Aureate Secret by Krazy

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Submission Name: Aureate Secret dots

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Author:	Krazy
ASL Info:	21/F/Lost in the woods?
Elite Ratio:	6.4 - 344/304/44
Words:	195

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	774
Average Vote:	4.8000
Bytes:	1191

Description:
I wrote this during computers class. I was just thinking about people and how they look in the mirror and only see what is wrong with themselves, when the people close to them see a completely different image

Aureate Secret dots

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Porcelain doll with eyes of gold,
Hair like silk, but heart so cold
You glance in the mirror and find
Only fault, those golden orbs so blind
To what you truly are,
Beauty shining, like that of a star

You pin back your locks, what a waste,
And mask your face with colorful paste
Make yourself just like the others
Now you don’t have to have all of the answers
Inch by careful inch you try to hide
All that you are, all that’s inside

Day and night you pray to be something new
A bird, a tree, a flower, anything, anything… anything but you
You sigh and pass your time wishing
Only notice the things that are missing
Never turning inward to see
That you have everything you need, to be

One day you will find
That that mirror can only bind
You, to the worst of what your mind’s eye sees
It will bring you to your knees
This realization so sudden and strong
Will tell you that you have always been wrong
Those jewels will shine back at you
And finally, finally, you will see something new

Submitted on 2006-02-16 16:32:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I. Love. It.

It's amazing, and touching. I used to be like that, see only what is wrong, and then I had a sort of Epiphany. This impacts me so much. No negatives. Bravo, kepp it up! and this is DEFINTIELY going in my favourites!!!!

Blessed Be and Peace Out!
| Posted on 2007-09-02 00:00:00 | by Hungarian Girl | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, this poem is amazing, one of the best I’ve read for a long time in fact. I love the vivid imagery and how you described the person as a Porcelain doll, it’s very clever because they always look so beautiful but at the same time they are scary because they always stare (Of course because it’s a doll lol) but sometimes they can give the impression that they are judging you.

The poem is inspiring and really helps the reader to connect to their inner beauty, and the way its written is stunning, a perfect picture forms in my mind as I read it. I’ve had to read it over and over because it’s so good, don’t mean to gush .

However, in order to leave a comment I guess I should critique it a bit, even though I see no major flaws with this piece. Hmmm…let’s see. Well, the only thing I can pick up on is that the rhyme seems a bit forced in some parts and some syllables are slightly out side of the rhyme scheme in places, only slightly though.

For example:

“You pin back your locks, what a waste,
And mask your face with colorful paste
Make yourself just like the others
Now you don’t have to have all of the answers
Inch by careful inch you try to hide
All that you are, all that’s inside”

This stanza seems a little out of place, simply because of the fourth line “Now you don’t have to have all the answers”, It doesn’t rhyme with another line and it temporary confuses the reader slightly. But thanks to the superb imagery, the reader is able to pick up where they left off and carry on reading.

One other thing I’m going to pick up on is that you have a typo in the word ‘colorful’ it’s spelt colourful. Sorry I know how annoyingly picky that is and I’m not expert at spelling myself I just wanted to suggest to you to use MS Word before you submit your poems. It really helps a lot.

However, other than that this poem is beautiful and it’s going straight to my favourites.

Thank you for the enjoyable read
Keep writing.
Take care,

*~xXxLinzixXx~*

| Posted on 2007-08-14 00:00:00 | by Linzi | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm.... I am really not sure what i should say. The words that come to my mind are fantastic, beautiful, creative, so true! But if i say any of these I'll be giving you only compliments. (let's imagine like I said none of those. :) )

Keep up the good work. Add me to your fan list.

| Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by marray proetus | [ Reply to This ]
  Yet again your creativity shines through your meaningful words. I can remember the days when I was myself and only myself, nothing else mattered to me about me except that I was me. These days I ve not only become caught up in the stream of popular conformity and desirable looks, but Im an engineer on one of the many trains who are on route to the station of fashion.
So many times this past year Id look in the mirror and be disgusted that I wasnt who he wanted me to be. That he changed only a few times but the thoughts remained the same. With Ryan I had to be perfect, ever crucial of any change and anything that could be construned as bad. I became so plastic, so superficial and it killed my self-esteem. Even now, though confident in myself as I am, I wonder what other people really see. Do they really think well of me like they say or is it a lie? I guess Im too hard on myself, even though Im told Im above okay, I just cant seem to believe it. My eyes see whats there but my mind wont take it in as positive.
If we dont like what we see, we're to trust the eyes of others, but we've also heard not to listen to what others say (if its bad) instead only care about what you see. Im not sure what anyone sees.
| Posted on 2007-02-25 00:00:00 | by Jin Pendragon | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, i really like this poem. you did an exellent job. i wish i could do stuff like that. your poem has truth in it, dont be like everyone else, and to imbrace yourself for the person that you are, and not for who people want you to be. noones perfect, so why should we try to perfect ourselves to be? i love this, its wonderful. thanks for the read

*Kimmy
| Posted on 2007-01-28 00:00:00 | by Kimmy | [ Reply to This ]
  you know what.. your are just plain awsome. yes thats what you are.. I LOVED THIS!! ha... it was just a nice piece of art.. well for me it was a nice piece of art.. i loved it^_^
| Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by Kay | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow sista...(stares)
this is pretty good stuff..

"And finally, finally, you will see something new"
Tho, I ddin't really njoyed ur ending...
Think tt's wat most 'writers' have a prob wif..
But, I lyke it. Its freakin great, I mean it.
| Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by D-Ink | [ Reply to This ]
  Bon, this is excelent work! Awesome, keep it up and I hope you feel better soon.

Jessica
| Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by jslbabygirl101 | [ Reply to This ]
  ugh... somehow reminded me of samantha. just trying to hide her self from.... well, from herself. idk, the rest of the world too, i suppose. anyways, as usual your poetic abilities run circles around mine. it seems like you get a lot of feedback, too, heh. feels good to be a number. :

*hugs*
| Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by Aphotic Sunrise | [ Reply to This ]
  This poetry here was completely genius...I loved it...It brought me chills down my back it was so good...I'd tell you what it reminds me of but after I read it, it just cauased me to be so speechless so Im going to mark this on my computer and come back to it so I can give you a better comment then this one...
| Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
  The emotion and just overal vibe of this poem is really strong. This is a very ambitious topic and you pulled it off very well. What I really like is there's a lot of truth behind this, and you wrote it in a very (sorry for lack of better word) pretty way without smoke, mirrors or pretentousness that usually cripples poems like this. Great write, and I look forward to reading your other writings

ps the picture you used for this and your icon are awesome
| Posted on 2006-04-04 00:00:00 | by RumnMoxie | [ Reply to This ]
  I am in awe, you drew me in almost instantly, I love the fact that even though you show how inwardly distraught this person may be, there is hope for thier state, it left me with a sense of hopefulness about a bleak existance, thank you!
| Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by SlanderousLust | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Bon
I really enjoyed the up feeling that you gave in the final lines of the last stanza, that's what jumped out at me.
This made me think of the school years, with the line "make yourself just like the others" as most of us do, it's all a part of finding out who we really are and it's never more apparant as it is when we're teenagers.
Your observations seem to be true enough and I think if you look closely only a few people, relatively speaking manage to shed completely the human propensity toward the negative, it only changes as we grow but is usualy lingering in one form or another in the shadows.

My "pearls of wisdom" aside If I were to point out any flaws, they are few and only small, I personally don't like the word orbs but that's my problem rather than yours, I think it's a little overused especialy in respect to eyes.
I think you overdid the anythings in staza three I reckon just "...anything but you" would suffice there.
and finally line 4 of stanza 3
"Only noticing the things that are missing" sounds better.

All in all I enjoyed the read, thanks

TTFN
Phil
| Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
  There's a philosophy to this write which is confident, positive, and self-assuring. I could do without the rhyme, but then that's just me. kudos to you for having the presence and sense of self to write something so encouraging...sure it will be an inspiration to others.

nicely done,
be well,
see you around,
kc
| Posted on 2006-03-18 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
  Very good use of rhyming shown, and pure words used. And the whole thing is just sooo true. Cleverly chosen title, too. Overall, a very good write, and to think it was written in class!
| Posted on 2006-07-18 00:00:00 | by Saaber | [ Reply to This ]
  I like how you included that picture, it really follows the story and sounds like this person. Sure, you can add detail, but a picture is a thousand words.

I think the rhyming in this poem is setting the mood for the poem which is a good thing. You put great feeling in this poem and this is a piece that someone can relate too. My favorite lines:

"Day and night you pray to be something new
A bird, a tree, a flower, anything, anything… anything but you"

Sure it doesn't have to rhyme but I thought that change is hard. I like how you use the "..." and then "anything but you". It shows the pace and how steady the writer wants the reader to go.

The first stanza is a great opening as you discribe this beautiful being that has no feeling. It kind of disturbs me that something beautiful can be cruel, but yet it is true.

Even though there is someone behind the mask, she hides it from others. I think that the woman you discribe here are like most girls, they try to be the same and hide under pounds of makeup and styles. This is the type of woman that you warn us about. Be someone new, not a mere copy.

Now in your third stanza, you reveal that all this person need is within herself. It is true for all of us. People aren't happy about who they are on the outside even though they could be someone strong or beautiful. There's always something missing from the outside that the inside can repair, but the only problem is that people don't reveal what's from the heart.

The mind is always stronger than the body as I would like to put the last stanza as. Esteem and self-confidence can you many places than copy and paste looks.

Many people have posted their thoughts and critiques, but I think I have added on to them. I personally liked this poem, it was true and it was original because I have never seen something that tells us that beauty is within. All I can say to improve this is to continue to write on.
| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by Finnigan | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Bon,

Nice picture...now the poem...even better.
I find it hard to make a secondary observation on these piece maybe cause its in third person then again maybe its because you wording pinned it exactly in the way I feel on the subject. The issue at hand of course being self-deception. In my opinion Bon, this is the next best thing to perfect in describing it. I could just see all the already pretty girls covering in makeup, lowing themselves to the sirens that have to were it to cover their spirtual, and mental lack.
Here are the two lines I feel totally bind your piece. "You glance in the mirror and find"
"That that mirror can only bind"

Ignorance may be bless, but resolution is the best cleanser.

I loved it Bon, thanks for posting.

Your Friend,
Argos
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Aruemos | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a really nice poem. it is full of truth. most people these days worry too much about what other people think about them...they need to take a page out of your book. keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by kession | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, your so talented you make me want to delete everything i done placed on this site because they can never meet the standards of this
great job
| Posted on 2006-07-03 00:00:00 | by shanwinky | [ Reply to This ]
  I totally feel what you're going with this. The fact that porcelain dolls freak the hell out of me not withstanding, people are like that. I think most of us are like that, at least sometimes. Everybody feels the need to be 'normal' to some degree. We all want to be accepted, and we feel that to be accepted, we must conform.

This is a very good piece of writing, and I can't think of anything bad to say about it. I'd have put a pair of elipsis after the 'finally's, because I love the elipsis, and I think it makes it the word stick out a little better in the mind.

Anyhow, fabulous job dahling. I look forward to your next post.
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by Zabriel | [ Reply to This ]
  An anti-glamour lyric about the shining truth of the inner spirit (aura) overcome by the emptiness/superficiality of appearance (I suppose a holisitic healer would suggest harmony/balance between the two; perhaps that's the 'secret' to happiness you allude to). This is actually a very fine write exploring the zombifying effect of media/mass advertising on self image. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  This is, without a doubt, a very beautiful piece. I REALLY like this poem. So many people today hate the way they look, and they become cold, withdrawn and temperamental. Like the bible says to husbands (although it can apply to wives as well (or unmarried people)), "husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it..."(Ephesians 5:28,29)

So many people need to truly love themselves before they can properly love others. When I read this poem, I was touched, not only because the words in it are so true, but also because I hate myself so much. Not just appearance but even deep down inside. I need to stop hating myself. Thank you so much for writing this poem. Keep up the good work, and thanks for the motivation!
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this. It's very different from the mass media.
To look in the mirror & see something, to see beauty staring back at you, it's a nice thought.
Yet, why can't we? Why can't I look into my eyes & see what everyone else sees?
Just something to think about,
perhaps we can, we just don't want to.

The writing was well done. The form & rhyming was nice. It flowed well.
Your feeling was well fit into the lines, they were easy to follow yet I could see that you had put a lot into them.
Nice job,
thank you for this.
take care
~jennifer
| Posted on 2006-02-16 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  hm, very very intersting.
i'm impressed! i think it's an excellent write.
i like how sometimes you allow each line to be it's own thought and other times you use enjambment, but to really do that effectively you need to tweak your punctuation. put in periods where they belong...
but the imagery and metaphor are excellent. i have a piece called "for Stolie77" that i'd be interested for you to take a look at. i would consider it maybe a companion piece to this one that you've written. she's a friend of mine on here and one day she was in a sad mood so i wrote it for you. if you have time or the urge, check it out and lemme know what you think. and if you don't mind, i'm gonna reference this piece of yours in the description of mine for others to come check this out. lemme know if that's ok :)
| Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
  this is an absolutely beautiful piece! i'm having a hard time thinking what to say in this commented because it impacted me so dramatically that i'm kinda still sitting here, stunned.
how true is this? absolutely. (yes i did just answer my own question!) i admit that i do the exact same thing and sometimes I want to kill myself for it... but sometimes it can't be helped and we need someone else to pull us out of the rut.
isn't there some proverb from some far off country that says, "our loved ones appear as we wish them to be?" life would be so much easier if we really could see the world through other people's eyes. then we wouldn't have to be so self-conscious or so paranoid about everything we really shouldn't have to be... if that made any sense to you at all.
kudos on your awesome write sista bon! keep them coming!

-jess
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello Bonnie,

~opening~

This write has great images and feelings in it. We often have these inner struggles in our lives and many times it seems like we have to go through some tough times to find out who we are and to build character. I think the piece is a representation of that struggle and a message of hope for those who are going through time of self soul searching.

~a look at the stanzas~

st1: the porcelain to me signifies something that is innocent/pure. Another thing I can extrapolate from porcelain is that it may be an object to illustrate fragility/frailty, I do think my first inclination was closer. The gold may stand for knowledge and/or light. Gold shares a harmonious relation to the sun and Apollo; he was attired in various articles of gold. On the second line hair like silk then the “but” for the heart so cold. It does not seem to achieve a profound sense of a comparison though it is nice. The mirror and the fault described in lines 3-4 is great and goes well the golden orbs and the description of blindness in line 5. the last line of this stanza does have a deep meaning attached to it to which I do smile at. As a whole the entire stanza has beauty and wonderful meanings in it.

st2: Pinning back locks I think of hair but also I do think of locks that keep people out of something, I do enjoy doubled references whether intentional or not. The “masking” I like as opposed to just “cover” the masking more outright to me means there is something to hide with “cover” one would have to infer more. Even in its literal sense the application of make-up still serves itself well with that meaning also attached to it. I like the conformity in line 3 though the sense is that it is something that the character does seem to like doing. The “having all the answers” that inside the context is a little bit of a mystery of why there? I wonder if it is the answers to why must one try to fit in so hard. Or perhaps it is something that addresses the previous stanza the part about being blinded in line 4. These things that make the reader ask questions are what makes writing good at least for me. Something I read to where I have no thought on or a feeling, then feel that it needs work, here I would say no such thing. Often we hide ourselves from others because it is our protection against being ridiculed/insulted. We don’t like to expose our feelings to people we do not trust and so it becomes a method of self-preservation.

st3: I like the first two lines here even down to the chant on the second line. the melancholy is well illustrated. Some people want to be anyone and almost anything but themselves it is hard to understand for those comfortable in their own skin. on the 3-4 it leaves that feeling of wanting to do more at least for me, this same effect I get from listening to the lyrics of Pink Floyd’s song “Time” I think those two lines 3 and 4 are awesomely done as far as stirring those feelings. The feeling would have been uplifted in line 5 somewhat if it weren’t for the “never” that word brings it back to the same state. Though, I must say, that it does seem to say the answers are closer than we think by the 6th line.

st4: the first two lines are great I really like the binding of the mirror in line two that who some implications there. one small correction in line two you have two of the same word “that” I would strike one of them ~or~ put that on the previous line after “find” ~or~ put a comma between the two like words. The truth in line 3 also is splendid. I like how the discovery of self would bring one to their knees it does seem to have resonance with the masking in a sense of when the mask fails and everything appears as it is then the feeling is shocking. Now in the next few lines build up to something great for even in the midst of the realization of all those things that plague that person there are “jewels” seem like redemption which could bring a life change, new state of mind, closure, etc.

~a stanza to stanza comparison~

a far as depth the first stanza had very deep meaning attached to it. For feeling I would say the third stanza is the most powerful yet the hope for the positive side of me treasures the fourth. I feel that the second stanza does have its place as well, with the ambiguity in it. all stanzas to complement each other quite well the only thing that was a little bit odd was the second line of the first stanza.

~closing~

I see this as an excellent piece for self discovery, it means quite a bit to someone who wants the courage to do the same. Often times we do not want to confront the person we are, many would rather take on the entire world before gazing into themselves. Super one Bon, love it!

~mike
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  Very,very good! I like what you do with words. This peace was one the best I have read on this site. Keep up the great work.
Kelley
| Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
  It rhymed!!! Was there anyone particular you were staring at in class? Ok now to actually leaving some feedback on the poem. I liked the message in it, but you probably knew I would. I have one suggestion, (yes I have a real suggestion), the lines, "that that mirror can only bind, you, to the worst of what your mind's eye sees" I would suggest just taking out the you which would make it read.
That that mirror can only bind
To the worst ofr what your mind's eye sees
I'm not sure if you like the way it sounds. But that's it, that's my profound suggestion.

Good Job...buddy!!!!
| Posted on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 | by Joqer | [ Reply to This ]
  Great write, and thanks for your complements on my last write. The imagery in this was nice, I have no immagination so I can't visualize something, but I had a pretty clear picture going on. So where in the middel of the woods do you live? lol.
If you live in the woods I have to call you lucky, for my heart feels lost in the city.
Great write, and I hope you keep up the good work. You should check out a couple of my other writes if you liked the last one. Thankfully most of mine are not love poems.
| Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by dustinamoody | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really good
I mean really really good
I loved how you associated human life to the life of a ceramic doll that was brilliant
I am adding this one to my favorites
The emotion in this is incredible
i LOVED It!!!
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Well like many others have said the words in this poem are beautiful. I thought it was a quality poem, and you have heard alot of praise frome above and it is well deserved.

I am a form and focus type person, and I love to read poetry. I thought in some places the rhythem was disrupted and made me pause in spots that were not natural. I do understand that picking the right words that flow together is a very diffuclt task, and for the most of the poem you did that exactly, but when you plot along rythemically you find some weakened areas, and even though I believe it is a very solid and beautiful piece like many of the others.

I hope that you can see what I am talking about, and improve a great piece of poetry even a little more..

As it is the poem is very good, and could be fine left alone, but I just wanted to let you know what I thought of it as a whole, and as a person that likes to be honest in his critiques.

Siegen0
| Posted on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 | by Siegen0 | [ Reply to This ]
  a beautiful write about honouring the beauty inside of yourself... it's so easy to look in the mirror and find all the faults you think you have. the world doesn't make it any easier, especially for women. we are encouraged to make-up our faces and be slim and gorgeous.. it's what's inside that matters most.

excellent job.

peace,
~Cat
| Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  That was a very very awesome poem. In the beginning it gave me shivers, only because I dont like Porcelain dolls. But then I read on and found out you weren't talking about them. Your poem just sends a great message that you shouldn't be like everyone else, and try not to fit in. At least I think thats what it was sending.
One day you will find
That that mirror can only bind
You, to the worst of what your mind’s eye sees
It will bring you to your knees
This realization so sudden and strong
Will tell you that you have always been wrong
Those jewels will shine back at you
And finally, finally, you will see something new

That was the best part. I thought. A mirror does not show everything. Your poem is going on my favorites!

Have a few happy faces. You deserve them. (I'm addicted to happy faces) Lol
Great poem. I really cant get over it!
inkpen
| Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by inkpen | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
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8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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