I don't like it but whatever floats your boat. The beginning begins off to weird and your "No More"etc. kills whatever flow you try to had going on thier. The great things are you use in imagery and your metaphors. I think u can do better though because you did have something going you just need to learn to shape it.
I get it but dont get it... it sounds more like a story.. it creates a vivid image, but its really good. Maybe look over it time to time and see if you see what were saying... maybe you can read mine called "Heart"