid kat | [ Reply to This ]
  There is a little something missing, maybe?
I can't really put my finger on it specifically, maybe a few lines that just don't flow as well as they should.
But, aside from the random typos, this is really great.

I wish you hadn't deleted your stuff, I wanted to reread some of it. Oh well.

Really love your style. This was just as awesome as everything else I've seen from you.

Keep writing!
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Shuurinakisame | [ Reply to This ]
  Well it don't need much tweaking, I quite liked it as it was.

I guess it's to a lost love, your metaphors are fairly cryptic, so if it's a personal poem, you should be very happy with it.

OK the fix-its:

S1L2 make it "colour pencilS

S3L3 make it "cigaretteS" and I don't know about "off brand candy" it's a bit confusing, maybe another meore frequently-used description of the cheap candy?

That's about all I could find to change, but overall, (from my point of view) I'd drop the msword capitalization of every line, and run a few of your lines together to give them better flow and more oomph, maybe even some punctuation.

Very small tweaks, but you did

Nicely done, liked it a lot

be happy

| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, quite an elaborate display of what some would consider an abstract thought put into words through the haze of something they dont know about. Heck, I dunno what this is about but it jumps back and forth into one form of integrity or another that just at the end makes the reader say..."Yeeeaaaahhhhh...that was cool." With a supple smile of contentment of some sort. Ya know? Anyway, just kinda like what I thought about it. Thanks for sharing!
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]

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