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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Anna Banana Color Crayondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: playing card
    Elite Ratio:    3.65 - 132/152/41
    Words: 249
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 194
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1613



    Description:
       i want to make this poem as good as possible. it's going to be a hard job.. so any help or adivce you have would be wonderfull


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnna Banana Color Crayondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Anna Banana Color Crayon

    To my resume I can add sharpie pens
    And colored pencil
    Sea monkeys,
    That come to life, with just a little water
    And crayons that change color with my breath

    With this I am more than Qualified
    To write a history
    I can leaf through notebooks
    Of abstract words
    Drawing on myself for inspiration and advice

    I can count out pennies and dimes
    Pulled from the cushions of my couch
    To buy cigarette, and off brand candy
    Back track a whole day using toy store receipts

    I know somewhere I have lost something
    A lucky quarter or a baby tooth
    Somewhere in-between childhood and writing
    I forgot the words you used

    Now I relay on notes, short stories
    And crayons that change color
    To get my baby teeth back
    Candy wrappers in place of chocolate kisses

    I used to carry hot sauce in my coat pocket
    And offer it to those between shyness and conversation
    Lost in the illustration of a lifetime
    I super glue loose change to the side walk
    To find my way back

    Somewhere on your body
    There is an inkwell
    Something slippery and black
    Sliding down you skin

    A half finished idea
    A poem from a million years ago
    In you a find stories
    Never before seen by man

    Condom wrappers flushed and
    Loose leaf paper
    A half finished portrait
    Of ink and swirling rubber




    Submitted on 2006-02-16 15:15:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      sounds pretty much
    like my story.

    A half finished idea
    A poem from a million years ago
    In you a find stories
    Never before seen by man

    Condom wrappers flushed and
    Loose leaf paper
    A half finished portrait
    Of ink and swirling rubber

    yeah that's pretty much it.
    i'll finish somethings some day.

    and find some new ideas from some old ones.

    how you doing kid?
    miss ya.
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by reid kat | [ Reply to This ]
      There is a little something missing, maybe?
    I can't really put my finger on it specifically, maybe a few lines that just don't flow as well as they should.
    But, aside from the random typos, this is really great.


    I wish you hadn't deleted your stuff, I wanted to reread some of it. Oh well.

    Really love your style. This was just as awesome as everything else I've seen from you.


    Keep writing!
    | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Shuurinakisame | [ Reply to This ]
      Well it don't need much tweaking, I quite liked it as it was.

    I guess it's to a lost love, your metaphors are fairly cryptic, so if it's a personal poem, you should be very happy with it.

    OK the fix-its:

    S1L2 make it "colour pencilS

    S3L3 make it "cigaretteS" and I don't know about "off brand candy" it's a bit confusing, maybe another meore frequently-used description of the cheap candy?

    That's about all I could find to change, but overall, (from my point of view) I'd drop the msword capitalization of every line, and run a few of your lines together to give them better flow and more oomph, maybe even some punctuation.

    Very small tweaks, but you did ask...lol

    Nicely done, liked it a lot

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, quite an elaborate display of what some would consider an abstract thought put into words through the haze of something they dont know about. Heck, I dunno what this is about but it jumps back and forth into one form of integrity or another that just at the end makes the reader say..."Yeeeaaaahhhhh...that was cool." With a supple smile of contentment of some sort. Ya know? Anyway, just kinda like what I thought about it. Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]



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