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    dots Submission Name: The Second Adamdots

    Author: Lelik
    ASL Info:    40/M/Jhb - South Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.31 - 1194/986/192
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1651
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 647

       Didn't really start out with this in mind. Let the enlightened tell me what this says.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Second Adamdots

    Flint – chipped off the primordial block
    First there was Adam and a dame
    Mud – smeared on sightless eyes
    Moreover there was sight, and seeing - shame.

    Heat – gleaned from sun and smoky fire
    Hence inner heat smothers the mind
    Light – blinding us from ever seeing
    Let the enlightened lead the blind.

    Breath – let in slowly, reluctantly
    Becoming another moment of miserable life
    Word – living and spoken walked here
    Willing us to overcome our inner strife.

    Fornication – a reason for not being
    Finally there is me, unsightly… unseeing.

    Submitted on 2006-02-17 08:39:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The blind leads the blind and in a shamefull way they are to blame. For who is more foolish the fool or the fool that follows. Sounds like you know a thing or two I'd give a little more credit where credit is due. There is a few key word elements I noticed first off Eve did not even get a name but was riddled with Dame. Hmm After that I could see shame soon to follow. Then comes fornication that swallows up all you had said. Then leaves you hollow. None the less I cannot say any of this is true. You did write Elequent done with a nice metaphore or two. I just hope none of this pertains to you. For truly the things in the pass will come up for review.

    Sincerly Gannondalf aka Big Bear
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
      this was far better than most of the [censored] thats posted on this site i really like how you put it all together Mud- smeared on sightless eyes Moreover there was sight, and seeing- shame
    Fornication- a reason for not being. Finally there is me, unsightly...unseeing
    now thats great stuff ill surely add this to my favs and probably read the rest of your work
    great job honestly

    cartoon autopsy
    | Posted on 2006-02-26 00:00:00 | by cartoon autopsy | [ Reply to This ]
      I particularly like the interplay between the first quatrain and the final couplet here. I'm not sure what I think about the word 'dame' though. The word strikes me as being incredibly Anachronistic within the poem, but it might just be because I'm younger than you are. I don't know if it's a problem or not.
    I like the word association of 1st and 3rd lines in each stanza. It's a tightly crafted, considered work. Nice job.
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      In this write I see a man who will not allow others to change his mind
    I believe you are against others try to change your thinking
    This is actually positive as who is a better judge of ones character then oneself
    I just hope you remain open to advice that can help you move forward
    God Bless

    please if you get a chance please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You

    Very well written
    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

    You know what else is possible... that Eve wasn't the first wife of Adam. That there was really a woman named Lilith created by God out of clay... who wouldn't let Adam be on top while they were having sex... who fled from the garden of Eden before the first man took the first bite out of the apple (making him mortal)... who knew the name of God and with it, ran away to the desert.

    But that's just a possibility...

    It has never been proven.

    But what is real is that, you are a human being. And human beings deserve more than just having life... they deserve to experience to full thrust of it. They deserve to be happy.

    But maybe this isn't real aswell... maybe... we are just slaves to are senses...

    But even so... put your hand in your chest... and tell me how that feels.
    | Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Son of a Bitch! I just left this long ass comment and something malfunctioned and it didn't go through. so, here's the gist of it -

    seems to me that the subject is cheating on a spouse and is ashamed and looking for some kind of redemption or justification, but not in the sense that the typical cheater does. he doesn't go with the "you mistreated me" or "it just happened" any of the old "we grew apart" or "but I love her" [censored] but rather simply admits to the fact that he [censored]s to escape himself. and this leads to other issues, much deeper ones, as if he was already ashamed before the affair and was looking for a way to confirm it.

    but I'm not enlightened and don't know what I'm talking about except to say what I see and to mention that the rhyming is tight and the structure is disciplined and it shows your talent well.

    and it's 55 degrees here and I smell Spring

    Cheers! I hope you're well.
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]

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