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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Winter Pre-dawnsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 661
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 964



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWinter Pre-dawnsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She raced through the night,
    beat the sun to the morning
    and now waits for it to catch up.
    She rustles about
    sorting random thoughts
    like a drawer of unmatched socks.
    Some are dark and tattered
    and no two make a pair.
    Something about that
    reminds her of romance.

    Each passing car
    is a note in a chord
    of cacophony.
    Brakes whine because
    they are thin
    and have pressed beyond
    their recommended life span.
    That's her love… used,
    stopped too often
    and needlessly hard.

    The shell around her heart
    is thin and the insides
    have been refrigerated
    a bit too long.
    She cracks the morning
    like a hard-boiled egg
    left over from Easter Sunday.
    It is there.
    She might as well use it.

    Winter pre-dawns
    are often cold.




    Submitted on 2006-02-17 07:49:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hmmm....normally I really don't appreciate the kind of images that you bring into use in this poem, but I think that your style and your way of relating them back to the protagonist is beautiful! You are an exceptionally gifted writer!

    I really can't come up with much to say to make this better. This is a great write, one of those amazing poems that you can dive deeper and deeper into, and still find new meanings.

    IHS
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by littleshuford | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a marvelous write that takes one thru a journey in Life
    I really liked the way you worded this
    I especially liked the hard boiled egg line and its referrence to Easter
    Very Well written Chrystine
    And I am leaving for Socal in 2 hours
    However I will be moving back to Jersey within 2 or 3 months
    I have found my mind and Spirit are much more comfortable in New Jersey
    And Also
    Please let me know of your next reading
    I swear to you I would really like to hear you read
    Your poems are strong and I can only imagine how they would sink in in person
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, you have certainly created a senario of lonliness and isolastion here. she runs from what she needs and wonders why she is cold and alone, tired from not loving herself, not taking care of herself emotionally. You have to go through the cold of the morning to feel the warmth of the sun in a day. Very intense and powerful writing. I loved this. Everything was perfect. This is a definate fav for me.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Some extremely strong elements in this write, and I was immediately sucked in by your opening:

    'She raced through the night,
    beat the sun to the morning
    and now waits for it to catch up.'

    Love the second hand thought of waiting, it was a groovy touch.

    Your couplet at the end I'm still up in the air about. It seems like you've already said this earlier, but it boils the thought down for the punch. Hmmm...

    Thanks for sharing!

    Todd
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      Oooo...yeah, that pre-dawn part of the day is a bit chilly...brrrrrrrrrr!

    This was very entertaining Chrystine. The socks, the brakes the eggs. I liked how you tied them in and made them relatable to the thoughts. Oh, the brakes...they can often have plenty of pad left in em, but can sometimes squeal if they are dirty or dusty. Hee-hee!

    Nice one maynard!
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this part:

    The shell around her heart
    is thin and the insides
    have been refrigerated
    a bit too long.

    And the fact that you put in everyday things, like socks and eggs. Made it nice to read.
    You described it very well, so that I was able to imagine her lonelines.

    DZ
    | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Chrystine , I hope your day dawns bright and warm today.
    I found much to love here in your poem. I liked especially the way you threaded the disconnected random thoughts on a strong sinew of longing and melancholy, —because when we are discontented in life, there is that malaise that tints everything, every moment, and thoughts eventually wind up the same color-just as in your poem.I guess what I am saying is that I can well relate to this state of mind, and admire that you seize each of these disparate thoughts and form them into a cohesive poignant picture.

    I liked the comparison of sorting socks to matching up a love interest or relationship. Sometimes it seems surreal that with so many socks, one cannot find a single pair doesn't it?You say simply .
    "Something about that
    reminds her of romance."-in other words 'Love is like that-", and I found in that wry observation both humor and bittersweet truth.

    Similarly, the comparison of vehicle brakes to your experiences in love- shows that same humor, but is little heavier, stronger, because it becomes apparent that your feelings ( the sinew that binds all together) are deep and serious, unlike the simple images you are projecting.
    I have a few tweaks for that stanza to suggest, as to me it didn't have qite the finesse of the strophes that came before and after. Consider something like,

    ""Brakes whine because
    they are too thin
    having been pressed beyond
    their recommended life span.
    That's her love… overused,
    in too-frequent stops
    and appliedneedlessly hard."

    I loved the final stanza and the egg imagery. Eggs are a part of morning routines, and liek dawn itself symbolize a new start, or rebirth. The shell suggests confinement or set in one's ways and the "breaking" out simile shows hope and possibilities, yet you contain . limit that optimism with a cynical smile.
    ""It is there.
    She might as well use it
    "

    Those words struck me as so sad, for the woman doesn't view this cold pre-dawn with any hope that things might be different. She seems trapped within that shell, and these words seem to me to underline the stark loneliness of a life without love. She has met another dawn, another day, so might as well get through it- how bleak an existence! Then will follow another night, and another dawn,

    "Winter pre-dawns
    are often cold.
    "

    These last 2 lines sum up the whole mood and have the effect of a door slamming. Simple, but powerful because you have carefully built up that depressed mood of ennui and isolation. In winter those pre-dawn hours are darker and it seems all theworld is black and grey and white ( if you have any snow). I have been rising well before dawn for months now, and writing down thoughts in those hours,-marking the tiny advances of the dawn, and the subsequent effects on the landscape,-both without and within my heart. Reading this was like coming home.
    Perhaps I'll light a fire.
    Thanks for this one
    Sally
    | Posted on 2006-02-18 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]


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